More Burning Questions

Due to extreme overload at work, dealing with two kids....one of which is JM...who we all know can be a challenge, and my overall laziness my blog has suffered creatively......of late. This post will be NO exception to the normal load of mediocrity! Because I am a loser and have nothing exciting going on in my life......I give you:

Yet Another Episode of..........

Burning Questions from The Queen

1. Why do I look SO MUCH larger in a picture than I do when I stare at myself in the mirror? (Seriously.......WTF?!)

2. How can my kids sit quietly in the car forEVER (or 20 seconds...whichever comes first) and then HAVE to tell me a LONG story RIGHT when my favorite song comes on the Ipod?

3. Why can I not eat all the junk I love, not exercise, and still look like a supermodel?

4. Why does my husband feel compelled to tell me each and every little thing that he does around the house to help? (Seriously.....it's goes something like this....."I washed clothes today AND I put the dishes in the dishwasher!")

5. Why does said husband think this will impress me and therefore win him some special award?

6. Why can't I be independently wealthy or at least the trophy wife of someone who is independently wealthy?

7. Why can't my five year old son pee ONLY in the toilet? Seriously....I had to spank him for "aiming" to hit the guest towel that hangs on the rod ABOVE the toilet.......I can not begin to tell you how hard he had to work to make this happen. It's like I am the "pee police"....always on the hunt for the cause of the lovely urine smell!

8. Why does my family always assume when they can't find me....that I am in the office on the computer? (I mean......REALLY! I do other stuff too! Sometimes I watch Dancing with the Stars on the DVR.....MULTITASKING......... PEOPLE!)

9. Why do I feel compelled to go to the Christmas section of my favorite stores? It's not even HALLOWEEN people!

10. Why is it that it takes FOREVER to grow out a bad cut.....but NO TIME AT ALL for my roots to begin to show?

That's what this blog is ALL ABOUT....searching for answers to life's toughest questions!

Overheard

Tonight, while working diligently to solve every crisis that affects this country, (also known as me sitting on my arse on the couch) I witnessed an interesting altercation involving Mr. Mayhem, Junior Mayhem (dressed to the nines in his Hulk Smashers, pajama pants, and rain jacket), and our cat, Pepsi.

Pepsi, being the great white hunter that he is (as much as a cat who never leaves the house and is fat can be) had cornered a spider.

The situation went something like this:

MM: "Queen, you need to see this.....Pepsi is getting after a spider!"

Q: "Gross, why would I want to see that? It's like you don't know me at all!"

MM: (ignoring my obvious jab) "It's cool! I think the spider is playing dead."

JM: " I sure hope he gets that DAMN spider!"

Nice. Hope he doesn't preview that little gem tomorrow at school. (You know.....the SCHOOL WHERE I WORK!!!!!)

Good LORD I am a great mother!

Sex Talk Surivivor

Let me shout is from the hilltops for the entire world to hear!

I SURVIVED THE SEX TALK WITH MY 10 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was the day I had been dreading for months.....the day she and I went to a "Body Basics" class for 9-12 year old girls. This was SO not the place for a person with an infantile sense of humor (like myself).

I swear.......when the woman said "short and curly pubic hair".....I almost LOST it!

When the film mentioned a penis becoming erect.....I bit through my tongue.......people...it was KILLING me! Did I mention it said something about sperm being ejected from the tip? I mean.....are you kidding me? (That was the only mention of actual sex.....THANK GOODNESS!)

I felt like I was stuck in a bad "South Park" or "Family Guy" episode and I am not sure how I managed to keep my composure.

I wasn't certain if we would to move from "periods" to sex....until The Princess looked over at me and asked, "Mom, what is a virgin?" (Yeah....pretty much wanted to DIE at that point!)

We made it to the car, and then I opened the floodgates by asking if she had any questions. Needless to say, by the time it was over......we had just about covered it all......I even managed to say penis and vagina without falling over in a fit of giggles!

The WORST question was when she asked, "Do you and Daddy have sex?" ( I am cringing RIGHT now....thinking of it!) I pondered lying or answering, "Only when he doesn't piss Mommy off!"....but I went with a yes...and quickly changed the subject.

It actually went MUCH better than I anticipated...and it is over.....I don't have to worry about it anymore. Well.....at least until I have to stress about her ACTUALLY DOING IT! (AAAAHHHH!)

I am SO glad my second child is a boy. His daddy gets this privilege in a few years! (Then again......knowing his daddy....I may have to oversee that one too!)

Race Relations 101

Hello, and welcome to Race Relations 101. Your professor will be your ever vocal, non stop moving, and forever questioning friend....Junior Mayhem. What can this young boy of 5 know about the complex situation of race relations? Well......it's all very simple....if only you can think like a very literal kindergartner!

JM has become fascinated with skin color. (Can you only imagine where this is going?!)

Therefore he feels compelled to comment (loudly) whenever he notices something different from his norm.

It would seem that he can't quite wrap his mind around the fact that people look different. I give you one of my many experiences with JM's questioning nature......this scene is set in the makeup aisle at our local Wal-Mart:

Queen: "Where can I find my shade of foundation.....hmmm...surely they are not out of pasty white!" (Maybe it was light ivory....but WHATEVER!)

There is a lady putting items on the shelf right next to me.

JM: "Mamma, I wish I had pretty brown skin like that woman right there! Why don't I have brown skin?"

(Cue lady giggling)

Queen: "JM...remember I told you that God makes everybody different." (Oh yeah....I pulled the God card!)

JM: "But I REALLY wanted to have brown skin! Can I ask him if I can get some?"

Queen: Now desperately trying to find cosmetics that will bring out my inner super model....AND doing my typical....maybe if I ignore him he will zip it routine. NOPE...never works! "I don't know....you'll have to take it up with Him!"

Seriously, couldn't he ask me these questions at home? This is the same child that announced that the cashier at Target, "Had a big belly." I just quipped, "So does your mamma.....shut it!"....and then prayed for a speedy exit.

He is equally interested in my Hispanic friend's skin. "It is sort of brown...but not really black."
(Amusing side note: We were in a wedding together and I commented on this sparkly eye shadow she was wearing. It looked beautiful with her olive skin. When I put it on....you could NOT even tell I was wearing it! She STILL teases me about that, to this day!!!)

Did I mention he is the "Master of the Obvious"?

Just today, in the car on the way home from school, he announced:
"Our skin is not white....it is pink. Mamma, look at your hands and tell me you don't see pink skin!"

So.....what is the point of all of this? (Nothing! Haven't you read ANY of my other posts?)

JM is a fan of all races. Whether you have pretty brown skin, pasty white (light ivory.....for goodness sake), sort of brown...but not really black, OR pink skin....the boy has love for you!

If only we could all subscribe to this same philosophy.

Sexual Harassment.....Elementary Edition

Now that I have your attention.......let me share the harrowing story of my encounter this afternoon at school.

But.....first I feel compelled to share a back story with you. It will all make sense in a short time.....or maybe it won't.....but I am going to tell you about it ANYWAY!

I am rather......*ahem* well endowed in the chest region. I say this, not to brag....as they are real and can be prone to the tragic effects of both gravity and childbearing....but to let you know that....even after many years of having said "girls" they are still getting in my way on a regular basis.

There is just no escaping them. If I give a hug....they come along for the ride. If I run up behind someone....they alert the person to my presence before I get there. You get the idea.

Did I mention I am also quite tall? (5'10 to be exact)

Okay....so......tall + big boobs= trouble for my elementary students.

Can you imagine where most of them come up to on me? YEP....you got it.....right at BOOB heighth!

This tall, chestiness led to an unfortunate encounter with a student today.

While walking to recess a young man called my name.

I stopped and turned....right at the EXACT time he chose to speed up and turn to me.

And.....well......... I just about poked one of his eyes out with a boob. ("You'll shoot your eye out!")

My first reaction was to laugh or exclaim, "You could have at least bought me dinner first!" But I somehow managed to contain myself.

We both quickly moved about our business and pretended like the whole ugly scene never occurred.

I am pretty sure he might need a good therapist, or at least a skillful eye doctor later in life!

Most teachers long to be the type of influence that is not soon forgotten by their students.....but I seriously doubt any want to be remembered for this reason!

Seriously.....could this happen to ANYONE besides me!

Countdown to ME Time!

My preacher spoke this morning about "infections of the soul"......how they can be as devastating as an infection that attacks our bodies. These infections can bring on raging bouts of depression, aggression, and other less than ideal acts. This really resonated with me and helped me find even more of that elusive perspective for which I have desperately been searching.

So....either I got the message straight from The Big Guy.....OR I am just gearing up for my annual trip to Canton next week! I am leaving Wednesday afternoon, spending the night away, AND shopping all day Thursday. Seriously......there is very little in life that can't be cured with a little retail therapy!

Mr. Mayhem left today for a three day golf trip....so I am a single mother for the next few days......GOD HELP ME! But...if I can survive that, I have 24 hours that will be ALL about me!

There are not enough words to express how much I need this.

Bring on the GIRLIE time!

Have a great week!