I Just Can't Help Myself

I have been tagged for yet another meme. I suppose I should be all indignant and act as though I simply do not have the time to worry with such things. But the truth is, I don't have much else to talk about right now! Worker Mommy tagged me for this fun bunch of worthless information! She is new to my blog.....but she is hilarious! You need to check her out!


What were you doing 10 years ago?
Ten years ago I had been married to Mr. Mayhem for just under a year. We were young, dumb, and in love. We partied like rock stars ( or else we thought we did) and did whatever we wanted, when we wanted....unless that want required money.....because we were broke. I was teaching and MM was working as a grad assistant while he acquired his PhD. Little did we know our entire world would change at the end of this fateful year when we would find out I was pregnant with The Princess!

What were you doing 1 year ago?
This time last year I was just about the enter the hell that was potty training. I was optimistic that Junior Mayhem would be easier than his sister......that I was due one easy to potty train child! I was so, so very wrong! I actually was going to the gym on a daily basis...as opposed to the whining about going to the gym on a daily basis that I do now.

Five snacks you enjoy:
Snacking brings me a joy that simply cannot be adequately expressed in words. I have ofter said that if I was told I could only eat potatoes and cheese for the rest of my life, I would die a happy woman! ( Just think about all the ways you can combine the two!)
1. Cheese dip....but I have been banned from making it in my house, as I do not possess the ability to control my portion sizes which almost always leads to stomach issues! ( I mean, really, does it GET any better than rotel and Velveeta......I think not!!)
2. Cashews.....I am a sucker for salty food and nuts, especially cashews....hit the spot!
3. Guacamole.........are you seeing a trend here? I LOVE CHIPS AND DIP!
4. Cookies......while I am not a huge fan of baked goods....there is something amazing about a warm chocolate chip cookie with an ice cold glass of milk!
5. Chick-o-stick candy......Have you ever had one of these thing? They are delicious! They look disgusting...and normally I don't care for coconut....but they taste like the inside of a Butterfinger! YUM! They are hard to find....so be on the lookout!


Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:
1. "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce Mr. Mayhem HATES when I sing this song to him...especially when I add the hand motions for "To the left, to the left...everything you own in a box to the left"
2. "Defying Gravity" from the Wicked soundtrack.......Mr. Mayhem saw this show in Houston 2 years ago.......AWESOME!
3. "Any Man of Mine" from Shania Twain......back in the day I would BLAST that song in my car.....I think the loudness permanently etched it on my brain!
4. "Fergalicious" by Fergie.....I made sure to learn ALL the words to this song so I could use it to torture Mr. Mayhem! Good times!
5. In college, there was a horrifically inappropriate song that my friend and I LOVED! Imagine two white 19 year olds trying to locate a rap song that we did not know the title of, and singing some of the lyrics for an amused worker. The title turned out to be "B Better Have My Money"...and by B, I don't mean Bertha! :) While I have not had the occasion to sing it in MANY years......I fear I probably still know the words!


Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1. Hire many sexy cabana boys to cater to my every whim.
2. Buy a huge mansion on a golf course, so Mr. Mayhem would not protest my cabana boy hiring. (He'd be too busy playing golf)
3. Have MASS quantities of plastic surgeries......CABANA BOYS.....remember?
4. Travel extensively...........of course my boys would need to come.....and maybe, Mr. Mayhem and the kids......if they promised to behave........after all, we're rich and have a reputation to uphold!
5. I suppose I would pay off debts and put some aside for my kids' educations....if I had to!

Five bad habits:
Have you read this blog at all? Five does not NEARLY come close to allowing me to air my issues!
1. Control freak.......try not to look so shocked!
2. I am completely neurotic and slightly paranoid........another Earth shaker!
3. I have very little patience!
4. I have a burning desire to be the center of attention at all times.
5. I tend to talk rather loudly....this is further amplified when there are cocktails to be had! It's almost as though a megaphone is permanently affixed to my vocal chords.


Five things you like doing:
1. Shopping.....ah the joys of retail therapy!
2. Spending time with my friends and family......(and I like puppies and unicorns too!)
3. Eating.........sweet cheese dip...you never question, you never judge.....you DO seem to make my midsection bloat.....but I can forgive you for that!
4. Blogging......well, DUH!
5. Traveling

Five things you would never wear again:
1. Bodysuits.....remember those...they snap underneath your "you-know"....yeah, imagine trying to reattach that in a fraternity house bathroom, in the midst of a college party......DIFFICULT...just for the record, they lose their allure when they are not snapped....tend to ride up and look bizarre! FYI!
2. "Ceiling Scrapers" In high school, I had the most heinous set of ceiling scraping bangs you have ever seen! I worked diligently to curl, tease, and spray them until a hurricane could not move those babies! My mom actually punished me by taking away my hairspray...OH, THE HUMANITY! Don't even get me started on the "crimper"! UGH!
3. Any type of Michael Jackson paraphernalia. Believe it or not....back in the "Thriller" days, my mom bought me a shirt with a sequined glove on it. I wore it with pride......back then, I LOVED me some Michael Jackson! (Don't judge me!)
4. A bikini.....OH WAIT! Unless I get my plastic surgery....otherwise, my stomach looks as though I have been attacked by a wild animal....guess that's what happens when you give birth to GIGANTIC babies. ( The Princess 9 lb 8oz....Junior Mayhem 10 lbs 40z ...and they took him a week early!)
5. High top Reeboks....remember the black ones that were fluorescent colors on the bottom? I had the ones with the yellow soles.........so attractive!

Five favorite toys:
1. I no longer have any pride whatsoever so I am NOT ashamed to say BARBIES.....see? I am not ashamed! I played with them until I was almost 12 years old! ( Okay, that I am a little ashamed of).......but I loved them!
2. UNO.......we still play that game all the time around here....it is fun...and easy!
3. I loved my 10 speed bike.......I mean, how cool did I look riding down the way on my bike? (the answer here, is NOT very!)
4. I had a wooden kitchen set that my grandfather had built....I loved that thing....no stinking Easy Bake Oven for this gal.....no thank you! ( The Princess also played with the same kitchen)
5. I loved most board games.......Life, Monopoly, Sorry....you name it!

There, now that I have thoroughly shamed myself......I feel SO much better.

I am going to tag:
LawyerMama and for the record.....I want BAD LM to answer these!
Janet
Southern Fried Mom
and
Carrie

Feel free to consider yourself tagged ( or untagged) if the mood strikes you!

Much Ado About Nothing

There is a sense of tranquility around the Mayhem....not necessarily the one where the king and queen get to rest......but more like things are falling back into the normal chaos, as opposed to the complete and utter chaos that had encompassed the past two months.

I am finished with work for the summer......(cue the happy dance)....and I have already begun the spendathon and eating frenzy that signifies summer vacation. I plan to get a handle on myself in both areas quite soon! This all brings about the thought that I simply COULD NOT be a stay at home mom.....we would be financially bankrupt and I would weigh 500 pounds! OR, if I was a SAHM, I would need to be extremely wealthy so I could go to great lengths to attain trophy wifehood........(one of my fondest dreams).....all you moms who are sacrificing for the good of your children have it ALL WRONG! (hee-hee)

Softball is almost over and I will soon be able to plan things again! All you parents of sports playing kids can feel my pain right now. As if the 10,000 scheduled games and innumerable practices were not bad enough, let's throw in about 5,000 rain postponements....so even the events you plan AFTER the season is supposed to be over can be in jeopardy! GOOD STUFF! On a positive note, The Princess and her team have improved drastically......they have actually won some games! While winning is certainly NOT everything.....losing stinks.....END OF STORY! :)

Junior Mayhem is in typical form....although it has been a few weeks since I have signed any behavior reports at school. ( ME....knocking on wood) He will be home with The Princess and I this summer ( say a prayer for me), so I am hoping to retain my sanity.
Some interesting JM sayings of late:
*( As we are driving down a rural highway near our house) " Momma, look at all those Tiger Woods!" (The road is lined with tree-filled pastures on both sides.)
*(Singing a song he learned at school) "The farmer in the DE-YELL" Note: this word should indeed be dell....but since JM's twang is taking on epic proportions, everything has at least 2 syllables.
*"Look I'm swinging high like Fwoggy!" One of JM's favorite characters is a little frog that is scared to try new things....we have a few of his books....in this one Froggy gets over being scared of the swings.
*We saw him talking to the neighbors' daughter through our back fence. When we asked him about it.........he replied, "H is my sweet little fwiend!"

The Princess is mistakenly under the impression that my sole purpose is to entertain this summer. Honestly, the child has a room that rivals a toy store...how is it POSSIBLE that she could be bored!

Parties have started for my sister's upcoming wedding. The first one was an engagement party with an LSU tailgating theme! GOOD TIMES! Of course I am terribly distraught, as the night of her couple's shower falls on the same date as the "Dancing with the Stars" Tour comes to my town! I was really looking forward to seeing some Joey Fatone and Drew Lachey up close and personal! Oh well, my favorite pro dancer is not going on the tour anyway! ( His name escapes me.....but he is so cute.......he danced with Leeza Gibbons this year)

I am leaving for a "work" convention next week. My coworker and I will be staying near the French Quarter in New Orleans for 3 nights for a conference! OH YEAH BABY! Mr. Mayhem is convinced that I will not be doing much working.......I have no idea where he would get that idea! Two wild gals in the Big Easy.......what could be better? :)

If you are still reading, I suppose you realize this post is little more than a gigantic ramble about nothing.......

I promise to do better next time....(MAYBE!)

What are you doing this week?

There is NO Escape!

As I watch my daughter grow, I am reminded of a quote that I have heard many times during the course of my life. "You can't escape where you come from". This means that we are unavoidably predestined to become our mothers!!!!!!!!!!!!!! While I am sure there are some exceptions to this rule, seeing The Princess and her rapidly blooming neuroses I am convinced this statement has some merit.

I have often posted about my neurotic, almost OCD tendencies.......what I have not posted is that I have passed these tendencies on to my daughter. In fact, you might say The Princess is like the Queen "on crack". Poor baby! She is the POSTER CHILD for an overachiever. If you did not know Mr. Mayhem and I, you would swear we beat her on a regular basis.......due to her reaction to ANYTHING that is less than perfect. ( We don't beat her.......we're too tired from all the beatings of Junior Mayhem...who is FAR from a perfectionist!)

I do my level best to warn everyone that works with her of her personality. If you didn't know any better, her melt downs would frighten you. Girlfriend can work herself into a frenzy, a hyperventilating, sobbing frenzy......and that's just over being behind in a softball game! Most people feel as though they need to try and placate her when she begins the theatrics. Years of experience with these episodes have taught me that this simply doesn't work! The only thing that will dam up the tidal wave of tears is a forceful (not screaming....that makes it worse) command to "dry it up".......usually followed by an explanation of why it is okay not to be perfect. ( This varies, depending on if it is sports or academically related.)

What really kills me......is this child is SO GOOD at almost everything she does! She makes straight A's...without having to study, she is in the gifted and talented program in school, and she is excellent at sports! I just don't understand why she is so hard on herself. We can't be hard on her BECAUSE she is SO hard on herself!

It sometimes makes me sad because I worry that she is an unhappy child. In my heart, I feel like this is not the case.....but seeing her in anguish over JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING.....is hard! Knowing that she came by all of this neurotic behavior honestly, is even harder! She doesn't seem to be suffering too much socially from this.....but she starts fourth grade in the fall and it can't be long before her extreme reactions make her the butt of jokes! ( Did I mention I will teaching her in the fall....AAAAHHHHHHH!) At first I likened it to the fact that she is so young for her grade. Her birthday is in late September. She barely made the cut-off to enter kindergarten. However, her academic skills were entirely too strong to hold her back, or even start her late. In some instances, she is 10 months younger than her classmates! Of course, many of her teachers and the counselor, as well as my observations, have led me to believe that much of this is just her personality.

Some examples of The Princess in "Neurotic Mode":

She took the same standardized test in both first and second grade. She scored a 99%. This means, she scored better than 99% of the other kids that took the very same test. She told me that, "she had tried her very best.....but she just couldn't get a 100". ( You can NOT get a 100 on this test......I might add!)

In third grade she took a slightly different test. This test was both criterion and norm referenced. Meaning, part of it was multiple choice....graded by a machine......and part was short answer/problem solving/writing/higher level thinking skills (etc).....graded by a human. Therefore, the scoring was done differently. When I told her how well she did......how she could not have done any better ( Advanced is the highest score you can get) she wanted to know the score........I put her off and told her how it was weighted differently and she could not compare it to the other tests. Finally, after all that explanation....I told her that she scored a 97% on the multiple choice part.....her response was, "Great! I went down 2 points this year!" WHAT CHILD REMEMBERS THEIR STANDARDIZED TEST SCORES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Princess is FIERCELY competitive when it comes to sports. ( She did NOT get this from her mother....I was not athletic...not even a little) I refer to it as a "fire in her belly". A friend of mine says that " The devil comes out in her". During basketball, Mr. Mayhem ( who coaches her) had to pull her from a game and put her on the bench...because she was running up and down the court sobbing after making a mistake. Don't get me wrong, she was still playing....roughly....but sobbing all the while!

In softball, while up to bat.....the coach will be constantly giving each girl pointers..."move up to the plate...choke up on the bat"....things like that.....when The Princess is up....he would say things like "take a deep breath.....smile......BREATHE......relax" Earlier this year, I yanked her out of the dugout and threatened to take her home if she did not dry it up!

So, there you have it........these are just a few of the many examples of the neuroses I have passed on to my unsuspecting daughter. Much of the time, she is a happy, friendly, mannerly, fun little girl.....but....even SHE knows she has "issues"!

How do you teach someone to give themselves a break? How do teach her to be as proud of herself as we are of her? How do you teach self confidence?

How do you have two children from the exact two parents.......that are completely NIGHT and DAY? One that is so terrified of being less than perfect........and one that could give a care as to anything else but what he wants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Look into the Future

Burg over at Deeper Shades of Red tagged for this meme. I found it rather interesting and since I simply cannot clean another thing in my house at this moment...... here we go!


WHEN I AM AN OLD LADY I HOPE TO:

1. Look amazing due to my vast amounts of plastic surgery.........I may look even better than I do now!
2. Flirt shamelessly with sexy cabana boys.........I plan to travel extensively.
3. Live lavishly using my husband's life insurance money....(hee-hee) I AM JUST KIDDING! I told you we are no longer fighting! :)
4. See my children being wildly successful.....allowing them to keep me in a lifestyle to which I am unaccustomed.
5. Laugh hysterically when I see Junior Mayhem struggle with difficult children of his own!


WHEN I AM AN OLD LADY I WILL NOT:

1. Dress in "maw-maw" clothes. You know the kind....all elastic waistband with embroidery all over the shirts...............NO! Didn't you see where I was going to be hot from all my plastic surgery?
2. Visit my son in prison......PLEASE GOD....do NOT let him end up there! :)
3. Join any kind of craft or quilting club. Not that there is anything wrong with that....but I will be much too busy flirting with cabana boys to be bothered!
4. Wear underwear that could pass for Bermuda shorts..............SO VERY WRONG!
5. Walk slowly down the middle of the aisle in Wal-Mart......I will remember that this makes younger women, especially those with small children with them, consider murder!

There you have it! What will and won't you do as an old lady or man?

More Worthless Information

Just when you thought it was safe to return to the Mayhem......I come back with even more worthless information about myself! Never being shy about talking about.....well, MYSELF, I agreed to let Lawyer Mama interview me. Go over and check out her blog.....it's great!


What made you decide to become a teacher? Is it all that you expected?
HMMMMM..... Should I choose the pageant answer for this one? " I wanted to change the world.......and bring about world peace......as well as cure cancer.....and I thought, what better way to do this than teaching nine year old children the difference between a noun and a verb!" (hee-hee) Seriously, I was greatly impacted by some pretty wonderful teachers early in my life and they helped to motivate me to want to do the same for other children. I knew I loved kids....I was a camp counselor and director for years....it just seemed like a natural fit. Also, I have numerous educators in my family.

As for what I expected, I would have to say both yes and no. When I first started teaching in the inner city schools, I was shocked and appalled by some of the things I saw. Dealing firsthand with children who were abused, neglected, or just plain poor was more than I was prepared to do. However I did find shining examples of "diamonds in the rough", as well as see the fruits of my labors when it came to success. The five years I spent there were some of the most challenging, heart-breaking, and fulfilling years of my life. Now I teach at a school where the majority of the kids come from middle class families. Most don't have to face the same challenges my other students did. It certainly makes for fewer challenges in some regards, and adds many more in others. I will say that being a teacher is an amazing job to have with a family........as long as you don't have to be the bread winner! :)


Have you always lived in the South? Do you consider yourself a southern belle or a steel magnolia? Explain.

I have never resided anywhere above the Mason-Dixon line. I was born in the tiny town of Paragould, Arkansas. I lived in that state until my sophomore year in high school when we moved even more south. I love living here and could not imagine living anywhere else. However, if I HAD to move somewhere else....I think Charleston, South Carolina is GORGEOUS!
I would definitely say I consider myself a steel magnolia.....this gal has got some fight in her....just ask Mr. Mayhem! I would rather not have a confrontation...but I have never been one to shy away from one when it is necessary. My mom did her level best to instill a southern belle mentality in me. I even attended White Gloves (etiquette) classes as a young girl. I think manners are extremely important....but so is standing up for that which you strongly believe!

How did you meet your husband? If you could change one thing about him what would it be?

Mr. Mayhem and I met at the beginning of my freshman year in college. He had just graduated from the same college and happened to be out with some friends at the CHEESIEST meat-market of a bar in the entire town. Yours truly was shaking her thang on the dance floor with my girlfriends when he made his way over to us. We spent the rest of the night dancing and talking. His friends left him, so we were forced to give him a ride home. My friend was ABSOLUTELY livid with me, because she was driving in the front see while MM and I were smooching like fools in the back! Anyway, when we dropped him off at his apartment he asked me to come upstairs and "watch TV".....yeah, he was just that smooth! :) Before I said anything, we heard this booming voice yell, "NO SHE WON'T!!!!!" ( Did I mention my friend was angry?) He got my number, called and invited me to a party.....then NEVER. CALLED. ME. BACK. That's right.....you read that correctly! Then when I saw him out a few months later, he wanted to act like everything was great.....YEAH...that wasn't happening! So began a 4 year "tug of war" between the two of us. I referred to him as my "Fiji Crush" . He would call me every once in a while and want me to "meet him out" (I DON'T THINK SO) and then I would call him........I would see him out....he'd ask if I had a boyfriend ( I almost always did) It got so bad that the guy I dated all the way through college told me to " STAY AWAY FROM MR. MAYHEM" Finally, 4 years later, we ran back into each other at a restaurant....we were both single and I cancelled a date later that night to go have a drink with him. 5 months later, we were engaged....11 years and 2 kids later.......we're still going strong! :)

If I could change one thing about him it would be his inability to adequately express his concerns, frustrations, or anger. He bottles it up and when he can't take it anymore, he explodes. I think this makes him more stressed. I have repeatedly tried to get him to be more open with his feelings...but you know what they say about taking a horse to water!


Favorite literary character? Least favorite?

This question is giving me fits! I wanted to give some eloquent, cerebral answer.....but the truth is, I haven't had a lot of time to read lately. This is a problem I plan to rectify over the summer. I do read novels with my class.....so forgive the elementary answer.

I would say that, of the books I have had time to read of late, Aslan is my favorite character. I studied the novel, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, at great length with my students. I love this character because he has such a direct correlation to Jesus Christ. I like being able to allude to this comparison with my students and see their faces move in amazement as they begin to see it, on their own. As a public school teacher I am not allowed to brazenly impose my religious beliefs on my students, (not that I would.....I think that is the place of their parents) but I like the fact that C.S. Lewis wrote this highly entertaining character that also parallels the trials and tribulations ( right down to the crucifixion and resurrection) of Jesus. Not to mention that this book is an excellent, entertaining read!

Having said all that, would you believe I am also a gigantic Harry Potter nerd? Oh, the depths of my nerdiness know no bounds!

If I had to pick a least favorite, I would have to say "The Wolf" from the James Patterson books. Never have I read about a more disturbing villain.

Maybe after this summer I can post some "higher brow" literary characters.

There you have it. Thanks to Steph! GO READ HER BLOG......SHE ROCKS!

Standoff

Mr. Mayhem is in jeopardy of losing his position ( and possibly an appendage...or HIS LIFE) here at the Mayhem! I am currently seething as I recount the whole event in my mind!

He had the audacity to get mad at me for something I said at dinner last night with my sister and her fiancee. I won't go into it....but suffice to say that calling it trivial would be an understatement! SO....I am now mad at him for being mad at me for a stupid, idiotic, moronic, inane, dumb ( You get the idea) reason! ( It is TOO a good reason to have an argument!)

Of course it has been a while since we have had a "knock down drag out", so I think he may have forgotten the lengths to which I am willing to go to make my point. "Hell hath no fury" and all that other nonsense! But it's too late to turn back now.....I am currently implementing a healthy combination of the silent treatment and rage filled rants.

I am sure there are no words to express the love he feels for me right now. However, I DO NOT CARE.....I did not start this war...but I WILL finish it! ( I am sure my male readers are quietly thanking God they are not married to me!)

Somebody's sleeping on the couch tonight.....and it ISN'T going to be the Queen!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Editor's Note: A relative peace has once again befallen the Mayhem. I have decided, in my infinite mercy, to allow Mr. Mayhem to keep both his position in the house as well as his life!
Yeah, I'm nice like that! :)

It's Hitting the Fan!

Dear Junior Mayhem,
We've been together for three and a half LONG years now. In that time you have done your level best to keep me on my toes. Between the meetings with your preschool teacher, the preschool director, and the carpal tunnel syndrome I have developed from signing all the behavior reports, it has been a roller coaster ride of fun!

Do you remember how you tortured me through potty training? Remember the countless hours spent trying to coerce your stubborn arse to give it a try? Then, finally......after months of brutal torture.....you did it! You took care of all business in the toilet........it was a stellar moment here at the Mayhem. I even went so far as to brag to all my blog friends about my potty training prowess!

So, why........dear LORD why are you forsaking me now? Why are you deciding to revisit that sad, dark time when you would sh*t your pants? Haven't I suffered enough? Haven't I wiped enough *ss for ten lifetimes? You can't do this to me!!!!!!!!!

You know I love you more than my luggage, but if you insist on continuing this obnoxious behavior I will be forced to sell you on Ebay. It's tough love.....and I'm willing to do it.............it is time......Momma is tired of skid marks, poop, and being the bathroom police!

Thank you for your time and attention regarding this matter.

Love,

Queen
AKA Momma

A Needy Gal

I have seen this post on a few of the blogs that I frequent and I was intrigued enough to try it myself. As most of you know, I am a loser and have little more to do with my life that entertain myself by trying silly ideas on the Internet! Now that we have all of that cleared up......let's get on with the fun!

Go to www. google.com
Put in your name + needs and hit enter EX: "Queen + needs"
Laugh at all the crazy things that pop up on your screen

Here's what came up when I typed in my given name + needs:
THE QUEEN NEEDS:

1. Men NOW There was a time in my life when I fully agreed with this statement. However, these days I have more than I can handle with the one man in my life. (TWO...if you count the little man!)

2. Breasts This could not be further from what I NEED! I have these and they are a pain in the neck......LITERALLY! I could use perkier....well...you get the idea!

3. Two therapists It's like they've known me my whole life! The Queen is so neurotic, she needs TWO therapists! If you really want to help....give the Queen two cocktails! :)

4. A childhood NOPE! Had one of those....don't need to go back there........unless I could revisit my ability to use the restroom alone.....NAH! I'll still pass!

5. Some bodyguards Now that's what I'm talking about! The Queen is such a legend in her own mind she needs guards to protect her from the onslaught of adoring fans she imagines she has!

6. $1000 a day YOU GOT THAT RIGHT..........Think of how much retail therapy I could have with that little bundle! Can I please? I REALLY NEED it! :)

7. A hug AWWWWWWW! I could use that.......unless I don't know you...then keep your stinkin' hands to yourself!

8. Your prayers Oh yeah, I need those......keep them coming!

Just for fun I typed in Mr. Mayhem's given name and here are the results:
MR. MAYHEM NEEDS:

1. Music Yeah, stupid music that I don't like listening to......just so we can have something to argue about in the car.....LOVELY!

2. Help Really......do I need to explain this one....he IS married to me!

3. Apologies Well, he's not going to get them from me.....I'd rather take a BEATING than apologize!

4. More education GOOD LORD, NO HE DOESN'T! The man has more degrees than he knows what to do with! He is ABD ( all but dissertation) on his doctorate...for goodness sake! THAT is a story for another post!

5. His headphones back Will somebody, anybody, give the man his headphones........HE NEEDS THEM! :)

LAST, but certainly not LEAST:

6. 1 0r 2 roommates for next year Do you know something that I don't? Should I be concerned? Should I be seeking legal counsel? hee-hee


What do you need?

Good Fortune Finally Befalls the Queen

After a year of teaching a group of students that I worked desperately to motivate, I was a little concerned as to how they might fare on their standardized test. Here we have "high stakes testing" in certain grades (4,8, and 10...to be exact). This means, if the student does not pass the test, they do not move on to the next grade. As I am a fourth grade teacher, there is a great deal of pressure to prepare the students properly to ensure their ideal achievement on the test. The test is given in March. The week of the test is a NIGHTMARE! The kids are stressed, I am stressed, the parents are stressed (well, those that have the good sense to be).....you get the idea!

Today was THE day......the day the scores were released. We all have been waiting anxiously for this moment!

My homeroom is an inclusion class this year. (class where special education students are mainstreamed in with average and below average students) This only seemed to heighten my worries, as many of these kids struggle and need special attention!

Much to my delight, all but 2 students passed the test!!!!! WOO-HOO! I think 2 out of 80 students, total, is excellent!!!! I am so proud of them! The majority of them scored in the top two sections of the score ranking! WHAT A RELIEF!! WHAT A BLESSING!

Also the two that did not pass have the opportunity to attend a summer remediation. At the end of that they will be able to retake the test. If they pass then, they will be promoted to fifth grade!

Isn't it nice when all your hard work actually accomplishes something? It's days like this that remind me why I love being a teacher!!!!

Other Good Things at the Mayhem:

1. The Princess won her first softball game! ( 18-0) YEAH!
2. Just over a week left of school! Just two weeks left of softball!
3. Junior Mayhem....well, he is still HIM....but at least he is cute! :)
4. One of my most challenging students brought me a letter today that informed me she will not be at school for the entire last week! ( YOU HAVE NO IDEA....this is good news!) :)
5. The Princess has her end of the year program tomorrow night. I saw the dress rehearsal today........SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

What's good with you?

It's That Time Again!

Because I am so self-absorbed that I truly believe that you all care to find out more about the Queen, I have decided to participate in the following "Ten Things" meme. I was tagged by Dorky Dad and Jesse to join the fun.

So as if I have not bored you enough with my limitless whining of late, I give you"

TEN THINGS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW

BUT WERE SCARED TO ASK ABOUT THE QUEEN

1. When I was 15, I was an exchange student in Japan. I lived with a host family in Yokohama ( Near Tokyo).

2. Being 5'10, with light hair,fair skin, and freckles I was quite the sight in Japan. Random people would stop me....and boys treated me like a supermodel! Imagine my disappointment when I returned to America and the boys here were not quite as impressed! :)

3. I am not a natural redhead. SHHHHHH!!!! Don't tell anyone! I have brown hair with a lot of natural red highlights, but I have been "all red" since 1994. Most people are surprised because I have the typical redhead personality.

4. I have a gigantic head. Mr. Mayhem delights in making fun of me about it, as my head is bigger than his. Junior Mayhem had to have his head x-rayed at his nine month old checkup due to enormity of its circumference. I had the radiologist laughing when I told him that we were, "big headed people" and he "came by it honestly"!

5. I was in a sorority in college. After graduation, I stayed very active in the alumnae and even was an advisor for the active girls. (Girls still in college) For a number of years I served as president of my alumnae group. I have since gotten over my need to be overly involved! :)

6. I sometimes suffer from "Blog Deja Vu". I will be telling a story to people in "real life" and have the overwhelming feeling that I had already told it before. Usually it is because I have posted about it on my blog. I also do this when it comes to commenting.

7. I became pregnant with The Princess when I was 24. It was just after my first wedding anniversary and Mr. Mayhem and I were planning to go and live in London for a year while he researched his dissertation at Oxford. Needless to say, we did not make it! (Gotta love those little surprises!) I was actually scared to tell my parents, because then I would have to admit that we were having "relations".

8. It took three pregnancy tests before I actually knew, for certain, that I was pregnant. The first one I took had the one line (NOT) and the two line (PREGS). I saw the one line pop up and thought I threw it away. When I walked back into the restroom, I realized I had not thrown it away. Disgusted, I picked it up to toss it when I realized that there were two lines now showing (OMG)...however, the directions said to disregard any results after a certain time table. (1 down) The second test I tried was a +/- one. The lines were so faint, neither Mr. Mayhem OR myself could determine if it was really a +.( 2 down) FINALLY, the third test showed two VERY distinctive lines. Mr. Mayhem was immediately thrilled.....I took a little more time to warm up to the idea! I believe my exact quote was, "I can't even keep a plant alive!"

9. I am about to finish my twelfth year as a teacher. I spent the first 5 years of my career teaching at "inner city' schools. There I broke up enough fights to earn me a job as a bar bouncer! I also had a mom threaten to "slap the piss out of me" because she was displeased with the way I filled out a welfare form for her daughter.

10. I suffered from debilitating post partum depression after the birth of my daughter. It was so bad that I started on meds when I was 4 months pregnant with my son. This set off every red flag in the entire hospital when I went into labor with him as NUMEROUS social workers visited me during my stay, as well as called me when I got home. The silliest one being the lady who asked me (IN FRONT OF MR. MAYHEM)......"Are you scared to go home?" Now, I wasn't....but if I was, would I say so in front of my husband! And they thought I was crazy! :) Thank goodness for meds, as JM's colic was unbearable!

There you have it..........the Queen is a complicated lady!

Tell me 10 things about you!

The Politics of Party Planning

Let me preface this rant with this disclaimer: Last night I help to hostess a party for a dear friend who is getting married this month. She is a lovely lady and not responsible in any way for the nonsense that occurred. Also, my male readers will not be able to relate to this post....AT ALL! ( Although, I did relay the story to Mr. Mayhem and he thought it was silly...or maybe he just thought I was silly....but it was almost 2 AM in the morning and he may have just been humoring me so I would shut up!)

I hosted this shower/bachelorette party with 4 other women. Two of the women are coworkers of mine and two of the women I had never laid eyes on in my life. NOTE: Do NOT plan a shower with people you do NOT know!

The premise for this shower was simple enough...lingerie, with a supper......b party to follow. The lady whose home at which we had the party, was in charge of the whole shebang. ( This is what happens when I try to let go of my control freak ways..........SEE! I told you!) We communicated via email and she led my two coworkers and I to believe it was going to be very informal (which IT WAS) and that she only needed us to take care of the games and hostess gift for the b party.

Every shower I have ever given before (OH, and there have been plenty) we have always just kept our receipts and "settled up" at the end of the function. However, since I have always planned with close friends I had an idea of what the final damage was going to be. NOT the case with this shindig!

I had a sense there might be a problem when I first arrived at her home. There was NOTHING out......don't get me wrong.........her house was GORGEOUS....and I am not a fan of too many cheesy decorations...but there was NOTHING...girlfriend did not even buy plates...cups...NOTHING! In my neurotic mind I start to think that she has done almost nothing for this shower and, "Will it be nice enough.......will the bride think we are cheap.....blah, blah, blah." Keep that last statement in mind (not the blah one...the one before that)..because it will actually turn out to be quite ironic!

My anxiety began to rise when she started making statements like, " I just never know how much to spend on these kind of things....I tend to go overboard.....just look at these flowers...does this look like $50 worth of flowers to you? I am not exaggerating when I tell you this "arrangement" looked like something I could have gotten at Wal-Mart for $10!

One of the other hostesses had stopped to pick up the pasta dish from DeAngelo's. (Italian restaurant chain) When she called me on my cell afterwards, I could tell she was annoyed. One tray of pasta....big enough to feed 20 people....and free bread........anyone want to wager a guess as to how much it cost? $150............one hundred and fifty FREAKING dollars! OMG! Don't get me wrong, I am all about convenience....and I don't mind paying a little more for it.....but $150 for chicken, alfredo sauce, and penne pasta! You have to be kidding me!

When she started totalling up the shower......the number was ASTRONOMICAL! I was in utter shock. We had: chicken pasta, salad, bread (WHICH WAS FREE), a cake.....which looked like it also came from Wal-Mart...but she said cost $60, and a cream cheese appetizer. THAT WAS IT..........one of the other hostesses made a daiquiri type drink....but otherwise....NOTHING!

This was the most expensive shower I have ever given and it had the least amount of things there! How is that possible?! Needless to say, I was not happy.....but I certainly wasn't going to make a scene.......I mean, what could I say? " NO! I don't believe you spent that much...you big liar....and I am NOT going to pay!"

I think the thing that bothers me the most is the bride will never have any idea just how much we spent on her......I know that is not the point...but it seemed as though this shower was very inexpensive....almost cheap, when that could not have been farther from the truth!

It did seem like the bride was having a good time.....and after all, isn't that what it is all about? However, I did learn a valuable, and expensive lesson........no more party planning with strangers...it costs way too much!

Below are a couple of pics from last night.

We forced the bride to wear this silly veil ALL NIGHT!

Some of the ladies and I pose before the festivities get started

My new dress was fun, fun, fun!

MILF Weigh In No WEIGH I'm Stoppin' Now!

I finally found my "weigh" back onto the wagon....and I lost 2 pounds.....


WOO-HOO!!!!!!!!

It feels good....my friends.....it feels GOOD!

Now, if I can only manage to stay motivated!

Tomorrow night my sexy dress is making its grand debut on a bachelorette party I am attending! WATCH OUT WORLD.........here comes the QUEEN! (hee-hee)

I may just be HOT by the wedding in September.....IT COULD HAPPEN!

Hope everyone else did well!

The Kids of Mayhem

Instead of subject you to another whine filled post, I decided to do the next best thing.....force you to look at pictures of my kiddos!

Here The Princess enjoys the inside pool we were forced to use the entire time we were at the beach....due to the winter-like weather outside!

Sometimes it is hard to remember to smile, say cheese, AND keep your eyes open!

The Princess, in all her toothless wonder, shows off a game the Easter Bunny gave her.

Here Junior Mayhem does his impression of "Popeye the Sailor Man"

Beware the Paws of Junior Mayhem!

Just when I thought my life could not be any better.....and by better I mean S*CK totally.....I get a behavior note from Junior Mayhem's school.

Apparently, he was written up for hitting his teacher on the leg. This poor woman, so far this year Junior Mayhem has spit at her( more like raspberry style...not full on spit...if that makes it any better), stomped her toe, kicked at her, and now hit her.

Our conversation regarding the incident went something like this:

Queen: "JM did you go to timeout today?"

JM: "Um......yes ma'am"

Queen: "What did you do to go to timeout?"

JM: " I hit my teacher on her booby!"

Queen (Reeling with utter mortification.......imagining JM being fitted for his prison jumpsuit...) "Where did you hit her?" Praying to GOD I misheard!

JM: " I hit her in her booby!"

After I regained consciousness, I tried to do some more interrogating......to no avail. All I could get out of him was that he did not know why he hit her.

Okay.....so let's see......not only is JM getting in trouble for misbehaving....now we're throwing sexual harassment into the mix. As a mother....I just couldn't be more proud!

This morning I brought him into school, made him apologize to his teacher....tried to avoid eye contact with her, and asked her what happened.

She said they were all playing in the room and he walked up to her, with a big ole' smile on his face, and whacked her on the chest. Is it better or worse that he was not having a fit when he did it....because, honestly I don't know!

The only thing I can figure is that Mr. Mayhem sometimes tells him to come spank me, to be funny. Maybe he was thinking he was joking with her.......I DON'T KNOW! Needless to say, the "funny spankings" will be coming to an end! ( These spankings have never included the chest area!)

I can only imagine they put leg on his sheet because the girl could not write booby with a straight face! I can honestly say that I have never had to use the word booby on a note to a parent........did catch a few students making the hand signal for the "P" word (lady parts)....but I digress!

If only I could remember OTJ's replacement word for the "F" bomb! I know it had "marscaponing" something in it! :)


Do they make bright orange jumpsuits in a 4T? Just checking.