(PLEASE DON'T) Rock Me Like a Hurricane

Like every other deep south resident, we are loaded down with extra supplies and preparing to hunker down as Gustav continues to strengthen in the gulf.

It does not go unnoticed that it is happening right around the three year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. That experience ended my blissful ignorance of the devastation of these storms. Before Katrina, my dealings with hurricanes had been mild. A lot of wind and rain, a little inconvenience at the stores and pumps......but that was about it.

Don't get me wrong.......we were the lucky ones. We sustained only medium damages and our roof was completely replaced within a month and a half. Even more fortuitous for us....our insurance paid for it all!

However, the lack of necessities were severe and I have become much more of a hoarder as a result. As you can imagine, our store shelves are bare when it comes to bread, water, batteries, and ice. We have a stockpile of junk food that could feed the entire town in which I live. ( After all....if I am going to be trapped in a house with no electricity for GOD knows how long....I need SOMETHING to take the edge off!!!!!) Our necessities will be taken care of. We DON'T have a generator....but filled an extra can of propane...so we can cook all the food in the freezer, if need be.

We're as prepared as we possibly can be..........but it doesn't look good with Gustav.......and the memory of the devastation in New Orleans is still etched into my memory. I could tell you story after story of families who lost everything....and then were robbed of their last ounce of dignity by the insurance companies.....it was just tragic. I sincerely hope that this will not be the case this time.

Please pray for all the residents of the gulf coast....as this may be a difficult week ahead!

Seriously........Who Does This?

Just when you thought Junior Mayhem hit rock bottom by announcing to his entire Sunday School class that his dad was in jail........he pulls this little number:

Queen: "JM, come in the kitchen.....the sitter just walked into the house."


JM: " I'm coming......I just need to blah-blah-blah" (inaudible...and if I had known what was coming....I would have left it that way!)

Queen: "What did you say?"

JM: " I said I am just trying to get the poo-poo off my sheet."

It would seem that he had some excess waste and determined it would be wise to remove said stain by wiping his ass on his comforter!

Then....he gave pause to this idea (possibly envisioning the physical violence that was soon to head his direction) and decided to try and remove the evidence using some toilet paper.

This will go down in history as one of my proudest moments in motherhood. Life is great people......LIFE IS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Calgon?

Hanging In There.......Sort Of!

We are now in the latter half of our second full week at school.....and PEOPLE (prepare yourself for a little whining) I am TIRED! I know the beginning of school is rough. I know these kids have been living the life of leisure for two months. To tell the truth...so have I, and I am STRUGGLING to get back in the swing of things!

I have some new challenges this year......and this neurotic Queen does not take to change! It is a day to day process as to whether I will, indeed, survive until May. Yesterday it was a resounding YES.....today, not so much! (Wow! This did not sound nearly as whiny when I thought it up in my head!)

The Princess is shining in fifth grade. She is loving every minute of it. School is definitely her thing. Junior Mayhem is doing decently well in kindergarten. He is loving it and has yet to pull any of his infamous craziness. I am having to accept the fact that he is not the kind of child that will keep his tag on green everyday. He came home on red a few days ago, and was absolutely hysterical. We threatened him with the loss of his beloved television and bodily harm and he has been trucking along on yellow ever since! Complete victory? No. But yellow is just a warning, and LET'S FACE IT......JM is a warning needing type of kid!

I hope I will be looking back on this post in a few weeks and laughing at how pitiful I sound. That sounds reasonable....doesn't it? PLEASE TELL ME THIS WILL HAPPEN!

Hope your week is going well!

The Entrenpreneurial Spirit

I have a saying that, unfortunately, my life has been reduced to embracing. It goes something like this: "I never do anything myself that I can pay somebody else to do." Yes....I realize that is rather pathetic....but.....I AM NOT HANDY! I can't even put a puzzle together...so don't even get me started on building or installing something. People have their strengths and weaknesses and I am smart enough to know where mine lie!

However, this is NOT the case for my pal Burg. She has decided to take a special talent that started as a hobby and make it into a money-making machine! (Yeah.....because we ALL know that there is HUGE money in blogging! NOT!) She is starting a blog design business. While she did not design my template ( I paid someone else to do that before I knew of her talents.) She did switch over my entire site to the new blogger. AND..I might add that she is very adept at dealing with the computer inept (read: ME). I somehow managed to delete my ENTIRE link list within the first few minutes of use. (Now do you see why I have to get other people's help?!) She graciously repaired my grievous error without as much as a complaint. You know, not even a, "Are you freaking kidding me! I JUST fixed everything and you manage to mess it up COMPLETELY in the first five minutes!!!!!!!!" Amazingly....nothing like that.

If you are looking for an upgrade, I highly recommend her. You can go to her site to see her handy work. Also, she is sponsoring a contest for a free template at www.blogmommas.com.

Check her out! I was certainly pleased!

Alive and Well!

Thursday finally came.....the day I had been dreading.......the day I had been obsessing over for weeks. After JM's testing performance, I was worried as to how he would do on his first day. I was worried how I would do on his first day! At Open House, his teacher tried to calm his fears by asking him, "Do I look like a mean lady?" (Oh....she doesn't know him yet!) To which he responded with a vigorous nodding of his head!

However much to my RELIEF and surprise, he walked down the hall to his class, back pack on his back, candy money in his hands (Can you say bribe?) with a smile on his face. He walked into the room, found his seat, hugged his teacher, and even SMILED for a picture. I left quickly, before he changed his mind........AND....I didn't even cry! You read that right.......no tears from the world's biggest ninny!

Different people around the school kept me informed as to his behavior throughout the day. At the end, he walked into to my room with a smile on his face and showed me his "good note" from his teacher. HALLELUJAH! 1 day down.........179 more to go! I asked him if he made any new friends and he replied, "No. My teacher did not tell me to make friends." I will have to be sure to ask her to include that in her lesson plans from now on! :)

He starts full time on Monday and I pray his good streak continues. Only time will tell!

Of course.....don't go thinking JM has taken a turn completely to the light! In Sunday School his teacher asked if anyone wanted to pray for a specific person. JM enthusiastically raised his hand and asked his entire class to pray for his daddy because he was in jail. Nothing helps a local businessman more than his son spreading rumors about about an incarceration!

Editor's Note: I have tried to publish this twice without adding this......but I wouldn't be the OCD person I am if I didn't feel compelled to share the fact that, indeed, Mr. Mayhem is NOT in jail! That is all.

Albert Einstein he is NOT!

I am not certain if there are words that will adequately describe the scenario around the Mayhem tonight. I have no business sneaking in here to post about this.....but I fear I will forget the particulars if I don't do it now.

We took in a stray dog many months ago. She is a really sweet animal and a good little watchdog. However, she has deemed different parts of my home and the kids' swing set as fair game for her INCESSANT chewing. I kid you not....I could have beat her within an inch of her life when I caught her gnawing on the door frame....THE DOOR FRAME!!!!!!! Of course, this is only after she finished completely ruining one of the posts on the patio. Needless to say....something has to be done about the problem. This led to our purchase of some "bitter" spray. The purpose of the spray is to discourage the dog from chewing.

Junior Mayhem.......because he is a rocket scientist........decided to push down the sprayer on the can. Now....you may be wondering what in the HELL would possess him to walk by and press the sprayer. My answer would simply be, 'Why in the Hades does JM do any of the things he does?" If I knew that......my life would be infinitely simpler!

Does he come and tell us what he has done? No. Does he go and wash the nasty taste out of his mouth with water? No. Mr. Mayhem found him sitting on the side of his bed, slobbering and spitting repeatedly. Imagine the face you make when you taste the nastiest thing imaginable and you will have a good idea of his expression.

I almost lost it ,when during the before supper prayer, he began spitting and pulling at his tongue. The best description I can give is a loud "PFFFFT" sound over and over. He then stuck his tongue into his glass of milk. He just held it there.....not drinking....just praying to GOD the taste would go away.

Before you go calling OCS on me.....we checked the label.....it is not poisonous....not that he ingested much of it, what with all the spitting and slobbering anyway!

So apparently the spray has a number of uses. It works to discourage puppy chewing and curious kindergartener spraying. Who knows? I may spray a protective barrier of the stuff around me when I am trying to get some time to myself. OR...better yet......around the door of the bathroom so I can actually use the facilities ALONE! I wonder if this works to discourage amorous husbands when their wives are not in the mood. Oh...I could go on for days!

Something tells me he won't be doing that again........but you never know with him!

And.....so it Begins

Well.......Junior Mayhem has not even officially begun kindergarten and he is already making a name for himself around my school! Mr. Mayhem brought him on Friday morning to take his kindergarten test. During this test the kids are asked questions to get an idea of what previous knowledge they possess when they begin the year.

I had been drilling him for over a week......hoping against hope that he would actually comply and show them what he knows. Yeah....all that went out the window when the teacher tried to take him to the room to administer the test. A screaming tantrum of epic proportions ensued......ending with the teacher having to forcibly "help" him to the room.

I found out about this lovely show from a volunteer. When I took my students to the restroom, she informed me about his behavior. As you can imagine.......I was thrilled.

His teacher assured me he straightened up when he got into the room and he did fine on the test.

The conversation between myself and JM, about the situation, went something like this:

Queen: "How did you do today during your test?"

JM: "My teacher kept dwagging me to her room and I didn't want to go, but she kept dwagging me anyway!"

Q: (trying to maintain composure) "Did you tell her your address?"

JM: "No.....I was crying."

Q: (face beginning to flush) "Did you tell her your phone number?"

JM: "Nooo....I was crying!"

Q: (balling up fists) "Did you tell her your first, middle, and last name?"

JM: "NOOOOOO...I told you I WAS CRYING!!!!"

Q: (praying he did more than just get dwagged and cry) "Well, what did you talk about?"

JM: "Well.....we talked about treetops and bubbles!"

There you have it.......for all of you who ever wanted to know the extent of kindergarten testing....all you need to do is familiarize your child with treetops and bubbles and they will SOAR to the head of the class!

I fear it is going to be a LONG year!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday is his first official day of school...........we'll see how that goes! (AS IF we don't already have an inkling!!!!!!!!)

Back to the Grind

It finally happened. The day I have been dreading for a few weeks now. I started back to work today. That means it will only be a matter of time before all the running starts again. With both kids playing ball, school, a drama class for The Princess, and a bible study for me I may not be able to dedicate as much time to posting as I have this summer.

I attended a meeting today where the speaker was talking about how much time adults spend talking to their children. According to the study, the average amount of time a father spends talking with his kids is 7 minutes. Oh yes....you read that right.....SEVEN minutes. The average amount of time a mother spends is 11 minutes. That is LESS than 20 minutes! My kids will only be young for a short time and I have GOT to make more time to enjoy it before they don't want to speak to me anymore!

I will certainly keep you posted as to JM's first day of kindergarten (I'm predicting tears from me) and all the nonsense that happens around here. I just won't be able to do it quite as often. (At least in the beginning) Good luck to all those starting school and to all the moms who will finally get their houses back!

It's going to be an interesting year!

BURG ROCKS!

Throughout my time here in the blogosphere (Am I the only one who feels like a complete dork when they use this word?) I have had the privilege of "meeting" many nice people. I have found comfort in their kind comments, emails, phone calls, and even visits. It has truly been a wonderful experience......and this is no exception. I have been reading Burg for quite a while now, minus the time she moved blogs and I thought she was no longer posting. She is a witty woman, with a sense of humor very similar to my own!

I was commenting on her new digs and how I was having some issues with my own site. (READ....I DON'T DO HTML!) She graciously offered to fix my problems and switch me over to the new blogger. Seeing as I had no idea how to help myself, I gratefully accepted her offer. I have no computer skills and had paid to have my site redesigned a while back. But this kind lady stayed up late to switch and fix it........for free!

Check out her site! I am trying to convince her she needs to consider taking this up as a side job. I KNOW there are plenty of people out there, like myself, who want the cute sites but do not possess the ability to get them on their own. Can we say.....spending money? :)

Thank you BURG......you are the WOMAN!

The Queen is a Needy Woman

The Queen is a woman with needs. She is a woman who is prone to fits of temper when her needs are not being met in an expedient manner. She is a woman whose needs trump those of all the other members of the Kingdom of Mayhem(a legend in her own mind...if you will)......she is a woman whose brain is drained from all the before school preparation, so she is stealing a meme from PoshTotty!

I went to Google, placed my name...and the word needs after it ("Queen needs") and was quite amused at the results. So....here without further ado:

The Queen Needs:

1. men.........now YES! And...how about we make them HAWT and scantily clad....just for fun!

2. to assess if financial needs are immediate Oh....they've been assessed.......I NEED some finances ASAP! There is shopping to be done!

3. to start wearing a bra With gravity being the cruel beyotch it is..........the bra is a very necessary evil for me......OH! I started wearing a bra in junior high....THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. some bodyguards Did I mention the legend in my own mind bit? Yeah.....I need some serious protection from my throngs of obsessed fans!

5. to grow up I can't say this is the first time I have heard this........I am thinking I might start acting my age around 40....but considering I have been 29 for the last 6 years....that might take a while!

6. two therapists Seriously? Google, have you been reading my blog? I realize I have some issues....but two therapists? WOW! How about we compromise with one therapist and an ample supply of cocktails?

7. A life WOW.....that was a low blow! Pretty sure that, if after 35 years I haven't found one.....it ISN'T going to happen!!!!!!!!

8. something more to be satisfied HMMMM....how about 25 million dollars, mass quantities of cosmetic surgery, and a sexy cabana boy to bring me drinks with tiny paper umbrellas (ella.....ellla......ellla....GOOD LORD I AM A LOSER) in them. Yep...that's me....out to make a difference and save the world!

9. her bucket Who has my bucket? I want my bucket and I want it NOW! Heads are going to ROLL if I don't get my bucket!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. Gatorade Yeah....to refresh me after all the exercising I have been doing! (NOT) OR...for future refreshment after I start my diet and exercise boot camp TOMORROW! I mean it....if not....I might have to go to work naked...and NOBODY wants that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


That's me.....doing my part to make the world a better place....one giant bit of nonsense at a time!

So....whatcha, whatcha, whatcha want?

(I solemnly swear this is the LAST post where I will quote Beasty Boys and Rhiyanna lyrics!)