I'll Take Utter Humiliation for $400 Please

It seems like I begin each and every post with, "It's quite hectic around here"........but, PEOPLE.....it really is! There is a steady stream of visitors that make their way in and out of the Castle Mayhem. There are softball games to attend, houses to be cleaned, summer camps to visit, clothes to wash, crazy animals to deal with, work to be done, swimming lessons to take.......you get the idea! So...when Junior Mayhem decided to add one more item to my "to-do" list....I was not pleased....especially when it dealt with cleaning up tee-tee accidents.


He decided he was going to start grabbing his privates constantly (yeah....that is pleasant...imagine watching your son, on a stage, in front of a packed crowd....singing his little heart out with two hands firmly affixed to his *ahem* junk! Good LAWD that word makes me laugh, when it is used in that context! Do you think I will ever grow up?), as well as have accidents a few weeks ago. Part of me knew it was just him being difficult......but I wanted to make sure there was not a problem before I began beating him within an inch of his life for this lovely new habit. Add that to the fact that he told me his "pee-pee was bovering him" and we were headed to the pediatrician.

OF COURSE my pediatrician was not in today and OF COURSE we got to see a young man who does not know me (or JM for that manner.....his normal doctor knows he has a tendency to fall victim to suggestion.)

So....Doogie Howser strolls in and I desperately attempt to maintain my composure as I discuss the problem with my son's junk! I literally have to put my hand over my mouth a couple of times to stifle a giggle as I watch and listen to his interactions with JM. Here is an example of how it went:

DH: "JM what's the problem?"

JM: "Well my pee-pee was bery itchy and bovering me and my mama said it is bad manners to grab it in public."

DH: "Does it hurt you?"

JM: "Yes."

DH: "A lot...or a little?"

JM: "It was hurting....but my daddy rubbed it and it felt better!"

(ME: peering around my shoulders for the impending arrival of the SWAT team to carry me off to prison...."It looked a little irritated, so his father rubbed some Neosporin on it.") You do realize he has uncovered an important milestone in his journey to manhood....as there is VERY little in life that a little rubbing can't make better!

DH: " So it hurts and itches?" To which I remind him that JM is very suggestible......so he attempts something different.

DH: "Does it feel better now?"

JM: "Yes.....it feels better!" (WTF!!!!!!!!!)

You might think that this would be the end of my humiliation.....but you.......you would be terribly mistaken......for next came the questions.....and my secret lamenting of my pasty skin!

DH: "Has anything changed at home? You know....sometimes when things change and kids are not getting enough attention...they will act out."

Queen: "Not that I know of...." Now.....here is something you need to know about me......I am the type of person who is prone to self doubt........even when there is not a shadow of a doubt that what is being said is not true.

2 examples:

1. I was the student in school who was always second guessing themselves when the teacher wanted to know who took something or did something wrong. Even though I KNEW I did not do it.......I would be wracking my brain..........just to be sure!

2. I have a negative blood type (o-) and MM has (A-). When I was pregnant with The Princess, they wanted me to take a Rhogam shot. I told the nurse it was not necessary as my husband also had a negative blood type....to which she responded, "Well.....if you're 100% sure he is the father!" We had been together for almost 4 years and married for almost 2....so I was SURE who the father was.........but she completely threw me and it took me a minute to answer!

Are you sensing a trend here?

Oh....and thank you genetics......my pasty, white skin makes it impossible to hide any emotion that may pass through my neurotic little body! Sad, mad, or embarrassed......my chest and neck begin to look as though I feel asleep while sunbathing.

So, as DH stared at me...trying to rack my brain as to how to explain why the HELL JM does half the nonsense he does......that tell-tale fire engine red hue began to creep up my body. And.....being that BOTH of my children are masters of the obvious.......The Princess felt compelled to let me know that my chest and neck were "really red" in FRONT of Doogie!

After what seemed like an eternity, I gathered up my children along with whatever minuscule speck of dignity I had left and promised to let Doogie know if it did not improve.

Who would have thought a $15 copay could buy SO much humiliation?