We have returned to the Castle Mayhem from a long weekend of sand, sun, food, and mass quantities of family bonding. It was a wonderful trip and I truly enjoyed watching Junior Mayhem have a great time on the beach. The Princess was slightly less enthused......as she has acquired all my freak neuroses....including a complete paranoia about jellyfish!
While sunning myself......and by sunning, I mean hiding under the shade of my 100 SPF umbrella and still getting pink.........I noticed a few things during my people watching adventures.
1. No matter how chubby you think you are.......there are ALWAYS fatter people on the beach. AND these people are almost always wearing tiny bathing suits. I am hesitant to take off my cover up....so as to disguise the belly bulge that is the bane of my existence......yet homegirl is wearing a bikini that is lost in one of the fat rolls on her stomach? WTF? Don't get me wrong....I have been known to appreciate my appearance more after a few drinks.....but really....if you need to see out a missing person's report for your lost bikini string....you are probably too fat to wear the suit.....just saying!
2. White, pasty people (such as myself) NEED to wear mass quantities of sunscreen AND find shade from time to time! Why, oh why do these people never learn? You can always pick out the idiot that is fried on day one of the trip........you know, the one who will spend the rest of the time MISERABLE, shirted, and aloed.....wishing for a swift end to the unimaginable pain! (AND...oh yes.....I have been that person......many times....UNFORTUNATELY!) In college, I attended a fraternity formal in Florida. Feeling invincible, and actually able to wear a bikini with pride........I spent the day basking in the glow of the sun, and the admiration of my date (when we weren't fighting....we were a TERRIBLE COUPLE...but I digress). What I did NOT do is apply enough sunscreen.......and as luck would have it.....I was a deep shade of maroon by the time the actual dance came around. I kept begging to leave the party and could not understand why my date insisted we stay......that is....until I was called to the dance floor and crowned as one of the "dream girls"of the fraternity. Yeah......dream girl with the blistered shoulders and fried behind cheeks...........SEXY! The couple who shared the room with us thought they had walked in on some funny business when I was laying, face down on the bed and my boyfriend was rubbing on my arse. What they didn't know....until later....OF COURSE we told them....was that I was SOBBING into the pillow and he was rubbing aloe on that lovely little area of the behind that never does OR should see the light of day, just on the underside of the cheeks! That is a pain I don't EVER desire to relive! WOW! That was a really long, drawn out way of saying that seeing all the whities with the bright red backs and shoulders brought back painful memories on the beach!
3. Drunk people are funny. Really.......do I need to elaborate on this one?
Next year.........seriously......I am going to be HAWT when I go to the beach! Yeah, don't quote me on that one!
What have you learned while enjoying some beachy fun?
Sunday, July 06, 2008
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30 Knelt before the Queen:
I have learned that in small country towns peolpe also suffer from the "Lost bikini string" syndrome in higher numbers. That and evidently the local wal-mart doesn't carry sunscreen. I am lucky in that being part native american, if I play my cards right, I am never lobster girl. Unfortunately I rarey play any cards right and end up burnt beyond recognition at least once a year!
Not to get so drunk (and subsequently sick) on the first day of the trip that the mere sight of alcohol makes you sick for the rest of the trip.
(Senior Trip. Also Spring Break. I'm a slow learner.)
Yay your back! Also I hear ya on all those points. You are too funny :)
Dude, I love rule #1, it's true. There is ALWAYS someone fatter.
Some drunk people are funny. It's the dumb ones that give drinking a bad name, lol.
I've learned that half of those lobster red suckers are the very drunk people that you mentioned in the end. Nothing helps a person feel invincable in the sun quite as quickly as BOOZE.
Not that I'D know anything about that...
Ok, as I am one of those morons that forgot to sunscreen properly, you can read at http://www.hope4peyton.org/?p=569 how my children treated my pain and distress with the utmost sensitivity. Rotten, little heathens!
-Anissa
www.hope4peyton.org
Oh! Why oh why the teeny bikinis????
And there I am with a mumu on.
That an old hippie wearing a speedo and playing a harmonica is not a pretty sight!
So glad to hear it went well. I do agree with you about the teeny bikini chubby people... (I myself don't even like wearing a 2 piece anymore after the kids but my husband makes me, lol)
By the way, we have a beach just down the street from where I live. In case you're looking for a new destination for next year. I'm just sayin'.
(we could call Annie and make a fun weekend out of it, hehe)
LOL at you. Hilarious list, especially the digression. And I say that as a fellow Whitey McWhiterson.
Me?
I have learned that I am petty and shallow and apparently a number of other not very impressive things because I spend a ridiculous amount of time feeling okay about myself in a bathing suit, especially when much younger women walk by and I think, "HA! She makes me feel pretty good about the shape I'm in 20 years past her!" and then I smirk all pleased with myself until my husband asks what's up and I say, "Nothing, just having a nice time," and he's all glad and I'm relieved he'll never know what a horrible person I am in this way at least LOL.
I'm not a beach person so I don't go..at all. No one...and I mean NO ONE will ever see this has been of a body in a bathing suit. lol
I can just imagine the pain you were in with that sunburn. YIKES!!!
wide brim Sun hats protect the ears from burn, a gauzy thin white long sleeved top to take on and off (protects the shoulders from burn and don't forget to put LOTS of sunblock on the feet-- you don't want a foot burn, very thin clothing means you can wear longer pants and long sleeves very so often to give the skin a rest from the sun. It works in the Sahara Desert and it's comfy. Never wear a one-piece bathing suit , they make everyone look matronly I think or too sporty not pretty.
Haha..I swear I found some of your beach goers "lost bikini's" unfortunately, I think they had found their way into a 'much too small' home of their own! Ha
As for beach lessons we learned on our trip...cloud cover does not mean you are safe from the sun...we had a few become very aware of it after a full day in the 'shade'.
Glad you guys had a wonderful time!
~K
Dennis wonders what jellyfish taste like--Dennis says Eddy is driving him crazy now, parenting is so hard!
#1 is SOOO true! And hilarious.
I've finally discovered my magic number for sunscreen. SPF 30 lets me tan but not burn. (yes, I know I should be wearing SPF 65,321 and not tanning at all, but it's my ONE vice!)
You forgot to mention, the dreaded SPEEDO....
Why oh,why do men wear those bloody suits????
Just back from my beach vaycay and I learned that no matter how hot you think you are there is always someone hotter. I hate those skinny bitches who push out a couple of kids then return to their skinny selves like nothing ever happened. Damn them. So unfair!
Thanks for helping out at my place. Your post rocked! My sentiments exactly especially after spending a week on vacation with my hubby.
If the fish tastes a bit "off" don't swallow even that first bite! Spit it out. I got food poisoning in Mexico and spent the rest of the trip in misery. Oy. Not fun. Wasn't outside enough to even NEED sunscreen. How sad is that?
But thanks for reading/commenting on my post at Slackermommy's. You had an awesome list.
I have learned that no matter how hot it is, my daughter will still wear socks and Crocs with her bathing suit.
At three, she is already acting like a senior citizen.
What in the world could posess a really fat guy to wear a Speedo??? I mean, really, when all of the spandex disappears beneath the "dunlap" section, is there really any point in wearing it at all - Wait! YES... that would be Worse... oh, for goodness sake, somebody get that guy a pair of trunks...
ick. ick, again. Now I am feeling sick.
J/
beachy fun? on the Knox Prairie of NC Texas? ha ha!
Have you ever noticed the numerous people who are interviewed on T.V. (for different reasons) who are really obese?? I saw a CNN account of a family being 'kicked' off a major airline. Kids were unruly, destructive, and disruptive. But, oh my gosh!! You could understand when they interviewed the adults with them!!
Ooops! There I go...being judgemental! Sorry, Queen...but IT WAS disgusting!
#1- This is exactly why bikinis need to be in certain sizes only! No XXL's available!
HAHAHA... I love people watching on the beach!! Last year, I sat on the beach in meeeheeco all knocked up and preggers and thought I was 'huge'. I still looked hotter than some of the tubs that were sporting teeny tiny bathing suits (and shouldnt have been) PLUS a chick showed up that was due with her new baby like the week before! lol She had a bikini on too!
I have learned that babies are enticed to eat sand. Generally they cry after the first mouthful and their mothers put the binkie in to prevent future misadventures....
I have also learned that swimsuit manufacturers are sick bastards who believe the 11 and 12 year old girls should be dressed like sluts.
Also -- white people like me do well to wear crazy ass sun hats. Hey -- at least I'm not flaunting my butt crack.
PS -- All I shoot for on the beach anymore is that people who look at me will say "Hey, at least she did the best she could with what she had to work with...."
Thank God for those fat people, too. Make me feel less odd taking my shirt off at the beach, even if I do blind a few people doing it.
DDad - you have a point. My fizzeak (hukt on fonix werkt fer me) ain't what it used to be, either...
got that whole pasty love-handled thing going on...
J/
Queen -
Found a related video - entitled "Thogging"...
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/e466632072
enjoy!
goteeman
You give me hope for my tropcial getaway planned for May. There will be someone there fatter than me.
As long as HAWT doesn't mean beet red sunburnt, you'll be great.
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