A Recipe for Disaster

Just when you thought you were rid of me forever........after months of silence.......an affair with Facebook that I still can't seem to shake.......and the general business of life.........I'M BAAAAACK!

Of course, I am back to share another story of woe in the kingdom of Mayhem....because I know all the readers that have probably LONG since given up on me LOVE to hear me whine!

We recently returned from a family vacation to the beach. While this sounds exciting enough, what with the sand, sun, and fun, it was actually a RECIPE FOR DISASTER!

Ingredients:
1 set of grandparents
1 family Mayhem
1 sister/brother-in-law equipped with newborn baby
1 mediocre condo
OH.....and the MOST important ingredient of ALL..........one raging case of the stomach flu

Directions:
1. Set all unknowing parties on a doomed pilgrimage to beach. Marinate sister and brother-in-law in stomach flu earlier in the week, but allow them to feel better the day of trip.....just so they can think they have recovered.

2. Throw in a dash of newborn baby......one that never got sick.....but obviously became a carrier of the dreaded bug.

3. Have all 9 participants arrive at beach condo, only to find it less than stellar....with older furniture and SMALL accommodations.

4. Just for good measure, throw in a refrigerator and freezer that quits working.....so the majority of the food they purchase can have a chance to spoil.

5. On the one afternoon that EVERYONE actually feels well, pour in one teaspoon of curious five year old. You know.......the type that sees fit to dial 911 on the phone in the bedroom that you didn't even know was there.

6. Be sure to leave out answering the condo phone as you know no-one would be calling you on it and it is probably just a telemarketer. (It couldn't possibly be the police checking on numerous 911 call/hang ups!)

7. Add a heaping cup of police officer when they show up at the door of said condo to see if there is a problem.

8. Drizzle in an enormous helping of embarrassment as you profusely apologize for keeping him from helping people in REAL trouble! (OPTIONAL: Grate in a small portion of your "Mother of the Year" trophy.....because you sent 5 year old into bedroom, closed door, and told him to entertain himself with toys and TV so you could relax and drink a cocktail.)

9. Next, fold in multiple cases of the stomach flu. Add these in slowly.....so it can last throughout the duration of the trip.

10. If mixture becomes too thick, you can remove 1 set of grandparents who left a day early....so my father could escape the SICK.

11. Finally, sprinkle an inability to see fireworks on the fourth and two upset children about that fact and season to taste.

There you have it..........a recipe for disaster.......AND the worst trip I have ever taken in my life!!!

At least we are all feeling better.....now that we're HOME!

Simply CRAPTASTIC!

Let me go through the past 24 hours....here in the Mayhem.

1. Last night I started to realize that my left elbow was a little tender. I have a small scratch on it, so I was slightly concerned.....but figured I must have hit it on something and not remembered. (CRAZIER things have happened). By this morning I knew something was really wrong. It was red, swollen, hot to the touch, and getting bigger by the hour. OF COURSE...I couldn't get an appointment at my doctor's office for today, so I went to the Urgent Care Clinic. By then, my elbow was freakishly huge and killing me. Wouldn't you JUST know that I have a staph infection in the joint of my elbow? I got a huge shot, two different meds, and get to go back to the doctor tomorrow. There is actually a pen mark around my elbow...so they can measure tomorrow to see if it has grown. As it stands....she made noises about sending me to the ER! Beginning of summer vacation: FAIL!

2. My kids are with my mom tonight and tomorrow so we can move my MIL into her new house. It is supposed to rain until next Tuesday. We looked like drowned rats after trying to move some stuff tonight. Correction: I looked like a drowned rat with a freakishly large elbow. NICE. Good deed for a family member: FAIL!

3. My mom agreed to take my daughter to a birthday party tonight. It was just down the street from her neighborhood. This was the first party in public I have let her attend without me. My mom was supposed to pick her up at 9:30. She called me at 9:42 to tell me she couldn't find her. SHE COULD NOT FIND MY CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I immediately start frantically calling other parents (you know.....the good ones.....the ones who WENT with their children) in a desperate search. I was hysterical.......my husband was jumping in his truck to head to the place......and I called back to hear my mom had found her. My hands were shaking so violently that I had to give the phone to MM. I then proceeded to shake and cry for the next 20 minutes. If this is a prelude to giving her more freedom.....you can FORGET it!
Parenting: FAIL!


Simply craptastic.

Taking a Bite Out of the Big Apple

So....it's been a month already? I can't believe I've been gone so long! Actually....if you had any idea of what this past month has been like (oh....and anyone who chases kids around to different activities DOES) you would definitely believe it!

Our trip was amazing! New York City is a fantastically interesting city. Our hotel was beautiful. The food was delicious! The architecture was unbelievable! It was easily one of the best trips I have ever taken!

Four more days of school. 4 MORE DAYS UNTIL FREEDOM! (1 more week of soft and teeball!)

Then....I'll be back with pics and detailed descriptions. See you in a week!

NYC or Bust!

Mr. Mayhem and I are headed for New York City on Friday. I cannot begin to put into words how excited we are about the trip!

We will be staying at the Waldorf Astoria.

We will have 6 nights without kiddos. I have NEVER been away from my kids for that long!

I am REALLY excited about it!

We need recommendations for restaurants and sites to see!

Did I mention I was excited?

For the Love of Foliage

The stories about Junior Mayhem abound here. There is never a shortage of crazy things that either escape his mouth, or are performed by him on a daily basis.

So....yesterday should have come as NO surprise to me.

It started out simple enough. I accompanied my VERY PREGNANT sister to the doctor. (We'll be meeting my new nephew next Tuesday.....BTW)

My mother watched the kids while we went to the appointment. Afterwards, we all agreed to go to lunch together.

On the way out of my mother's house, JM found a leaf that struck his fancy. Somehow he managed to get it into the car without any of our knowledge.

It wasn't until we were entering the restaurant that I noticed it in his grubby little hand. I don't need to tell you that convincing (read: THREATENING) him to drop the leaf outside was no small feat.

"Someone is going to take my leaf......they won't know it is mine.....and they will take it home with them!"....he implored.....to no avail.

It was then that I flippantly replied, "Don't worry about that leaf....it's filthy!"

Right then and there.....JM's love affair with "Filthy Leaf" began.

When we were exiting the restaurant, he announced, "I have to find my filthy leaf......I hope nobody took it!"

Surprisingly enough, the instances of filthy leaf theft have been on a decline in this part of town.....so there it laid....in all it's filthy glory....just waiting to be snatched up by one overzealous five year old.

Filthy leaf accompanied us to the movies, where it was given the seat of honor near JM. It accompanied us to the restroom at said movies.......you remember our earlier run in with possible FL thieves. It accompanied us to our home, seated right next to JM....where he could keep a close eye on it....at all times.

The one time I accidentally crunched a small part of FL........was met with less than approval.

It wasn't until JM went to bed that I was forced to send FL to meet its maker.

If only.....poor, pitiful JM had ANY toys to play with.....he wouldn't be forced to play with filthy foliage!

Easter Top Three

We like to consider ourselves a christian family....here at the chaos that IS the Castle of Mayhem.

We attend church regularly. We all own bibles. (Try to contain your enthusiasm.) We go to Sunday School. We try to remember to pray before we eat our meals.

We are obviously not applying for any sainthood positions, but I thought Mr. Mayhem and I were doing a decent job of raising our kids with a strong faith.

That is....until we had three experiences that led me to believe we are FAR from where we need to be.

SO.....I give you:

The Top Three Reasons I know The Family Mayhem may have some Christianity Issues

1. When we were speaking to The Princess about Easter, she exclaimed, "Easter is on a Sunday? I thought the day changed every year!" Yeah...the DATE changes....but somehow.....Albert Einstein missed the fact that it ALWAYS occurs on a Sunday!

2. While dying Easter eggs last night, Junior Mayhem was going to town writing on his egg with the magic crayon.....you know, the one that does not show up until after the dye is on. We waited with baited breath to see the creative masterpiece that would soon be shared with all of us.......only to see he had written, "Fat Princess" on his egg. It was an obvious show of LOVE for his older sister. (Who is MOST CERTAINLY NOT fat.....I might add!)

3. Finally, Junior Mayhem put the last nail in our coffin when he shared this lovely gem of knowledge. We were discussing why we celebrate Easter. I had already had this discussion with him earlier and was giving him an oral pop quiz of sorts.....My question went like this:

"Jesus died for our sins on the _______________?" To which he replied, "earth?"

I'm pretty sure we'll be getting our own praise show soon.

Happy Easter.

Let us not forget that He died on the EARTH for our sins! :)

We Now Return to Our Regularly Scheduled Whine Fest!

Sorry I haven't been around as much....of late. My life consists of work, running errands, ball practice, theater practice.........and other nonsense!

Just because I had a craptastic day....I thought I'd share some things that are royally pissing me off...right now....because....that's what I do.

I give you..........the return of.........WHY the *#$@#&&^@%! (insert your favorite profanity here):

WHY THE *&&^%$##%@*(@

1. Can my son not seem to stay off the color red at school? Seriously.......he spit on one of the other students the other day. You know....nothing says good upbringing quite like a large loogy shared with a dear friend!

2. Do we have high stakes testing? My students just finished a test that will determine whether they advance to the next grade and the Einsteins that they are......some felt compelled to answer, "I don't know"....or "TOTAL GUESS" on some constructed response questions. WTF.....people BS their way through LIFE....but nobody admits they are full of nonsense!!!!!!!!!!

3. Can my husband not seem to listen to me when I talk? I have a lot....and I do mean....A LOT of important things to say.....when he unmutes the TV while I am in the middle of speaking...it makes me feel a little stabby!

4. Is Blogher ads sending me messages about not posting? I mean.....really.......it's not like I'm Dooce......I'm not raking in $40K each month in advertising.......let's be real.........I'm not sure I have gotten anything for allowing them to advertise on my blog. So, let me get this straight....you're concerned that you might not get a return on your investment of NOTHING....so you need to temporarily stop the ads on my site? OOOH.......I am concerned I won't be able to make the mortgage this month without the added bonus of the NOTHING I get for you running your ads! I don't need another person reminding of something else I haven't done!!!!! (Seriously......$40K a MONTH? WTH am I doing in the classroom?!?)

5. If my daughter is top of her class........at the top of every standardized test in the state......... WHY, OH WHY....can she not remember the smallest of things I ask her to do? Seriously....is brushing your teeth, washing your face, and SHOWERING without being asked TOO MUCH?! I think not!

See.....it's all puppy dogs and rainbows around here.........missed me?