It seems like I begin each and every post with, "It's quite hectic around here"........but, PEOPLE.....it really is! There is a steady stream of visitors that make their way in and out of the Castle Mayhem. There are softball games to attend, houses to be cleaned, summer camps to visit, clothes to wash, crazy animals to deal with, work to be done, swimming lessons to take.......you get the idea! So...when Junior Mayhem decided to add one more item to my "to-do" list....I was not pleased....especially when it dealt with cleaning up tee-tee accidents.
He decided he was going to start grabbing his privates constantly (yeah....that is pleasant...imagine watching your son, on a stage, in front of a packed crowd....singing his little heart out with two hands firmly affixed to his *ahem* junk! Good LAWD that word makes me laugh, when it is used in that context! Do you think I will ever grow up?), as well as have accidents a few weeks ago. Part of me knew it was just him being difficult......but I wanted to make sure there was not a problem before I began beating him within an inch of his life for this lovely new habit. Add that to the fact that he told me his "pee-pee was bovering him" and we were headed to the pediatrician.
OF COURSE my pediatrician was not in today and OF COURSE we got to see a young man who does not know me (or JM for that manner.....his normal doctor knows he has a tendency to fall victim to suggestion.)
So....Doogie Howser strolls in and I desperately attempt to maintain my composure as I discuss the problem with my son's junk! I literally have to put my hand over my mouth a couple of times to stifle a giggle as I watch and listen to his interactions with JM. Here is an example of how it went:
DH: "JM what's the problem?"
JM: "Well my pee-pee was bery itchy and bovering me and my mama said it is bad manners to grab it in public."
DH: "Does it hurt you?"
JM: "Yes."
DH: "A lot...or a little?"
JM: "It was hurting....but my daddy rubbed it and it felt better!"
(ME: peering around my shoulders for the impending arrival of the SWAT team to carry me off to prison...."It looked a little irritated, so his father rubbed some Neosporin on it.") You do realize he has uncovered an important milestone in his journey to manhood....as there is VERY little in life that a little rubbing can't make better!
DH: " So it hurts and itches?" To which I remind him that JM is very suggestible......so he attempts something different.
DH: "Does it feel better now?"
JM: "Yes.....it feels better!" (WTF!!!!!!!!!)
You might think that this would be the end of my humiliation.....but you.......you would be terribly mistaken......for next came the questions.....and my secret lamenting of my pasty skin!
DH: "Has anything changed at home? You know....sometimes when things change and kids are not getting enough attention...they will act out."
Queen: "Not that I know of...." Now.....here is something you need to know about me......I am the type of person who is prone to self doubt........even when there is not a shadow of a doubt that what is being said is not true.
2 examples:
1. I was the student in school who was always second guessing themselves when the teacher wanted to know who took something or did something wrong. Even though I KNEW I did not do it.......I would be wracking my brain..........just to be sure!
2. I have a negative blood type (o-) and MM has (A-). When I was pregnant with The Princess, they wanted me to take a Rhogam shot. I told the nurse it was not necessary as my husband also had a negative blood type....to which she responded, "Well.....if you're 100% sure he is the father!" We had been together for almost 4 years and married for almost 2....so I was SURE who the father was.........but she completely threw me and it took me a minute to answer!
Are you sensing a trend here?
Oh....and thank you genetics......my pasty, white skin makes it impossible to hide any emotion that may pass through my neurotic little body! Sad, mad, or embarrassed......my chest and neck begin to look as though I feel asleep while sunbathing.
So, as DH stared at me...trying to rack my brain as to how to explain why the HELL JM does half the nonsense he does......that tell-tale fire engine red hue began to creep up my body. And.....being that BOTH of my children are masters of the obvious.......The Princess felt compelled to let me know that my chest and neck were "really red" in FRONT of Doogie!
After what seemed like an eternity, I gathered up my children along with whatever minuscule speck of dignity I had left and promised to let Doogie know if it did not improve.
Who would have thought a $15 copay could buy SO much humiliation?
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
It's One of Two Things
My school year ended on a less than ideal note last Friday. I attended two horrifically overwhelming, and...surprisingly boring at the same time, inservices that sent my neurotic, OCD ridden mind into overload. I returned to my school, only to greet a friend of mine that recently had her first baby.
She and I have a relationship where we are constantly making little, backhand smart ass statements to each other. We delight in messing with each other and I (FOOLISHLY) thought this day was a perfect time for more of the same. (A LITTLE BACKGROUND) She was one of those people who constantly made the "I will NEVER let my child......" insert just about anything here. I often told her I could not WAIT until she had kids and had to eat each and every one of these words. So....when she made an offhand comment about motherhood kicking her behind....I could not wait to razz her a little about it. What I didn't see........as I was gazing at her beautiful, newborn baby girl........was the fact that she had tears in her eyes when she was saying it. So.....being the kind, thoughtful friend that I am.....said something along the lines of...."I guess you've just been so busy doing all the things you swore you would never do....." only to look up and see her exhausted, overwhelmed face. LOVELY.......I didn't feel like a horse's ass AT ALL after that! I was going to take it back......but opted to wait and speak to her alone later. This set the tone for the rest of the day.
As if my first performance was not stellar enough......I then threw a temper tantrum of epic proportions when I received my schedule for next year. A large part of it does not make sense to me......BUT what I didn't realize (as I was WAY too busy lying on the floor, kicking and screaming) was that the administration had been trying to hammer it out for almost a week. (NICE) The really lovely part was that I melted down IN THE CAFETERIA...where all of God and creation could watch. Normally, I try to be a little more discreet......but I LOST. IT. Add the stress of all the new things I had learned I have to do next year with the less than ideal schedule and I was DONE! Of course.....being the paranoid person I am.....I left there and lost sleep that night CONVINCED everyone hated me! ( Don't you want to work with me?)
So.....after careful consideration.....I have decided that my recent fits of rage and foot in mouth disorder were caused by one of two things. Either I am in desperate need of returning to the use of mood altering drugs......or I am just a raging beyotch! Only time will tell which one it is!
The one good thing is........I am off for the summer. SO....my colleagues have 2 months to forget my antics!
She and I have a relationship where we are constantly making little, backhand smart ass statements to each other. We delight in messing with each other and I (FOOLISHLY) thought this day was a perfect time for more of the same. (A LITTLE BACKGROUND) She was one of those people who constantly made the "I will NEVER let my child......" insert just about anything here. I often told her I could not WAIT until she had kids and had to eat each and every one of these words. So....when she made an offhand comment about motherhood kicking her behind....I could not wait to razz her a little about it. What I didn't see........as I was gazing at her beautiful, newborn baby girl........was the fact that she had tears in her eyes when she was saying it. So.....being the kind, thoughtful friend that I am.....said something along the lines of...."I guess you've just been so busy doing all the things you swore you would never do....." only to look up and see her exhausted, overwhelmed face. LOVELY.......I didn't feel like a horse's ass AT ALL after that! I was going to take it back......but opted to wait and speak to her alone later. This set the tone for the rest of the day.
As if my first performance was not stellar enough......I then threw a temper tantrum of epic proportions when I received my schedule for next year. A large part of it does not make sense to me......BUT what I didn't realize (as I was WAY too busy lying on the floor, kicking and screaming) was that the administration had been trying to hammer it out for almost a week. (NICE) The really lovely part was that I melted down IN THE CAFETERIA...where all of God and creation could watch. Normally, I try to be a little more discreet......but I LOST. IT. Add the stress of all the new things I had learned I have to do next year with the less than ideal schedule and I was DONE! Of course.....being the paranoid person I am.....I left there and lost sleep that night CONVINCED everyone hated me! ( Don't you want to work with me?)
So.....after careful consideration.....I have decided that my recent fits of rage and foot in mouth disorder were caused by one of two things. Either I am in desperate need of returning to the use of mood altering drugs......or I am just a raging beyotch! Only time will tell which one it is!
The one good thing is........I am off for the summer. SO....my colleagues have 2 months to forget my antics!
Monday, May 19, 2008
The End is NEAR!
The countdown has begun. Less than one week until I am living the life of leisure! All I have to survive is the last day of school with my students, (tomorrow), 2 days of an excruciating training on a new assessment strategy (that we will be forced to use for a few years...until the powers that be decide it doesn't work either.....but I digress), AND one painful new textbook seminar.....and then FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then I will enthusiastically usher in the life were my main concerns will be what camp to let my children attend and what to pack for some fun trips! (Of course......I will be spending 24/7 with both of my children.....one of which happens to be JUNIOR MAYHEM......but I won't be working! )
Who knows? Maybe I will be able to post on a more regular basis........visit the blogs of those I love........bring back some of my long lost readers..........lose some of these excess LBs I have recently found......find a cure for cancer.....solve world hunger........run for president......the opportunities are ENDLESS!
Here are some goals for the summer: (Because I KNOW that, by posting them here, they will definitely happen.....you know.....it worked so well for my new year's resolutions!!!!!!)
1. Paint both kids' rooms ( curse you flat paint....my house is NOT even 3 years old)
2. Get in shape, lose the spare tire I am smuggling around my mid-section.......I ordered the Wii Fit.....so I am SURE this will happen! (You know, like having the elliptical in my living room has kept me SO fit thus far!)
3. Prepare Junior Mayhem for kindergarten. This is a post in and of itself....I will save it for another time!
4. Watch a LOT of trashy TV. "Days of Our Lives" here I come! You know...I haven't watched this in over a year.....so I should be completely caught up in less than a week!
Try not to be jealous of my lofty plans. I am exhausted.......physically, mentally, emotionally......I am hoping to take some time to catch my breath. 2008 has been a little rough, thus far.....and I am anxiously awaiting some down time!
Now......if I could only find a sexy latin cabana boy to cater to my every whim.....my summer will be COMPLETE! Whose got one I can borrow?
Then I will enthusiastically usher in the life were my main concerns will be what camp to let my children attend and what to pack for some fun trips! (Of course......I will be spending 24/7 with both of my children.....one of which happens to be JUNIOR MAYHEM......but I won't be working! )
Who knows? Maybe I will be able to post on a more regular basis........visit the blogs of those I love........bring back some of my long lost readers..........lose some of these excess LBs I have recently found......find a cure for cancer.....solve world hunger........run for president......the opportunities are ENDLESS!
Here are some goals for the summer: (Because I KNOW that, by posting them here, they will definitely happen.....you know.....it worked so well for my new year's resolutions!!!!!!)
1. Paint both kids' rooms ( curse you flat paint....my house is NOT even 3 years old)
2. Get in shape, lose the spare tire I am smuggling around my mid-section.......I ordered the Wii Fit.....so I am SURE this will happen! (You know, like having the elliptical in my living room has kept me SO fit thus far!)
3. Prepare Junior Mayhem for kindergarten. This is a post in and of itself....I will save it for another time!
4. Watch a LOT of trashy TV. "Days of Our Lives" here I come! You know...I haven't watched this in over a year.....so I should be completely caught up in less than a week!
Try not to be jealous of my lofty plans. I am exhausted.......physically, mentally, emotionally......I am hoping to take some time to catch my breath. 2008 has been a little rough, thus far.....and I am anxiously awaiting some down time!
Now......if I could only find a sexy latin cabana boy to cater to my every whim.....my summer will be COMPLETE! Whose got one I can borrow?
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Really Random
Hey blogging buddies..........have you missed me? ( Cue sound of crickets) Is anyone out there......Bueller, Bueller, BUELLER? Sorry I haven't been around much lately.......this whole being a momma, wife, and having a full time job is kicking my arse!
The countdown to summer has officially begun.........t-minus 2 weeks to go! WOO-HOO! This can not come a moment too soon.......as I am done.......stick a fork in me........DONE! I am WORSE than the kids......I have a horrible case of spring fever and have lost all urge to teach!
I thought I would share a few of the random things that have happened to me lately. Those of you who know me understand that, often things happen in my life that could ONLY happen to someone like me! These lovely examples fit that category.
Terror in the Wal-Mart ( Also known as "Cleanup.......aisle 7")
The Princess and I were minding our own business, doing our part to rev up the economy with our weekly $200 (or more) trip to Wal-Mart. Junior Mayhem was with his father and TP and I were revelling in the fact that our trip was much less stressful without the little monster causing a stir! To that end, she was riding happily on the end of the cart. This would not really be a problem were she not 9 years old, weighing 63 pounds. The addition of a 63 pound LONG drink of water on the end of my cart makes it difficult, if not impossible, to steer. Add $200 worth of groceries and other needless nonsense in the cart and......well, you get the idea.
So, when I went to turn around on the water aisle TP's behind struck a tiny shelf hanging on the side of an end cap. An end cap that just so happened to be holding mass quantities of glass bottles full of rootbeer and orange cream soda. Within seconds, a deafening crash could be heard throughout the entire store........as the entire contents of between 200 and 300 bottles crashed onto the ground. TP and I stared at the mess.......dumbfounded.....with our best "deer in the headlights" look. Out rushes a milk stocker and an old man from the store. The old man looked horribly disgusted and took off to get help. The milk man preceded to talk my ear off for what seemed like an eternity. I stood there for a while.....feeling compelled to tell someone this devastating scene was caused by me. However, after what I deemed as a reasonable amount of time passed, and my inability to stand the droning of the milk man drove me to flee.
We shakily completed the rest of our shopping and headed towards the checkout. I heard them call for cleanup at least three times while we were there. It sounded something like this," Attention cleaners......we had a lady unable to steer her buggy that completely destroyed millions of dollars worth of inventory in waterland.........who has gone AWOL..... feel free to use excessive force to bring her to justice.....oh and come clean this ENORMOUS mess!" Well, that might not have been exactly what they said......but the leering stares of the other customers told me they knew of my guilt, my secret, and they were ready to turn me in! For all I know.......they may still be calling for a cleanup!
As if all of this was not bad enough, I bent down to put something on the bottom of my cart and the cashier whispers, "Don't bend over again", makes an eye cut to the man behind me, and imitates his bug eyed stare at my chest. LOVELY! What a perfect end to a perfect trip in a perfect store! I am currently seeking therapy to deal with the repercussions of this fateful day!
Future Felon (Episode 999,999)
Ever closer to his need for the orange jumpsuit, Junior Mayhem truly outdid himself today. It's not enough that he is going through some freak control phase where he is having bathroom accidents just to spite me.......but let's add grand larceny to the repertoire...shall we?
My family dined at a swanky restaurant for Mother's Day. It was a champagne brunch and the food, atmosphere, and mimosas were divine! Surprisingly, JM was behaving relatively well. Save for a few breakdancing moments, picking up food off the floor that had fallen (and trying to eat it), and an unfortunate run in with some syrup for a Belgian waffle, things were going quite smoothly. Now, maybe I should have paid more attention to my son......and a little less to my mimosa....but it is MOTHER'S DAY....I was off the clock! Somewhere during the time, JM decided it would be a great time to stick some silverware into the cargo pocket of his shorts. I caught him doing this once (NOTE......what was his daddy doing.....you know the one that was SUPPOSED to be watching him.....it being MD and all? GOOD QUESTION!) and told him to put them back on the table. (Cue humorous banter with family AND a delicious mimosa) On our way to the parking garage, the sun hit a very shiny object protruding from JM's pocket. That's right people.......my son STOLE a stinking spoon from the restaurant! Now, I wish I could tell you I marched right back inside, son in tow, made him return the spoon, and admit what he did.........but I was REALLY full, REALLY tired, and well.....that's all I have........I didn't......I have the spoon......and much like the "beating" of the Tell Tale Heart, it is driving me crazy!
Do you think they can try a 4 year old as an adult? Should I start contacting military schools today? Should I turn myself in for being an accessory to theft? Should I drink another mimosa?
ANSWERS......people.......I need answers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The countdown to summer has officially begun.........t-minus 2 weeks to go! WOO-HOO! This can not come a moment too soon.......as I am done.......stick a fork in me........DONE! I am WORSE than the kids......I have a horrible case of spring fever and have lost all urge to teach!
I thought I would share a few of the random things that have happened to me lately. Those of you who know me understand that, often things happen in my life that could ONLY happen to someone like me! These lovely examples fit that category.
Terror in the Wal-Mart ( Also known as "Cleanup.......aisle 7")
The Princess and I were minding our own business, doing our part to rev up the economy with our weekly $200 (or more) trip to Wal-Mart. Junior Mayhem was with his father and TP and I were revelling in the fact that our trip was much less stressful without the little monster causing a stir! To that end, she was riding happily on the end of the cart. This would not really be a problem were she not 9 years old, weighing 63 pounds. The addition of a 63 pound LONG drink of water on the end of my cart makes it difficult, if not impossible, to steer. Add $200 worth of groceries and other needless nonsense in the cart and......well, you get the idea.
So, when I went to turn around on the water aisle TP's behind struck a tiny shelf hanging on the side of an end cap. An end cap that just so happened to be holding mass quantities of glass bottles full of rootbeer and orange cream soda. Within seconds, a deafening crash could be heard throughout the entire store........as the entire contents of between 200 and 300 bottles crashed onto the ground. TP and I stared at the mess.......dumbfounded.....with our best "deer in the headlights" look. Out rushes a milk stocker and an old man from the store. The old man looked horribly disgusted and took off to get help. The milk man preceded to talk my ear off for what seemed like an eternity. I stood there for a while.....feeling compelled to tell someone this devastating scene was caused by me. However, after what I deemed as a reasonable amount of time passed, and my inability to stand the droning of the milk man drove me to flee.
We shakily completed the rest of our shopping and headed towards the checkout. I heard them call for cleanup at least three times while we were there. It sounded something like this," Attention cleaners......we had a lady unable to steer her buggy that completely destroyed millions of dollars worth of inventory in waterland.........who has gone AWOL..... feel free to use excessive force to bring her to justice.....oh and come clean this ENORMOUS mess!" Well, that might not have been exactly what they said......but the leering stares of the other customers told me they knew of my guilt, my secret, and they were ready to turn me in! For all I know.......they may still be calling for a cleanup!
As if all of this was not bad enough, I bent down to put something on the bottom of my cart and the cashier whispers, "Don't bend over again", makes an eye cut to the man behind me, and imitates his bug eyed stare at my chest. LOVELY! What a perfect end to a perfect trip in a perfect store! I am currently seeking therapy to deal with the repercussions of this fateful day!
Future Felon (Episode 999,999)
Ever closer to his need for the orange jumpsuit, Junior Mayhem truly outdid himself today. It's not enough that he is going through some freak control phase where he is having bathroom accidents just to spite me.......but let's add grand larceny to the repertoire...shall we?
My family dined at a swanky restaurant for Mother's Day. It was a champagne brunch and the food, atmosphere, and mimosas were divine! Surprisingly, JM was behaving relatively well. Save for a few breakdancing moments, picking up food off the floor that had fallen (and trying to eat it), and an unfortunate run in with some syrup for a Belgian waffle, things were going quite smoothly. Now, maybe I should have paid more attention to my son......and a little less to my mimosa....but it is MOTHER'S DAY....I was off the clock! Somewhere during the time, JM decided it would be a great time to stick some silverware into the cargo pocket of his shorts. I caught him doing this once (NOTE......what was his daddy doing.....you know the one that was SUPPOSED to be watching him.....it being MD and all? GOOD QUESTION!) and told him to put them back on the table. (Cue humorous banter with family AND a delicious mimosa) On our way to the parking garage, the sun hit a very shiny object protruding from JM's pocket. That's right people.......my son STOLE a stinking spoon from the restaurant! Now, I wish I could tell you I marched right back inside, son in tow, made him return the spoon, and admit what he did.........but I was REALLY full, REALLY tired, and well.....that's all I have........I didn't......I have the spoon......and much like the "beating" of the Tell Tale Heart, it is driving me crazy!
Do you think they can try a 4 year old as an adult? Should I start contacting military schools today? Should I turn myself in for being an accessory to theft? Should I drink another mimosa?
ANSWERS......people.......I need answers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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