Queen of the Mayhem

That Old, Familiar Feeling

2011-07-10T10:12:00.000-07:00

As moms we share many of the same experiences. From colic to tantrums, first days of school to first heartbreak.......the similarity is there. So I am sure it will not be foreign when I express my ideas about what I am feeling right now.

You know that feeling when you first learn to tread water? It's both exciting and terrifying at the same time? You are, somehow, keeping your head above water...but at any second.....with any false move.......you are going to slip under? Yep....that's where I am.

My daughter is finishing up her last year of middle school and, if I'm completely honest, I HATE this stage! (Yes...I am aware the whole teenage experience is only in the very beginning stages for me....but it did not take me long to figure out I don't like it!) Junior Mayhem has always been a willful child. I know it will benefit him one day.....but right now it is making him a gigantic pain in my ass! He is so sneaky and manipulative at 7.....I am terrified to see how he will be as a teenager. His shenanigans are reaching an all time high and couple that with a healthy dose of social issues and you have a recipe for disaster! With him entering third grade my anxiety level on social adjustments are at an all time high. I find myself saying, "If you do that at school....people will make fun/not want to be your friend/run away in HORROR!" You get the idea.

As for me, I'm coming off a harrowing year at work. Ever have the days when you look at yourself in the mirror and wonder what you are doing with your life? Yep....there were a lot of those. Couple that with the vertigo, migraines, and chronic fatigue and you can see why my life sent me longing for Calgon to take me away. Then there was the lovely two months were, after a harrowing visit with my ENT to discuss test results, I thought I had either MS or ALS. Nothing says fun like thinking you may die a slow, debilitating life while waiting two months to see a neurologist! After a failed visit to one quack of a neurologist and an MRI....I am headed to a new doctor in a few weeks. Maybe he can FIX me......maybe not.

Then....because there's not enough fun going on around here....Mr. Mayhem is unhappy at his work. Mind you, this is the same work that constitutes 80% of our income. It would seem the recession is affecting his business much like it is everything else in this country. So...his company's answer to said problem......raise the sales expectations and rates, and lower certain incentive plans (read: commission and bonuses). So...he mopes around this house about as much as I do these days.

I know things could be worse. I know I'm blessed. But....I can't help but to reluctantly embrace that old, familiar feeling of treading water......and if ONE more thing gets thrown on.....I might just go under!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahead of his Time

2011-06-27T06:08:00.000-07:00

Ever heard the phrase, "In time....that will serve him well?" WELL.....that is the story of Junior Mayhem's life; Oh.....he's unbelievably stubborn?......that will serve him well.........curious to how each and everything works in life? that will serve him well.......marches to the beat of his own drum? You get the idea!

But....I gotta tell ya......I am about ready to get to the time where it starts serving! This is the child that rarely plays a game on the PS3...because she spends all the time readjusting the settings and players on every game. The same child who somehow found out how (and had the audacity) to put a pass code on MY Ipod while I allowed him to play it. The child who has already been busted perusing sites and apps at 7.... at which my almost teenager wouldn't dare look.

Ipod nightmare #1 The Attack of Pandora Radio:
When JM asked to add Pandora to his Itouch....I foolishly thought, "He can only do this with the wi-fi and I can easily keep tabs on what he is listening to....." So I begrudgingly added it to the device. Wouldn't you know his father caught him listening to the Ying Yang Twins station two days later. It would seem that hard core rap has a few (read MOST) words that are inappropriate for the younger listeners. Mr. Mayhem likened the lyrics to that of NWA. Great! I can't WAIT to get that phone call from his teachers next year! (And the award for Mother of the Year goes to......)

Ipod nightmare #2 When a Farting App Goes Terribly Wrong
Please understand that my son approaches me countless times to add apps to his Itouch. While I try to be vigilant in my guard.....sometimes I am busy, distracted, or so annoyed with his insistence that I will type in whatever he hell he wants just for a moment of peace. So, when he approached me for a farting app....I decided to let the boy have his fun. Those of you that know me well.......remember that my infantile humor umbrella covers well into the bathroom humor genre and the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I mean.....what's the harm in an app that revels in poor taste humor and inappropriate gastro-intestinal sounds? Well......the harm comes when some techno-nerd decides it would be a grand idea to add a button that when pressed, utters the word "a*shole" over and over again! JM, being the genius that he is, thought it would be wise to press said button repeatedly while in the presence of his father (AKA Ipod Police). His feeble attempts at feigning ignorance when confronted did little to save him from the long arm of the parental law.

So.....he is technologically far ahead of his time and I......I'm learning the beauty of parental restrictions on an Ipod.

Good times for all involved!

The One Where I Need Some Cheese

2010-09-07T15:54:00.000-07:00

Before I begin....I feel compelled to share that I am blessed beyond measure, in my life. I have seen two families ripped apart by tragedy this year and I am thankful for all that I am given.

However.....this is my blog......the one where I share the ups and downs of everyday life.....and right now....I am looking to vent!

The Tale of a Mean Girl:
The Princess is now a flourishing seventh grader. I have seen her change before my very eyes. She is an amazing kid....if I do say so myself........AND I do! So....what, might you ask......could ever tarnish this American Dream? Why......one pathetic, wanna-be of a mean girl....that's who! I am not sure whom I want to punch more......this little bitch who goes OUT OF HER WAY to make TP's life more difficult OR her pathetic mother who has allowed (AHEM.....encouraged) her to become this way!!! This woman is supposedly a friend of mine...but I am having a more and more difficult time holding my tongue around her....and losing ALL desire to maintain a friendship with her. The girl goes to great lengths to exclude TP and is wildly jealous of any relationship forged that doesn't include her. Oh yes...it's the "I want you to want to be my friend so I can torture you!" scenario and I am f*cking sick of it. She has tried ignoring it, calling the girl out on the stunts, and expanding the friendship circle. I know......I know.......I KNOW...it probably bothers me more....but I can't help myself from wishing some karmic retribution on this little hussy. UGH......I really hate this little bitch........I know she's just a kid.....but she is HORRID!

The Tale of the Problem Child:

God bless Junior Mayhem......he has done his level best since BIRTH to ensure that there is never a dull moment around here. Ever the non-conformist, his experiences with school have been less than ideal. I sat in a meeting at school today where no less than 7 people stared at me as we discussed the reasoning behind his complete and utter inability to do what he is supposed to do. While conducting observations to achieve base line data for behavior modifications, the interventionist observed the teacher having to redirect him as much as SEVEN times in a 30 minute period. Now I am faced with even more dilemmas! Do I medicate him? Do I start the DREADED ball rolling on the ADHD roller coaster? Do I trust that the behavior modifications that are soon to be implemented will work? Do I crack down on him even more than I already do? Do I drink myself into oblivion to help discontinue my constant neurotic questioning of what to do? Do I jump the gun and admit myself into a facility that comes equipped with a padded room?

I never knew I could feel so protective over a child that I have an overwhelming desire to strangle! Cause you know.......I can complain and moan all day long about my kid.....but DON'T let anyone else have the audacity to do so!

So.....yes.....I am a bit stabby these days. AND.....I would like some CHEESE with my whine!

Calgon?

The Argument

2010-08-20T15:06:00.000-07:00

At nearly seven years old, Junior Mayhem is man who knows what he wants and knows EVEN more what he doesn't. The fact that he delights in shunning things most kids his age adore comes as no surprise to myself of the Mr......however.........when he starts throwing out directives that could adversely affect my future.........the blissful, empty nest future that I so long to one day possess.....we have a problem!

"I am NEVER getting married!" the foolish, foolish Junior had the audacity to say to me! Being the loving mother that I am.....I delicately responded, "Well...I hope you don't think you will live with Daddy and I for the rest of your life!" He assured me that this was not his plan and went on to blather about nine kinds of other nonsense.....did I mention the boy talks INCESSANTLY? I tend to tune out...for my own sanity.

It was later that week that he came home speaking about an argument he and A girl had on the playground. A girl is a precious, red headed child that has been in JM's class since kindergarten. For some unforeseen reason she loves her some JM. She wants to sit by him, play with him, and apparently has some long term plans for their relationship. It would seem that JM and A girl had an argument at recess. JM felt compelled to share his non-matrimonial feeling and it was NOT well recieved. A girl informed him that, indeed, he would be getting married.......and she had full intention for it to be to HER!

Poor guy......he actually thinks he has a chance at resisting this sassy, red-headed girlie! And me......I'm planning for my peaceful time.....as we speak!

From the Frazzled Mom Files

2010-08-17T16:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Junior Mayhem,
I've always known you were a unique soul. You've marched to the beat of your own drum since practically birth....and I know....it's going to serve you well......one day. HOWEVER...until that day arrives can you....maybe...... oh......just possibly......do SOMETHING easily? I am not asking for much. How about pick up on just one, maybe two social cues? Or....spend a day at school where you don't say something crazy.....( Do I need to bring up the "My momma says dam*it is a bad word" principal's office, on the THIRD DAY OF SCHOOL......the SAME school at which I am employed......fiasco?) Maybe a day free of conduct marks or trips to the detention table? An afternoon of homework where you actually have all the materials you need would be a lovely touch. You don't remember this...because you've only known the Queen who was beaten down by the weight of child rearing.....but I actually used to be a cool chick. Quit shaking your head....I tell you it's the truth! Just imagine how idyllic our lives could be if I could tell you to do something once....or even twice, I'm feeling generous......and you did it?

In closing, I love you more than my luggage but you are driving me to drink........and that doesn't mix well with the mood altering drugs I am forced to take to maintain a remnant of my sanity. You know...a little self control....the kind that ensures your safety from extreme bodily harm? Yeah......just a little help would be lovely!

Sincerely,
Momma

The Lurid Affair

2010-08-15T06:33:00.001-07:00

For awhile now I have wondered why this blog lost its allure for me. How could something that, at one time, meant so much to me lose the ability to hold my attention. Then....it hit me. I was forced to investigate the cause of all my problems. I was forced to admit my indiscretions. It would seem that I have been cheating on this blog. I found an outlet that was quicker, easier, and much more low-brow, which.....if you know anything about the Queen......is exactly how I roll. YES....I've forged a new relationship with Facebook. To be honest.....it was the pressure of other bloggers that sent me running into the arms of this social network. The ease of the two sentence updates, the immediate response of the other members, and the flashy images of the ridiculous games were just too much to resist. However, something within me always knew I would return to this genre........embrace the opportunity to share even the most mundane details of my life. I've missed the creative outlet, I've missed the friendships I've made along this journey, and I've missed having a place to document all the crazy sh*t my son says! So....acknowledgement is the first step to recovery.....so let's see if I can rekindle the fire I once felt for this place!

Things I Learned While Packing for Vacation

2009-11-27T14:10:00.002-08:00

We leave early tomorrow morning for a weeklong adventure in Disneyworld. While I am terribly excited about this trip, I can honestly say this is the most unprepared I have ever been for a vacation. The everday rat-race existence of our life has deemed it next to impossible to put hardcore planning into this excursion. So....as I began really packing.....TODAY.....I realized a few things about myself, my family, and life in general!

Things I Learned:

1. My kids do not have that many pairs of underwear.
They were uniforms to school each day. The each have 5 sets of uniforms. That puts me washing every weekend. Therefore.........their woeful lack of undergarments did not become apparent until I started packing (TODAY). Nothing like running to Wal-Mart with the rest of humanity on BLACK FRIDAY!!!!!!!!

2. My wardrobe sucks.
This one is self explanatory. I need new clothes. Of course....I need to lose some LBs so said clothes do not have to constructed by Omar the Tentmaker! Well....maybe it is not that bad....but it's time for some action. (Who thinks that is going to happen both on vacation and during the holidays? Yeah......there's always the new year resolution!)

3. I hate tennis shoes.
Since we will be walking 50 bazillion miles over the next week, I am having to center my clothing choices (see #2) around my Adidas shoes. I hate them! They are comfortable....but my size 10 feet look like a set of skis sticking out from the bottom of my legs. Nothing says sexy like a gal with GIGANTIC feet!

4. We are addicted to junk food.
The amount of cr*p we are bringing would feed an entire third world country for a week! This will not help in my quest to keep Omar at bay!

5. The Princess needs better luggage.
The Vera Bradley nonsense I was suckered into buying looks nice...and all....but there is ONE pocket in the whole bag. That is not nearly enough to separate all the nonsense she needs for an entire week on the road.

6. 11 hours in the car with Junior Mayhem scares me.
This is a LOT of time in a CONFINED area with a very active, verbal, and impatient child. Pray for us!

7. Carrying cash freaks me out...completely!
We are bringing an abundance of cash and I can't seem to get the vision of me losing it all out of my mind. Of course, we will have our bank and credit cards too......BUT STILL! This is why I never carry cash!

8. We will probably need alcohol to survive this week.
That is why I packed some.

I am sure we will have a fabulous time. It's our family and my mom attending....so there should never be a dull moment! See you in a little over a week!

An Attitude of Gratitude

2009-11-22T04:57:00.000-08:00

Hey.......remember me? I won't even insult any of our intelligences with false promises of posting more often....but I will say....I've missed my blog.....and the comments.....and the people whose blogs I regularly read. Maybe......just maybe.....I will eke out more time for the blog! We'll see!

I thought I would end my self induced hiatus with a post about Junior Mayhem. He is in first grade this year and his hijinks in the first semester alone could fill this site with posts for months. I will share more of them later, but.....in honor of Thanksgiving....I thought I would share the main things for which JM is thankful. In class they created "Thankful Turkeys" Below is the transcript of JM's thankfulness:

" I am thankful for mi familie my father, my mom, my Me Me, D-Dad, Nana, God, my sister, Jeuses, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Barak Obama, George Bush, Papa"

JM's Papa passed away two years ago. I am not sure what would have bothered him more....the fact that Barack Obama made the list......or that he ranked BEFORE him! LOL!

Oh......and I am just happy to make the list. This boy is ALL ABOUT his daddy and Momma often gets left by the wayside (bitter much?).......but I am not sure if I should feel proud of horrified that I ranked before God and Jesus!

So....when you all sit down to your turkey dinners........keep in mind your need for gratitude to Washington, Lincoln, Obama, and Bush!

Happy Thanksgiving

Six Years of Mayhem.....Junior, That Is!

2009-09-12T03:42:00.000-07:00

It's hard to imagine that.....six years ago...yesterday....we had such a calm, quiet, and serene lifestyle. Being the parents of one, highly compliant daughter, we thought we had this parenting thing down to a science!

Then, six years ago TODAY...everything changed. My precious little man decided to join the world. Little might not be the appropriate term, as he weighed in at 10 lbs 4 oz....and was born a week early!

Though life is not nearly as quiet or peaceful, I could not imagine it any other way!

Happy birthday......JM......I love you more than I can express....and I JUST KNOW this strong personality of yours is going to serve you well, one day.......and when you have kids.....well, then justice will finally be served! LOL!

I thought I would celebrate the big day by sharing the latest in the ongoing JM soap opera that is first grade:

I teach at the school JM attends. This is both a blessing and a curse. On the plus side, it allows me the opportunity to keep tabs on him and his behavior. On the minus side, it forces me to deal with him and his behavior! This conversation went down last week at school:

Teacher: "Queen.....I think Big Cheese (principal.....a good friend of mine) and Medium Cheese ( assistant principal....also a friend of mine) are looking for you."

Me: "This can't be good!"

I see BC and MC striding towards me in the cafeteria...both with very strange expressions on their administrative faces.

BC: "Hey, you got a minute?"

Me: "Maybe........"

BC: " It would seem that your son felt the need to pee on the playground.....during recess."

( At this point both BC and MC bust out into hysterical laughter....as I plotted my impending move to North Dakota.)

You see.......JM has a love for all things outdoor urinating. Around here we refer to it as "adventure tee-teeing". It was a handy tool during potty training and has gotten us out of many a travel, side of the road pee, jam......but now........now it is coming back to haunt me!

Needless to say, he was brought to the principal's office......as many elementary schools frown on the flashing of genitals in public places....GO FIGURE!

BC: " I asked him, what in the world was he thinking?! To which, he looked at me as though I was crazy and said, I had to pee!" ( Cue more laughter!)

Of course, JM got the last laugh as he lost his recesses for the next two days and spent them sitting in the office talking nonstop to both BC and MC!

Oh......and just in case you haven't gotten enough bathroom talk:

One of the first grade teachers stopped me to tell me a funny story about JM this week. It would seem that she had the privilege of bathroom duty. She walks in to take her post, ever vigilant for the poor aimed or purposely aimed pee-er. ( For some reason the little ones have a tendency to pee on each other. Yeah....I don't get it either....boys are gross.....but I digress!)

There stands JM in all his hiney-shining greatness, pants AND underwear around his ankles, peeing in the urinal, AND.....eating fruit snacks!

Eating WHILE peeing!!!!! Yeah...that's sanitary!

Happy birthday you gross, gross, GROSS little man!

Open Letter to Wii Fit

2009-08-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

Dear WF,
I know it has been a while since we last interacted, but there are a few things bothering me....and I fear we will never again be close if I don't get them off my chest.

First of all, my absence has not been totally my fault. I simply cannot be held accountable for the fact that your Mother Machine....the Wii itself......holds an allure that my son simply cannot resist. Finding a time when I can drag him away from Super Smash Brothers is extremely difficult. And....let's be honest here........the precious moments of silence I gain from his infatuation with you are ALMOST worth the extra LBs that I am rocking these days...........ALMOST!

Second of all, I do not appreciate you aging me far beyond my years. Is it my fault I have all the grace of a waddling duck? The audacity of you.....judging me.....simply because I have no balance! Don't even get me started on your smartass little comments! "Do you bump into things when you walk?" Seriously...how is this helpful? For YOUR information I don't bump into things......ALL the time!

Finally, I feel compelled to speak out against your most egregious offense! What in the HADES is the deal with making my Mii look like a beached whale?! Isn't it bad enough that you weigh AND calculate my BMI? Is it necessary to announce to God and CREATION, "Oh...that's overweight!" I know that's overweight.....THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Why else is my fat arse stomping and sweating on you?! While I must admit the password lock feature is a bonus....what is the use when any player can simply turn on the game and check out my Mii.....just chilling....large and in charge! Would it have killed you to make the announcement and leave the poor gal alone? That answer is a resounding NO.......no..it would not hurt....at all! I feel pretty certain you are not marketing yourself for the supermodels....so the big girls would appreciate some respect and consideration!

I am hoping to rekindle our affair. I can't help loving you. You're so compact. You're always happy to see me.....even IF I messed up the time on you and you ALWAYS think it is 4AM when it is 4 in the afternoon. I can accept you.......even with your faults! All I am asking is LEAVE the Mii alone....and nobody gets hurt!!!!!!!!

If you could fix these minor issues, I would be most obliged.

Your chubby pal,

Mayhem Tidbits

2009-08-23T06:05:00.000-07:00

Hello? Is anyone out there? Missed me?

I'm still recovering from "blog rehab".......but I think I may be on the upside of my posting funk.

So much craziness has been happening over the last few months, I thought I would share a few of the snip its I have heard that have both amused and horrified me:

The Princess:

TP entered sixth grade this year. This alone has sent me into a seemingly endless cavern of worry and sadness. However, she is loving her new environment......so.....I suppose......I will survive this major change. This change has come with many unexpected....and some humorous encounters.

1. While at sixth grade open house, I commented to some of the other parents about how strange the experience was. Keep in mind, TP has always gone to the school where I teach. I have had complete control over almost all of her activities from kindergarten to fifth grade. One friend of mine, whose child I had also taught, replied, "Wait........you don't have any control over her schedule.....and you don't really know what's going on? Yeah....welcome to OUR world!" To which I indignantly replied, "I DO NOT LIKE your world.....and would like to kindly return to my own!!!!!"

I am.........GASP.........just a parent..........at this school. What a terrifying new world for me! LOL!

2. While sitting in the car, TP was telling me about something on her cell phone (YES...she has one....the reason why she does.....is the material for another post) and she added, "It's got this and that....YADA, YADA, YADA"

At this point, Mr. Mayhem and I promptly gave each other a WTH? look. While she has seen some Seinfeld episodes with her father......I feel certain we did NOT let her watch that one!

3. I have taken to make her "swear" to certain things before she leaves the house each day. It's kind of a funny way of making the point of my expectations for her behavior choices. It goes something like........"No taking or selling drugs, no alchohol, no stealing cars..........yada, yada, yada.."

One day.....I thought I'd be cute and I threw in......"No kissing boys".......She went...."No kissing........WAIT A MINUTE! I will NOT agree to that one!"

4. Did I mention I kissed my first boy at 12 years old and she will be 11 NEXT MONTH?!?! (Reaches for XANAX)

5. Just so you know.......the deep south is the new valley......as the conversation I had with TP and her friend the other day contained more uses of the word "like" as a speaking pause than the original 1980's movie!!!

Junior Mayhem

JM is rocking first grade and managing to stay (mostly) out of trouble. His teachers tell me his constant urge to share all our family's business (both real and fabricated) is highly entertaining for them!

1. When asked by his teacher of his future career plans, JM replied, "I want to be a golfer man....like my daddy....he is the best golfer man in the world!" (Who knew insurance agent was the new Tiger Woods? You learn something new EVERYDAY!)

2. The other day, in the car, I was highly amused to hear my 5 year old son singing, "Those chickens jacking my style" a' la Black Eyed Peas on the radio. Yeah......we listen to top 40 music.....I'm "Mother of the Year" like that! He's also a huge fan of "Fire burning on the Dance Floor" and feels compelled to remind me that....."Pop it, lock it, drop it....that birthday cake..." is my favorite part....as I mistakenly told him.....after he wore me down with the 500 questions before it.

So.......that line is uttered.....maybe 15 times in the song......and, just like clockwork.....he utters, "Momma......did you hear it? That was your favorite part".......15 F'ing times..... EVERY time we listen to the song!

3. It's difficult being almost six years old, dealing with the enormous stress of first grade, with only an older sister in your life. So much so that JM announced, "I don't have ANY brothers! I need a brother. I need a brother so I can name him Jack AND Jack will not touch any of my stuff." Then he gave me one of those.....YOU make it happen......gazes. Um....in a word......NO!

4. JM's imagination is running wild these days.....and I love being able to catch him playing with his superheros. If he doesn't realize your listening....the dialogue you can hear is hilarious. Last night I heard him talking in his room. I stood outside, trying to catch on to the discussion. Foolishly, I made a warning noise....and he looked over to see me standing there. Aware that I had heard him talking....he quickly deduced a plan to cover his tracks. He looked me dead in the eyes and declared, "I was talking to my mind!"

5. While on the way to my mother's house, JM was busy hatching up a plan to convince us to let him spend the night. He asked, "So.....where am I going to stay tonight?" Wise to the game, I responded, "At your house." Indignant....he gasped, 'Well....that is inappropriate!"

Good times!

A Recipe for Disaster

2009-07-09T05:54:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought you were rid of me forever........after months of silence.......an affair with Facebook that I still can't seem to shake.......and the general business of life.........I'M BAAAAACK!

Of course, I am back to share another story of woe in the kingdom of Mayhem....because I know all the readers that have probably LONG since given up on me LOVE to hear me whine!

We recently returned from a family vacation to the beach. While this sounds exciting enough, what with the sand, sun, and fun, it was actually a RECIPE FOR DISASTER!

Ingredients:
1 set of grandparents
1 family Mayhem
1 sister/brother-in-law equipped with newborn baby
1 mediocre condo
OH.....and the MOST important ingredient of ALL..........one raging case of the stomach flu

Directions:
1. Set all unknowing parties on a doomed pilgrimage to beach. Marinate sister and brother-in-law in stomach flu earlier in the week, but allow them to feel better the day of trip.....just so they can think they have recovered.

2. Throw in a dash of newborn baby......one that never got sick.....but obviously became a carrier of the dreaded bug.

3. Have all 9 participants arrive at beach condo, only to find it less than stellar....with older furniture and SMALL accommodations.

4. Just for good measure, throw in a refrigerator and freezer that quits working.....so the majority of the food they purchase can have a chance to spoil.

5. On the one afternoon that EVERYONE actually feels well, pour in one teaspoon of curious five year old. You know.......the type that sees fit to dial 911 on the phone in the bedroom that you didn't even know was there.

6. Be sure to leave out answering the condo phone as you know no-one would be calling you on it and it is probably just a telemarketer. (It couldn't possibly be the police checking on numerous 911 call/hang ups!)

7. Add a heaping cup of police officer when they show up at the door of said condo to see if there is a problem.

8. Drizzle in an enormous helping of embarrassment as you profusely apologize for keeping him from helping people in REAL trouble! (OPTIONAL: Grate in a small portion of your "Mother of the Year" trophy.....because you sent 5 year old into bedroom, closed door, and told him to entertain himself with toys and TV so you could relax and drink a cocktail.)

9. Next, fold in multiple cases of the stomach flu. Add these in slowly.....so it can last throughout the duration of the trip.

10. If mixture becomes too thick, you can remove 1 set of grandparents who left a day early....so my father could escape the SICK.

11. Finally, sprinkle an inability to see fireworks on the fourth and two upset children about that fact and season to taste.

There you have it..........a recipe for disaster.......AND the worst trip I have ever taken in my life!!!

At least we are all feeling better.....now that we're HOME!

Simply CRAPTASTIC!

2009-05-22T20:25:00.000-07:00

Let me go through the past 24 hours....here in the Mayhem.

1. Last night I started to realize that my left elbow was a little tender. I have a small scratch on it, so I was slightly concerned.....but figured I must have hit it on something and not remembered. (CRAZIER things have happened). By this morning I knew something was really wrong. It was red, swollen, hot to the touch, and getting bigger by the hour. OF COURSE...I couldn't get an appointment at my doctor's office for today, so I went to the Urgent Care Clinic. By then, my elbow was freakishly huge and killing me. Wouldn't you JUST know that I have a staph infection in the joint of my elbow? I got a huge shot, two different meds, and get to go back to the doctor tomorrow. There is actually a pen mark around my elbow...so they can measure tomorrow to see if it has grown. As it stands....she made noises about sending me to the ER! Beginning of summer vacation: FAIL!

2. My kids are with my mom tonight and tomorrow so we can move my MIL into her new house. It is supposed to rain until next Tuesday. We looked like drowned rats after trying to move some stuff tonight. Correction: I looked like a drowned rat with a freakishly large elbow. NICE. Good deed for a family member: FAIL!

3. My mom agreed to take my daughter to a birthday party tonight. It was just down the street from her neighborhood. This was the first party in public I have let her attend without me. My mom was supposed to pick her up at 9:30. She called me at 9:42 to tell me she couldn't find her. SHE COULD NOT FIND MY CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I immediately start frantically calling other parents (you know.....the good ones.....the ones who WENT with their children) in a desperate search. I was hysterical.......my husband was jumping in his truck to head to the place......and I called back to hear my mom had found her. My hands were shaking so violently that I had to give the phone to MM. I then proceeded to shake and cry for the next 20 minutes. If this is a prelude to giving her more freedom.....you can FORGET it!
Parenting: FAIL!

Simply craptastic.

Taking a Bite Out of the Big Apple

2009-05-18T16:14:00.000-07:00

So....it's been a month already? I can't believe I've been gone so long! Actually....if you had any idea of what this past month has been like (oh....and anyone who chases kids around to different activities DOES) you would definitely believe it!

Our trip was amazing! New York City is a fantastically interesting city. Our hotel was beautiful. The food was delicious! The architecture was unbelievable! It was easily one of the best trips I have ever taken!

Four more days of school. 4 MORE DAYS UNTIL FREEDOM! (1 more week of soft and teeball!)

Then....I'll be back with pics and detailed descriptions. See you in a week!

NYC or Bust!

2009-04-19T16:31:00.000-07:00

Mr. Mayhem and I are headed for New York City on Friday. I cannot begin to put into words how excited we are about the trip!

We will be staying at the Waldorf Astoria.

We will have 6 nights without kiddos. I have NEVER been away from my kids for that long!

I am REALLY excited about it!

We need recommendations for restaurants and sites to see!

Did I mention I was excited?

For the Love of Foliage

2009-04-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

The stories about Junior Mayhem abound here. There is never a shortage of crazy things that either escape his mouth, or are performed by him on a daily basis.

So....yesterday should have come as NO surprise to me.

It started out simple enough. I accompanied my VERY PREGNANT sister to the doctor. (We'll be meeting my new nephew next Tuesday.....BTW)

My mother watched the kids while we went to the appointment. Afterwards, we all agreed to go to lunch together.

On the way out of my mother's house, JM found a leaf that struck his fancy. Somehow he managed to get it into the car without any of our knowledge.

It wasn't until we were entering the restaurant that I noticed it in his grubby little hand. I don't need to tell you that convincing (read: THREATENING) him to drop the leaf outside was no small feat.

"Someone is going to take my leaf......they won't know it is mine.....and they will take it home with them!"....he implored.....to no avail.

It was then that I flippantly replied, "Don't worry about that leaf....it's filthy!"

Right then and there.....JM's love affair with "Filthy Leaf" began.

When we were exiting the restaurant, he announced, "I have to find my filthy leaf......I hope nobody took it!"

Surprisingly enough, the instances of filthy leaf theft have been on a decline in this part of town.....so there it laid....in all it's filthy glory....just waiting to be snatched up by one overzealous five year old.

Filthy leaf accompanied us to the movies, where it was given the seat of honor near JM. It accompanied us to the restroom at said movies.......you remember our earlier run in with possible FL thieves. It accompanied us to our home, seated right next to JM....where he could keep a close eye on it....at all times.

The one time I accidentally crunched a small part of FL........was met with less than approval.

It wasn't until JM went to bed that I was forced to send FL to meet its maker.

If only.....poor, pitiful JM had ANY toys to play with.....he wouldn't be forced to play with filthy foliage!

Easter Top Three

2009-04-11T14:52:00.001-07:00

We like to consider ourselves a christian family....here at the chaos that IS the Castle of Mayhem.

We attend church regularly. We all own bibles. (Try to contain your enthusiasm.) We go to Sunday School. We try to remember to pray before we eat our meals.

We are obviously not applying for any sainthood positions, but I thought Mr. Mayhem and I were doing a decent job of raising our kids with a strong faith.

That is....until we had three experiences that led me to believe we are FAR from where we need to be.

SO.....I give you:

The Top Three Reasons I know The Family Mayhem may have some Christianity Issues

1. When we were speaking to The Princess about Easter, she exclaimed, "Easter is on a Sunday? I thought the day changed every year!" Yeah...the DATE changes....but somehow.....Albert Einstein missed the fact that it ALWAYS occurs on a Sunday!

2. While dying Easter eggs last night, Junior Mayhem was going to town writing on his egg with the magic crayon.....you know, the one that does not show up until after the dye is on. We waited with baited breath to see the creative masterpiece that would soon be shared with all of us.......only to see he had written, "Fat Princess" on his egg. It was an obvious show of LOVE for his older sister. (Who is MOST CERTAINLY NOT fat.....I might add!)

3. Finally, Junior Mayhem put the last nail in our coffin when he shared this lovely gem of knowledge. We were discussing why we celebrate Easter. I had already had this discussion with him earlier and was giving him an oral pop quiz of sorts.....My question went like this:

"Jesus died for our sins on the _______________?" To which he replied, "earth?"

I'm pretty sure we'll be getting our own praise show soon.

Happy Easter.

Let us not forget that He died on the EARTH for our sins! :)

We Now Return to Our Regularly Scheduled Whine Fest!

2009-04-07T15:03:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been around as much....of late. My life consists of work, running errands, ball practice, theater practice.........and other nonsense!

Just because I had a craptastic day....I thought I'd share some things that are royally pissing me off...right now....because....that's what I do.

I give you..........the return of.........WHY the *#$@#&&^@%! (insert your favorite profanity here):

WHY THE *&&^%$##%@*(@

1. Can my son not seem to stay off the color red at school? Seriously.......he spit on one of the other students the other day. You know....nothing says good upbringing quite like a large loogy shared with a dear friend!

2. Do we have high stakes testing? My students just finished a test that will determine whether they advance to the next grade and the Einsteins that they are......some felt compelled to answer, "I don't know"....or "TOTAL GUESS" on some constructed response questions. WTF.....people BS their way through LIFE....but nobody admits they are full of nonsense!!!!!!!!!!

3. Can my husband not seem to listen to me when I talk? I have a lot....and I do mean....A LOT of important things to say.....when he unmutes the TV while I am in the middle of speaking...it makes me feel a little stabby!

4. Is Blogher ads sending me messages about not posting? I mean.....really.......it's not like I'm Dooce......I'm not raking in $40K each month in advertising.......let's be real.........I'm not sure I have gotten anything for allowing them to advertise on my blog. So, let me get this straight....you're concerned that you might not get a return on your investment of NOTHING....so you need to temporarily stop the ads on my site? OOOH.......I am concerned I won't be able to make the mortgage this month without the added bonus of the NOTHING I get for you running your ads! I don't need another person reminding of something else I haven't done!!!!! (Seriously......$40K a MONTH? WTH am I doing in the classroom?!?)

5. If my daughter is top of her class........at the top of every standardized test in the state......... WHY, OH WHY....can she not remember the smallest of things I ask her to do? Seriously....is brushing your teeth, washing your face, and SHOWERING without being asked TOO MUCH?! I think not!

See.....it's all puppy dogs and rainbows around here.........missed me?

Helpful Hints from Junior Mayhem

2009-03-16T15:39:00.000-07:00

As most parents know, there is no such thing as "TMI" when it comes to kids.

So, I don't know why I was surprised when JM shared this helpful hint with me.

Today, as we were heading home, I decided to share my intense need to use the facilities with my children.

Yeah....I'm cool like that.

My comments ranged from, "Man! I really need to tee-tee!" to " I very well may have an accident before we make it home!" Classy Lady....your name is Queen.

It was then that JM felt the inclination to share his words of wisdom with me.

"When I need to tee-tee, I just grab onto my pee-pee and hold it." (Yeah...we say pee-pee at the Mayhem....as the word penis would cause me to fall over in fits of hysterical laughter each time I uttered it.)

Undoubtedly, he became annoyed when I did not heed his advice and announced again of my desire to go.

"JUST HOLD YOUR PEE-PEE, I SAID!"

To which I calmly informed him that I was not in possession of aforementioned pee-pee.

He thought for a minute and replied, "Well, just hold your booty then!"

There you go.......problem solved!

Overheard Tidbits

2009-03-04T14:16:00.000-08:00

I've been kicking around a few posts in my mind recently....but have lacked the desire to actually sit down and write them. (Can we say LAZY?)

But I have overheard a few things that I found amusing, so I thought I would share them with you:

1. Not only am I a teacher, but I am the sponsor of a service club at our school. This club has grown very large this year and it is a lot of work to keep it running smoothly. (Did I mention that we ALWAYS win first place.....in the entire parish? No....oh well, never mind then!) Anyway, my students are used to me having to take care of different things and people coming in and out of my room for various needs. One day one of my students asked if I got paid extra for being in charge of this club. I told her that I didn't, but I thought that was a great idea. This morning in the office she was talking to our assistant principal and busts out with, "I told Mrs. Queen she should get paid extra for being in charge of the club. That stuff runs her CRAZY! If you do all this extra work and you don't get paid for it......well, that's just messed up!"

Yeah....that child is getting an A++++ from me! :)

2. Anyone who has read this blog for long, knows that I am easily amused. I have an extremely INFANTILE sense of humor. I choose to blame it on working with kids for so long. Yeah...that's the reason! The other day I was reminding my students that if they read a certain amount of books (we use the AR program) they would win the privilege of wearing pajamas to school.

One of my smartypants little boys asked, "What if we sleep in a t-shirt and underwear? Can we come in that?"

To which I replied, "EWWWWW....never, ever say underwear to me....EVER again!" Of course, because I am so completely hilarious, the class fell out laughing. This got me thinking about underwear. (Scary.....I know!)

Then.....I decided to add in a helpful hint for all my students to use for torture of their fathers. (Don't you wish your child was in my class?) I told them that if they wanted to drive their fathers crazy.....call their underwear, "panties".

After we all composed ourselves, we all vowed never to speak of undergarments again...and moved on to learning.

3. I also temporarily lost my composure when we were having a discussion about some vocabulary words. One of our words was "dolphin" and I was trying to get them to understand the difference between this animal and other fish.

Of course, we discussed how they were mammals, and how they had to breath air......which got me thinking (that always gets me in trouble). I then started giggling to myself, because I was thinking that they breathe through a blowhole. For some reason, this word is funny to me.

Once I explained this to the class, they were DESPERATE to use that word as much as was humanly possible.

*So now the words underwear AND blowhole are banned from my classroom! ( The really sad thing is....I am giggling right now.....just thinking of the word!)

4. While we're on the subject, nothing tops what a friend of mine once did while teaching social studies. She was sharing this amazing lesson on NASA and the kids were so incredibly into it, they hung on her every word. Then, while showing a model of the shuttle, she referred to it as the "Space Shittle". The kids stared at her with their mouths hung open in shock....as she desperately tried to right her wrong. By this time she was so flustered that she said AGAIN. She quickly ended the lesson and her slip up would go on to live in infamy!

Don't even get me started on another friend who, while giving a presentation in front of a room full of professionals in her graduate class, misspoke on the word...."flicker"!

5. Junior Mayhem is a precocious young boy and apt to find himself in trouble on a regular basis. So....he could not have been happier when I accidentally lost one of my balloons while walking them through the parking lot. He spent the next 15 minutes lecturing me on how I should have held them and what I needed to do the next time to ensure no balloons sailed off into the sunset. At the end of my extensive talking to, he felt compelled to add...."Now......if you don't listen to me, I will lose my patience with you!"

Seriously....do you think the boy has heard that a time or twenty?

So...there you have....nonsense as usual! Hope your week is going well!

Murphy's Law

2009-02-25T16:27:00.000-08:00

It would seem that I am living my life in a state of perpetual Murphy's Law. If it can happen, it is going to.....at the most inopportune times! Here are some examples that I have noticed in my everyday existence:

1. It doesn't matter if I have spoken to her 200 times in the past 60 seconds, or I haven't seen her emerge from her room in over an hour......if I start to undress....The Princess is going to barge in my room.

2. Junior Mayhem is going to find himself on red at school the day I feel the LEAST like playing prison warden all night.

3. Both of my kids might be completely silent for 5 minutes, in the car, (YEAH....that really doesn't happen often) but the MINUTE a song I want to hear is on....TP needs to tell me her life story!

4. The volume of my children's playing rises exponentially when either American Idol or Dancing with the Stars is on the television. Usually Mr. Mayhem adds to the fray at just the right time for me to miss something I am really trying to watch. (Thank goodness for DVR!)

5. My husband.....the same one who has had no need of my presence for the entire evening....will need to tell me something DESPERATELY when I am either on the computer or the telephone.

6. That same husband always seems to hover when I am doing the "clothes dance". You know the one......Does this fit? (step, hop, jump)........Does this make my behind look big? (shake, shake, shake).....This will NEVER do! (stomp, stomp, stomp) This is the EXACT time when I desire to be alone MORE than any other (outside of restroom time). Usually....it ends with me screaming, "I need some privacy!" No....it doesn't work....but I feel compelled to say it anyway!

7. Normally, I wake up early out of habit. Don't get me wrong....I don't want to do it....but I have been doing it for SO long....I just naturally awaken. But you can bet.....the one morning I don't have to get up......the one morning I am completely exhausted beyond all recognition......that is going to be the morning MM forgets to unset the alarm!

AND FINALLY.....

8. If JM crawls in bed with us, in the middle of the night, (he is going through a scared phase) he will kick both of us with laser like precision.....RIGHT where the sun don't shine! Nothing riles a sleeper like an unwelcome foot in the area that exists for EXIT ONLY!!!!!! (You try to go back to sleep after being violated like that!!!!!)

So....what's your example of Murphy's Law?

Okay....so Maybe I Obsess........

2009-02-16T17:06:00.000-08:00

My husband loves to joke that I am "perpetually 16". Maybe it's my deep seated love of all things Pop. Maybe it's the fact that I secretly long to wear body glitter. Or maybe it is because I am completely and hopelessly addicted to the Twilight books.

I had not even heard of the series before the hype of the movie began. My sister turned me on to them and I reluctantly agreed to begin. It wasn't long before I was completely engrossed and ALL life as I know.....came to an abrupt halt. It's a special kind of mom that agrees to sacrifice most of the quality time with her children (and sleep) for the love of a fictional vampire.

But.......seriously.........Edward......are you kidding me? I LOVE him!

Not that Mr. Mayhem can really complain. There is little that can compare to the aphrodisiac that is these books. AND don't even get me started about the movie!

Now that I am have finished the entire series for the SECOND time....I have to ask myself.....what now?

Do I return to my normal, pre-Edward life?

Do I go through my days working, taking care of my kids, and staring into the NOT SO amber eyes of my husband? (Actually...his eyes are green and quite lovely.....BUT STILL!!!!)

Did I mention I already pre-ordered the movie......and that Edward is the wallpaper on my computer?

Next thing you know I will be hanging posters of him in my bedroom! ( Who thinks Mr. Mayhem would let that happen?)

Do they have a rehab program for Twilight addicts?

I suppose I will just have to return to my normal life....that is...until November....when the next movie arrives in theaters!

MMMMMMMMM......Edward.......I might consider becoming a "vegetarian" for him!

PS: Yes.....I am well aware that I am a complete loser! :)

Calling In Sick

2009-02-03T07:47:00.000-08:00

Hindsight is 20/20.

I've always despised that statement.

Being the impulsive person I am........I have had to consider this on more than one occasion.

Though....never quite in the way I am NOW!

Remember how every October people start lining up for the flu shot? Yeah....that wasn't us.

I mean....who needs it....right?

Well, apparently.....WE do!

Both The Princess AND Junior Mayhem have the flu.....and it's a doozy!

TP's started over a week ago. (Two weeks ago this Friday.) She was first diagnosed with bronchitis, given a "Z pack", and sent on her way. After the treatment I even let her spend the night with a friend and both of them stayed with my PREGNANT sister.

Then Monday morning WELL before dawn.....JM came crying into my room. I went to pick him up (NO small feat at 52 pounds) and he was burning up. As I passed TP in the hall (up until this moment...she was going to school) I noticed her face was bright red. JM had over 103 degree fever....and TP was just under 102. NICE!

One double pediatrician visit later and we were diagnosed with two raging cases of the flu. Junior Mayhem is taking Tamiflu (He hates the taste.....AND it upsets his stomach....DOUBLE the fun!), but there is nothing they can do for The Princess.

So...here we sit....in quarantine....unable to emerge until AT LEAST Thursday!

Having kids with the flu....SUCKS!

Guess whose going to be first in line come this October?

The Mayhem Kids.....A Dichotomy of Behavior....AKA What Happened to the BOY?

2009-01-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

Any parent of multiple children will quickly tell you that each has his or her own distinct personality.

I had heard many a story like this and had experienced it, firsthand, with my own siblings.

Yet....nothing could quite prepare me for the INCREDIBLE differences between my son and daughter.

Thursday, The Princess received some amazing news (enter bragging mom).....we found out that she was chosen as Student of the Year for her school. I can not even put into words how proud of her and excited I was!

However, while I was preparing my "Mother of the Year" acceptance speech, I gazed at JM's folder.

On the EXACT same day, Junior Mayhem came home on red. This means he moved his pin twice. He was written up for throwing rocks, kicking rocks, (Seriously...what is UP with him and ROCKS?) and stomping his feet at his teacher.

So....I am thinking I better bask in the glow of The Princess's achievements......as my goal for JM is reverting back to keeping him out of the orange jumpsuit! :)

Oh....and in case you are wondering....I blame his father! I NEVER caused trouble in school!

Currently Seeking Therapy

2009-01-08T14:36:00.000-08:00

*******TMI ALERT*******

(BTW.......TMI stands for "Too Much Information" You have been warned!)

Remember all the delicious foods that go alongside the holidays?

Yeah....me too.....I ate them.....seemingly nonstop for nearly a month.

Don't misunderstand....I enjoyed myself..........EVERY. SINGLE. OVERINDULGENT. BITE!

Of course...having ingested vast amounts of holiday goodies left me with some very much unwanted weight.

This weight prompted me to begin a search for a garment. One that might help to shield my excess from the world until I was able to rid myself of it! (Working on that now.) This search led me to Spanx.

I perused the site and made my order. The package arrived, and I was eager to see what was inside. Imagine my surprise when I pulled it out and realized it was crotchless!

Not since my friend and I went into a Frederick's on a dare in college had I beheld anything sans crotch. AND since there was nothing even remotely sexy about this garment, I was intrigued as to why that important area was missing. As I read the tag, I began to realize that this was to aid in the responding to calls of nature. IN FACT....the tag said something along those lines.

This garment was made so that it did not have to be removed when going to the restroom.

Well....I am here to tell YOU.....don't believe the hype......and.......WHATEVER YOU DO........EVEN IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT......DO NOT........I repeat.......DO NOT.......attempt to use the restroom while wearing the garment.......it will NOT end well.

My advice......just let your fat roll show until you get motivated enough to get rid of it. I can ASSURE you.....I will be employing this tactic from now on!

So....I am currently seeking therapy to deal with my new found fears of both restrooms and shaping garments. Will keep you posted on my progress!

Mayhem Christmas 2008

2008-12-29T11:54:00.000-08:00

As the fervor of the Christmas holidays finally starts to dwindle, I have time to reminisce about the highs and lows of our Mayhem Christmas.

We spent Christmas Eve night at my mother's house. All four of us...crowded into one small room. Between The Princess hacking her lungs up all night long, Mr. Mayhem room shaking snoring, and Junior Mayhem sleeping on what sounded like wrapping paper every time he turned over.....no one awoke in a grand mood...... least of all Junior Mayhem. He was in a funk and did not hesitate to let us all know. He even went so far as to announce that he, "did not want or like this present!" You can imagine how proud I was at that moment!

Overall, barring some nasty moods at times, the holiday went relatively smoothly. We ate too much, visited with family and friends, and received more gifts than we could ever use! It was great!

Here are some pics from the day!

It is Darth Vader's evil twin.....Pantsless Darth!

The Princess played her new DS....ALL DAY LONG!

Here TP is reading, "The Jolly Christmas Postman" to JM

Leaving out food for the reindeer

TP and I at a Christmas Tea

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!

One Holy Terror

2008-12-14T15:59:00.000-08:00

So....a tall redhead walks into a church.....she falls in love with the preacher (his message.....PEOPLE....focus) and decides to become a member. Three glorious years pass without so much as a hitch. She makes many friends, becomes active in many different aspects of the church ministries, and continues to learn so much from the gifted minister. It is a beautiful thing! Then....the church secretary decides that this lovely lady and her family would make excellent candidates to do the Advent reading and light candles during the church service......and it all took a sad, sad turn from there.

It all sounded simple enough..........Mr. Mayhem reads the scripture while the kids and I smile, look pretty, and light the candles. Oh....how foolish we were to think that ANYTHING happens easily when Junior Mayhem is involved!

The service starts off and Mr. Mayhem has NO idea what we are supposed to be doing. He doesn't know if we need to sit in a certain place, he doesn't when we are supposed to go up, he doesn't where the lighter is for the candles, he doesn't know which candles we are supposed to light (okay.....I knew this one....but I was in a momentary panic)......he doesn't know JACK SH**! (Did I mention he was in charge of this operation?"

We make it through the opening songs, somehow, with our marriage still in tact and we find some of our answers on the program. It turns out we will be doing our part after the children's choir performs. This is the same choir that JM initially finds himself on the stage with......even though he is NOT in the choir....and has NO idea the songs, nor choreography they will soon exhibit. They brought him there straight from Sunday School. Luckily, my friend sees him and brings him to sit with her before too much damage can be done!

Let me break down the 3 minutes we were on the altar down for you with a blow by blow mistake meter:

Mistake #1: Bringing JM into "adult church" in the first place. Another great selling point of my church is the fact that children attend a different service....and for that hour.....he is somebody else's problem!

Mistake #2: Telling The Princess she can light the candles. She can't work the lighter. (Which is kind of the point....I suppose....of the safety lock.) I figure this out after I watch her struggle for the first 15 seconds. This catches JM's attention too...and so the fun begins.

Mistake #3: Letting TP put her hand by mine so it is like we are lighting the candles together. Cue the noise from JM that goes something like, "I want to light a candle........I want to light a candle.....Please, PLEASE, PLEASE!"

Mistake #4: Picking up JM so he can pretend to help me light a candle. Then he wanted to light the pink candle (that's for the fourth week of Advent) and loudly insisted upon it.

Mistake #5: Staying near the altar while the preacher led a prayer after the reading. Not only did JM not want to bow his head, he attempted to leave the area......and I was forced to do the dreaded mom action of the underarm squeeze (all the while with my head lowered as though I was praying......and I was.....praying that I would not kill my son in front of all these witnesses!!!)

After what seemed like an eternity, Mr. Mayhem finished with the reading and we could head back to the safety of our seats. I whisper to JM (after his tries again, unsuccessfully, to pull away from me) that I will spank him if he does not stop. He takes this to mean I am taking him out to spank him ( I really was just taking back to children's church) and starts to moan, "No....Mama....I don't want a spanking!"

So...I pretty much separated his shoulder as I drug him out of the sanctuary as quickly as possible! ( Okay....maybe it didn't separate....but we did move VERY quickly!)

I am really going to miss that church!

I Wouldn't Have Believed it...if I Hadn't Seen It!!!!!

2008-12-11T11:47:00.001-08:00

There are many sights I am used to beholding, living in the deep south. Capri pants and flip flops nearly year round, pickup trucks, the occasional mullet come to mind.......but NEVER........NEVER EVER did I expect to see what was waiting for me when I awoke this morning.

Actually....when I was rudely jarred from my slumber by a beeping alarm. At 5:30 this morning the annoying beep was accompanied by my ringing cell phone. Oh....and then there was the COMPLETE darkness and frigid house temperature that accompanied the lack of electricity in my house. Our alarm was set and always beeps when the power goes out.....which is ENTIRELY too often if you ask me.....but I digress. Mr. Mayhem sleepily punched in the code as I lumbered through the dark house to find my phone. I answered to hear my mom exclaiming, "Look out your window!"

When I did, I was SHOCKED to see a blanket of SNOW on the ground. SNOW....in the deep, DEEP south? I can't even remember the last time it snowed here and certainly I had NEVER seen it falling like this! In my haste I opened the front door, only to set off the alarm (the one that was not supposed to be working because the power was off....the one my husband had disarmed moments earlier) and scare the holy hades out of my children.

I realize that snow in December is not that surprising for some......but here......it. just. doesn't. happen. MUCH LESS LIKE THIS!

So.....we had ourselves a real, live snow day........a blizzard, if you will! Did I mention the temperature should be in the 70's by Sunday? Yeah....we're all going to be sick!

Enjoy......deep south snow day fun!

This is what my yard looked like...when I was outside....BEFORE THE SUN CAME UP!!

Seriously.....I could not even wrap my mind around what I was seeing!

Junior Mayhem was not all that impressed at first. Oh....and it's not like we are really prepared for this kind of weather down here....either!

This is what my neighbor's house looked like.

Here's what our house looked like...and YES....we are, indeed, the Griswalds!

Here's our backyard and swingset.

The snow was DEEP, people! We just couldn't get over it!!!!!

Can you see the flower trying to bloom on my Camellia bush? Nobody saw this coming!

Getting a little more acclimated to the cold!

Now he's loving life!

Here's our snowman! His arms are curly willow from a flower arrangement in my house, his face is beer bottle caps (CLASSY) and his buttons are charcoal.

Random Notes from a Frazzled Woman

2008-12-02T16:02:00.001-08:00

Okay....so I can't seem to emerge from my blogging funk. I think it is this school year that is kicking my behind.....that, and my kids and husband....OH...and one pain in the arse cat!

I thought I would share a few things that are going down here at the Mayhem. I could probably do an entire post on each....but...if you read before I am kind of in a funk!

1. Remember when I said someone stole my wallet? I went on a tirade about,"giving thanks for people who steal other people's things"? Yeah....well....I had a message on my machine when I got home from school yesterday. My local librarian left a message and said a patron had called and because he found my wallet. She didn't give him any of my information....but she left me his name and number. It would seem he and his grandson found it while riding 4 wheelers. Where did they find it? Well....where ALL wallets are supposed to be.....in the ditch on the side of the highway! You might think this plays perfectly into my "Woe is me....people stole my sh*t" plight...EXCEPT it had everything in it.....even the coins! This caused me to remember that one of the times I was FLYING home to check for my missing wallet I saw what I thought was a big rock hit my windshield. It didn't leave a crack and I was slightly distracted at the time.....so I didn't think of it again. I am supposing THAT was my wallet flying off the top of my SUV! The nice man who found it searched for me for a week. My driver's license had my old address on it...and so he couldn't find me in the large town where I used to live. My last name is VERY common and made it difficult to find me EVEN in the small town I live in now. He finally called the library to get them to contact me. See.....there are good people left in this world! I just sent him a thank you note with a gift card to Barnes and Noble to show my appreciation!

2. The Princess and Junior Mayhem were in my brother's wedding this weekend. There was never a question as to whether TP would perform beautifully under pressure....but JM? That was another story! I told my brother I would rent the tux and bring him to the ceremony...but that was all I could promise. A wise friend advised me to have a treat waiting for him, if he did what he was supposed to do. After walking down the aisle with a PRECIOUS smile on his face he exclaimed (LOUDLY) "Yay! Now can I have my Transformer?" The entire wedding found it most amusing.

3. Speaking of JM....he has been getting in a little more trouble in school lately. I had told him that if he was "on red" (discipline charting thing) again he would get a spanking. Wouldn't you know.....he came home today on red! Knowing the fate that awaited him, he starting making statements like, "I feel like I really want to go to Wal-Mart." "I want to go to my Mimi's house." And my PERSONAL favorite, "Our house is a dangerous place.....people could get in trouble there!"

4. The Princess is racing toward tweenhood faster than I want to admit. How do I know.....check out a recent conversation:

Queen: "Aren't we supposed to come and watch you perform at theater next week?"

TP: "What?"

Q: "Didn't you tell me, RIGHT before I took you to theater (1 1/2 hours AGO) that we were supposed to watch you perform for Christmas?"

TP: "Where would we perform?"

Q: Starting to lose my patience " How am I supposed to know that....didn't you JUST come out of class.....what did they say?"

TP: 'Well, they didn't really mention anything about it.'

Q: " They didn't mention anything about the event that is supposed to happen the next time we come??????!!!!"

TP: " No. It may be the next week."

Q: Turning the music up louder.....(thinking) "I need a cocktail!"

Hope all is well with you. I will be around to visit soon!

12 Years of LOVE

2008-11-24T16:27:00.000-08:00

My yearly tributes to Mr. Mayhem have become a tradition around here. It is one of the few times when I actually am able to utter my true feelings for him without falling into a fit of uncontrollable giggles.

I think I was missing the day they handed out the sentimental (aka "lovey dovey") gene. I can't stand the mushy stuff....and I mean the giving OR receiving it. I don't know why. It makes me HIGHLY uncomfortable! (Wow! Wouldn't a therapist have a field day with that statement?!)

However, I do try to deliver my once yearly lovefest post with as little squirming as possible!

I've decided not to continue adding to each year's previous post, because....if I'm honest....the first one (10 year post) was my favorite and I just want to leave it alone!

But........if I was sentimental........I might write a letter like this one:

Dear Mr. Mayhem,
It is hard to believe we have been married for 12 years! Sometimes it feels as though we have been together for a lifetime, while other times it is like we are newly married. Having you in my life has been a blessing from God and I am thankful for all we have together. Thank you for loving me, supporting me, allowing me to be who I truly am without fear of judgement, and for giving me two of the most beautiful children in the world! I look forward to a lifetime of happiness as you and I face the world together. I love you!

Queen

Yeah....now we can all go and vomit from the overwhelming sweetness of it all! :)

Losing Faith

2008-11-21T13:57:00.001-08:00

One might say that being stuck in a state park with 90 children ages 9 and 10, along with their parents would be difficult enough. That same person might say that, after planning the entire trip, walking the entire mile and a half with a difficult child attached to my hip, AND keeping aforementioned child from having a complete meltdown would be enough punishment for one woman.

But.....that person would be WRONG! On top of my complete and utter exhaustion yesterday, I realized that some lovely slice of humanity had stolen my *&$%#(& (You have NO idea how much I wanted to type the REAL word.....the BAD one!!!!!!!!) wallet. That's right....now I get the luxury of spending my week off getting all the stuff that I am now without due to someone's driving need to take something that WAS NOT THEIRS!

There are no words to express how pissed I am right now. I cancelled my bank and credit cards, but I have to get a new license, insurance cards.....and goodness knows what else I need that was in there.

The only bright point is that there was NO money.......I mean.....NONE in there. I didn't even have $.50 to give my son that morning for candy money!

So...this holiday I will be giving thanks for people who are such complete trash that they feel justified in taking things that don't belong to them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tales from the Ipod

2008-11-18T17:37:00.000-08:00

My loving husband got me an Ipod three years ago. In fact, one of my first posts on this blog was one declaring my undying love for said machine! Even though many better and bigger have come along since....I refuse to get rid of my first and only!

The time has come when my 10 year old daughter has expressed an interest in getting an Ipod. While part of me can't believe she is old enough to want one, the other part is considering giving her my old reliable and upgrading. HMMMMMM

But....then....I have SO many memories with this one. Just yesterday, I caught Junior Mayhem singing "You, you, you are.........womanizer, womanizer, womanizer...." Seriously....from where else could my five year old be spouting the sharp wit of one Britney Spears?

I am in LURVE with the new Pink song, "So What". The only bad thing is....it has a curse word in the song. I had only heard it on the radio and I clicked on the "clean" version on Itunes...but, there it was... she says "sh*t as clear as day at one point. I was a little sad when I realized what she was saying and that I could not play it when my kids were in the car.

One might question why a mother of the year candidate, such as myself, would play any songs by such shady characters........to which I can only respond with a question. Does it make it better if I don't allow them to watch videos? I think yes......indeed, it makes it MUCH better!

There you have it.........out for everyone to see......I got NOTHING people!

I'm considering blog rehab........more details to come!

Where does he come up with this stuff?

2008-11-14T14:44:00.000-08:00

This morning Junior Mayhem noticed a People magazine on the couch. What with all the Obama worship of late, not surprisingly, his picture was on the cover.

Junior Mayhem turned to his daddy and said, "That's Barack Obama." To which MM replied, "Your right, Buddy, it is." JM then decided to add, "Momma said that is a bad word for kids to say."

What? I will admit I am no fan.....but his name a bad word? Not quite!

How interesting it is see to behold how kids decipher the feelings of their parents. The only thing I can possibly think is that he misinterpreted a conversation between myself and The Princess.

She came home on Wednesday saying that some of the kids were calling him "Buttcrack Obama" (Okay.....even if you like him......that is just FUNNY). I told her that "butt" is not a nice word for kids to say and she needed to show him some respect, as he will soon be our president.

No telling what other nonsense he is telling people that I have said. It figures!

Hee-hee.....you say Barack.....I say Buttcrack.....let's call the whole thing off! :)

Tired

2008-11-11T17:45:00.000-08:00

How do you know when you might be multitasking too many things?

How about:
1. you are frantically cleaning the night before out of town guests come (you know....because there has been NO other time to do it the entire week)
2. fussing about how you live in a pigsty
3. sitting on the side of the bathtub in the guest bathroom that WON'T DRAIN
4. observing that the shower liner (you never see) is covered with mildew
5. all the while talking on your cell phone.......WHEN...........you drop said cell phone into the tub of water that will NOT DRAIN
6. Recover submerged cell phone
7. Dry it off....frantically......
8. Utter some profanity
9. Continue conversation with person on other end of the phone
10. WHILE cleaning unimaginable amounts of urine from all vantage points in bathroom

Seriously......something has gotta give! Right?

Oh...and props to Mr. Mayhem who, fearing a complete and total breakdown on my part, ventured out to the store the next day to purchase Drano and a new shower liner.

For Terri and Joe

2008-11-04T16:13:00.000-08:00

Because I am a nervous wreck and simply cannot watch until the majority of the polls close I thought I would share some pics that actually include me.....for once. We recently hosted my MIL's 70th birthday.....which just so happened to fall in October. What better reason for a costume party? We were a family of pirates........my MIL was a witch!

The Family Mayhem

Halloween Cuteness!

2008-11-02T17:46:00.000-08:00

Halloween was great fun.....here at the Mayhem. We enjoyed the company of many of our neighbors and friends during the course of the evening. Trick or treating was great fun.....however.......it wasn't with out its interesting moments.

The Princess had a friend over....and being the "nearly tween" girls they are, they wanted NOTHING to do with us during the night. They were instructed to stay no farther than 2 houses in front of us at all times. The majority of our kids rode on a trailer.....and when that got too far ahead of us, I ran up to catch JM and left the girls in the care of TP's father. (Yeah.....I KNOW....should have known better!)

Before I know it.....both girls are most worked up and informing me that a man had answered the door in his underwear and given them nuts. (BTW......MM....nowhere to be found!!!!) Oh yes...you read that correctly! Needless to say....this warranted a little investigation. Turns out....the two ALBERT EINSTEINS that they are, knocked on a house whose porch was not even lit, disturbing a man who was LITERALLY fresh off the plane from Japan. Not only did he speak almost NO English......he had NO idea what Halloween even was. ( My friend's husband did kindly ask him to put on some pants....but he was wearing boxers, a shirt, and some socks.) He was trying to be polite and find a treat to share with them. You must know he did NOT get the irony of a man in his boxer shorts giving children nuts! Oh......and one might ask why my oh-so-brainy child did not head for the hills when a man answered the door in his boxers! In fact she said, "He took FOREVER to even give us the nuts!" Yeah....she will be RIGHT BESIDE ME the whole time next year! How was your Halloween?

Mr. Mayhem poses with his favorite superhero

The Princess dressed up like a pirate wench.....brain child that she is...she threw the $40 costume I bought her in the wash....BEFORE SHE EVER WORE IT...and it shrunk...thus the addition of the striped tights! Her friend dressed up like an 80's girl....which hit a little close to home...as I think I owned this outfit...ONCE!

I am SO SICK of posing for you WOMAN!

Overheard

2008-10-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

Tonight, while working diligently to solve every crisis that affects this country, (also known as me sitting on my arse on the couch) I witnessed an interesting altercation involving Mr. Mayhem, Junior Mayhem (dressed to the nines in his Hulk Smashers, pajama pants, and rain jacket), and our cat, Pepsi.

Pepsi, being the great white hunter that he is (as much as a cat who never leaves the house and is fat can be) had cornered a spider.

The situation went something like this:

MM: "Queen, you need to see this.....Pepsi is getting after a spider!"

Q: "Gross, why would I want to see that? It's like you don't know me at all!"

MM: (ignoring my obvious jab) "It's cool! I think the spider is playing dead."

JM: " I sure hope he gets that DAMN spider!"

Nice. Hope he doesn't preview that little gem tomorrow at school. (You know.....the SCHOOL WHERE I WORK!!!!!)

Good LORD I am a great mother!

Sex Talk Surivivor

2008-10-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

Let me shout is from the hilltops for the entire world to hear!

I SURVIVED THE SEX TALK WITH MY 10 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was the day I had been dreading for months.....the day she and I went to a "Body Basics" class for 9-12 year old girls. This was SO not the place for a person with an infantile sense of humor (like myself).

I swear.......when the woman said "short and curly pubic hair".....I almost LOST it!

When the film mentioned a penis becoming erect.....I bit through my tongue.......people...it was KILLING me! Did I mention it said something about sperm being ejected from the tip? I mean.....are you kidding me? (That was the only mention of actual sex.....THANK GOODNESS!)

I felt like I was stuck in a bad "South Park" or "Family Guy" episode and I am not sure how I managed to keep my composure.

I wasn't certain if we would to move from "periods" to sex....until The Princess looked over at me and asked, "Mom, what is a virgin?" (Yeah....pretty much wanted to DIE at that point!)

We made it to the car, and then I opened the floodgates by asking if she had any questions. Needless to say, by the time it was over......we had just about covered it all......I even managed to say penis and vagina without falling over in a fit of giggles!

The WORST question was when she asked, "Do you and Daddy have sex?" ( I am cringing RIGHT now....thinking of it!) I pondered lying or answering, "Only when he doesn't piss Mommy off!"....but I went with a yes...and quickly changed the subject.

It actually went MUCH better than I anticipated...and it is over.....I don't have to worry about it anymore. Well.....at least until I have to stress about her ACTUALLY DOING IT! (AAAAHHHH!)

I am SO glad my second child is a boy. His daddy gets this privilege in a few years! (Then again......knowing his daddy....I may have to oversee that one too!)

Race Relations 101

2008-10-13T18:17:00.001-07:00

Hello, and welcome to Race Relations 101. Your professor will be your ever vocal, non stop moving, and forever questioning friend....Junior Mayhem. What can this young boy of 5 know about the complex situation of race relations? Well......it's all very simple....if only you can think like a very literal kindergartner!

JM has become fascinated with skin color. (Can you only imagine where this is going?!)

Therefore he feels compelled to comment (loudly) whenever he notices something different from his norm.

It would seem that he can't quite wrap his mind around the fact that people look different. I give you one of my many experiences with JM's questioning nature......this scene is set in the makeup aisle at our local Wal-Mart:

Queen: "Where can I find my shade of foundation.....hmmm...surely they are not out of pasty white!" (Maybe it was light ivory....but WHATEVER!)

There is a lady putting items on the shelf right next to me.

JM: "Mamma, I wish I had pretty brown skin like that woman right there! Why don't I have brown skin?"

(Cue lady giggling)

Queen: "JM...remember I told you that God makes everybody different." (Oh yeah....I pulled the God card!)

JM: "But I REALLY wanted to have brown skin! Can I ask him if I can get some?"

Queen: Now desperately trying to find cosmetics that will bring out my inner super model....AND doing my typical....maybe if I ignore him he will zip it routine. NOPE...never works! "I don't know....you'll have to take it up with Him!"

Seriously, couldn't he ask me these questions at home? This is the same child that announced that the cashier at Target, "Had a big belly." I just quipped, "So does your mamma.....shut it!"....and then prayed for a speedy exit.

He is equally interested in my Hispanic friend's skin. "It is sort of brown...but not really black."
(Amusing side note: We were in a wedding together and I commented on this sparkly eye shadow she was wearing. It looked beautiful with her olive skin. When I put it on....you could NOT even tell I was wearing it! She STILL teases me about that, to this day!!!)

Did I mention he is the "Master of the Obvious"?

Just today, in the car on the way home from school, he announced:
"Our skin is not white....it is pink. Mamma, look at your hands and tell me you don't see pink skin!"

So.....what is the point of all of this? (Nothing! Haven't you read ANY of my other posts?)

JM is a fan of all races. Whether you have pretty brown skin, pasty white (light ivory.....for goodness sake), sort of brown...but not really black, OR pink skin....the boy has love for you!

If only we could all subscribe to this same philosophy.

Sexual Harassment.....Elementary Edition

2008-10-06T14:07:00.000-07:00

Now that I have your attention.......let me share the harrowing story of my encounter this afternoon at school.

But.....first I feel compelled to share a back story with you. It will all make sense in a short time.....or maybe it won't.....but I am going to tell you about it ANYWAY!

I am rather......*ahem* well endowed in the chest region. I say this, not to brag....as they are real and can be prone to the tragic effects of both gravity and childbearing....but to let you know that....even after many years of having said "girls" they are still getting in my way on a regular basis.

There is just no escaping them. If I give a hug....they come along for the ride. If I run up behind someone....they alert the person to my presence before I get there. You get the idea.

Did I mention I am also quite tall? (5'10 to be exact)

Okay....so......tall + big boobs= trouble for my elementary students.

Can you imagine where most of them come up to on me? YEP....you got it.....right at BOOB heighth!

This tall, chestiness led to an unfortunate encounter with a student today.

While walking to recess a young man called my name.

I stopped and turned....right at the EXACT time he chose to speed up and turn to me.

And.....well......... I just about poked one of his eyes out with a boob. ("You'll shoot your eye out!")

My first reaction was to laugh or exclaim, "You could have at least bought me dinner first!" But I somehow managed to contain myself.

We both quickly moved about our business and pretended like the whole ugly scene never occurred.

I am pretty sure he might need a good therapist, or at least a skillful eye doctor later in life!

Most teachers long to be the type of influence that is not soon forgotten by their students.....but I seriously doubt any want to be remembered for this reason!

Seriously.....could this happen to ANYONE besides me!

Countdown to ME Time!

2008-10-05T16:18:00.000-07:00

My preacher spoke this morning about "infections of the soul"......how they can be as devastating as an infection that attacks our bodies. These infections can bring on raging bouts of depression, aggression, and other less than ideal acts. This really resonated with me and helped me find even more of that elusive perspective for which I have desperately been searching.

So....either I got the message straight from The Big Guy.....OR I am just gearing up for my annual trip to Canton next week! I am leaving Wednesday afternoon, spending the night away, AND shopping all day Thursday. Seriously......there is very little in life that can't be cured with a little retail therapy!

Mr. Mayhem left today for a three day golf trip....so I am a single mother for the next few days......GOD HELP ME! But...if I can survive that, I have 24 hours that will be ALL about me!

There are not enough words to express how much I need this.

Bring on the GIRLIE time!

Have a great week!

A Bad Sign

2008-09-28T17:00:00.000-07:00

Nobody ever said being a mother was easy.

I suppose nothing that is worthwhile is.

I often feel as though I am treading water.....my head JUST above the top.....and if ONE more thing is added, or goes wrong....I will drown.

I am tired of treading water.

Is it a bad sign that you are so hyper-stressed, agitated, and neurotic that a friend slips you a Xanax and INSISTS you take it?

What if this all took place at a theater where you and your daughter were set to watch High School Musical (the stage show)?

What if the thing that had you so worked up was that the people in the row in front of you (PEOPLE YOU DID NOT EVEN KNOW) had people sitting in their seats?

I am currently in search of a rehab clinic that specializes in neurotic, anxiety-ridden mommas who are simply wired too tightly to function properly in regular society......but does not discourage the occasional cocktail.

Or.....maybe I could recapture a little perspective......perspective would be nice.

Editor's Note: Feeling much better today........daughter became ill and I was forced to leave work. She slept all afternoon and I caught up on all (most) of the stuff I needed to do......without having to feel guilty about missing work! We'll close this whinefest for the time being! Thanks!

**Found my perspective......here.

Again with the Mother of the Year?!

2008-09-25T17:52:00.000-07:00

My deep rooted love for all things Ipod has been well documented here. I simply cannot listen to the radio anymore....what with all the inane talking....and my inability to change the song (or listen to it again) at my whim....is simply too much to accept!

I do make an effort to censor what my kids listen to....for the most part...but I am such a fan of 80's music....and I really felt like most of it was mundane enough.

However....the other night.....while "Rock and Roll Guy" was singing a little ditty on his trusty guitar at my neighbor's house....I was a little shocked and appalled to hear his lyrics.

They went something like this:

" My love runs cold.....(CLAP, CLAP...oh and YES...he clapped)......My memory has just been sold....my angel is a centerfold....ANGEL IS A CENTERFOLD!"

It was a very proud moment for me. One can only hope he will refrain from singing this Playboy lovin' song at school. You know, the school.....WHERE I WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't be sad.......we can't all be as wonderful a parent as I am!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sleepover Pics

2008-09-23T15:57:00.000-07:00

Here are some pictures fron The Princess's Sleepover.

"The Crime Scene"

Have you ever seen such giggly dead people?

See....she is more dedicated to her art!

When all else fails....cover your laughing face with lots of hair!

Sadly...The Princess would not live to see her real 10th birthday!

The Princess is ready for some cake smashing! (Before)

(During)

(After)

Yet another cake victim. Did I mention I had another can of frosting?

Sleepover Survivor

2008-09-20T13:49:00.000-07:00

The girls are gone, my house is slowly returning to normal, and The Princess is happily playing with her new gifts......I have officially survived the sleepover!

For the most part.......it went very smoothly. I laid very strict ground rules at the beginning of the party.......most of which centered around cell phones. I mean......really.....cell phones? These are FIFTH graders! 6 out of the 10 girls had cell phones. Phones I made them leave on the bar and use only with my permission. I told them they were free to call or text their parents at any time....but anything else was off limits! I knew this day would come......but not when my daughter was turning 10!!!!!!!!! Did I mention that these girls had really NICE cell phones? Two of them had the SAME phone I do! One of them had a Blackberry......WTF? A blackberry.....at 10?! I really worried that my daughter was spoiled (she is) until I saw these girls....REALLY!

Another rule was about fighting. I told them that any drama would earn them a ticket home. All of them have had me as a teacher and they are well aware that I mean what I say. Luckily for me, the only drama erupted after I went to bed and had solved itself before I awoke.

The biggest hit of the party was the tradition of smashing their faces into the cake. I specifically bake a cake for this purpose each year. They were so into it, I had to re -frost the top of the cake so all of them had some to get on their faces! It was a HUGE mess......but lots of fun!

Later they got into the makeup. But....instead of making themselves up to be beauty queens...they all looked like frightening monsters. JM went out in his Spiderman mask, gloves, with a Batman sword and entered the house to tell me, " I killed them all dead!" I went out to see them sprawled all over the back yard like a crime scene. It was quite amusing. ( They were laying across swings, halfway down the slide, on the lawn....good stuff! I told them I have never seen dead people giggle so much!) I have LOTS of photographic evidence that I plan to blackmail them with on a later date.

Mr. Mayhem and I went into our bedroom at 10:00. At 11:30, I made them turn the light off in the living room. At 1:30...I was a little less nice about the need for them to quiet down and at 2:30....they finally gave up the fight and went to sleep!

While they were all very good....I have never been so happy to see people in my life as I was to see their parents at 10:00 this morning!

All done....until next year!

I am Not Prepared!

2008-09-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

September is always a hectic month, here at the Mayhem. Being the great planner that I am....I had my kids 11 days apart. Mind you, 5 years and 11 days....but I digress!

I often look at this month with a mixture of excitement, horror, and melancholy. This year was no exception. In a year full of big changes, my baby turned five, started kindergarten, AND is managing to act pretty reasonably at school. (Those of you who have been reading for any length of time know this is a miraculous turn around from last year!) As if all of that was not traumatic enough, my daughter is turning 10. DOUBLE DIGITS!

Being the wily child that she is, she caught me in a weak moment (I fear I might have been smoking crack) and I agreed to let her invite 8 girls to a sleepover. It seemed like only a distant fantasy when we first discussed it. But now.....as the day looms over my head (it's Friday)...I am rethinking my decision. Not enough to cancel it......of course......just experiencing a slight amount of dread!

Can you even wrap your mind around the amount of drama that will ensue when the hormones of 9 girls collide?

Will I get ANY sleep on Friday?

Will I be able to refrain from invoking physical harm on other people's children?

Will the girls squeal again when JM decides to tee-tee in front of them? ( That was a high point last year)

Will my house EVER be the same again?

Am I justified to threaten my husband with divorce if he attempts to escape to our neighbor's house?

Can I escape to my neighbor's house?

Is it too late to run away and join the circus?

How wrong is it to drink a cocktail in front of my daughter's young guests? What about 10? (OH....settle down! We both know that is not going to happen.......probably!)

Okay....you get the idea. It should be interesting. Say a special prayer for me while you are enjoying a relaxing Friday night.....for I fear there will be NONE of that going on at the Mayhem!

Attack of the SuperHeroes

2008-09-15T15:36:00.000-07:00

Junior Mayhem had his firth birthday this weekend. At his party, he got some really cool superhero gear. Since we have no lives....we all had some fun playing with it......ENJOY!

Mr. Mayhem couldn't resist sporting the Hulk mask. It is really cool and kind of creepy all at the same time. You might not be able to tell...but the eyes glow green.

Here is the Little Hulk all decked out with his mask and "Hulk Smashes" (as he called them). When you slap them together, they roar and say..."You are making me angry....you won't like me angry!" How appropriate for my little monster!

The Hulk and Daddy battle. Daddy only has a Batman sword to protect himself!

The Hulk and Batman stop their epic battle...only long enough to pose for a picture. You may be wondering why JM is not wearing a shirt......good question! Whenever he takes his shirt off...he is a "Punching Guy". Yeah....no clue.....none...whatsoever!

And....so....the battle truly begins!

It would seem that Batman reigns victorious over this battle!

I'm a Slacker

2008-09-13T13:15:00.000-07:00

What with school starting, JM's kindergarten run, and the hurricanes, I have been truly slacking on a few things I needed to recognize here at the Mayhem!

I wish I could say it will get better....but I am really trying to limit my lying to important things! :)

Some WONDERFUL people have bestowed little ole me with some serious bloggy love and.....even though it is coming as SLOW as molasses.....I really wanted to share my appreciation with them and all of you!

First of all Carrie was kind of enough to invite me to her dinner party. I was having a terrible week and I cannot tell you how much this helped to lighten my mood. I love this gal....not just because she seems like someone I could have SO much fun with....but the way she writes about her family....you can just TELL how much she loves them. I might not share the same political views as this spunky redhead.....but I KNOW we will get along when we meet. That's right....I said WHEN......she invited me to a party after all! If you have not read this lady before....you are missing out....go there......NOW! :)

Second of all, Goteeman gave me the "I Heart Your Blog Award". I am constantly amazed at how funny and upbeat he is. Having faced a lot of challenges in his life, you might expect him to whine, vent, or throw a temper tantrum....you know, things I would do...but instead, he is funny, witty, and extremely uplifting. A man of great faith......I am so glad he found his way to my blog.

Third of all, Mammarazzi gave me a "Bloggy Goodness Award". I just love to read her stories about her life and her sweet daughter J. Seriously....this woman goes the extra mile when it comes to this girl! If you don't believe me....check out the posts on her daughter's last birthday. She is very kind, always has nice things to say, and has a keen sense of humor!

Fourth of all, ( I TOLD you I was a slacker!) Cali Girl Momma gave me the "You Make Me Smile Award". This sassy mother of two sounds like a really cool chick! She is not afraid to share her ups and downs of motherhood....something I particularly like....as we all know I am NOT the candidate for "Mother of the Year". I truly enjoy reading her posts!

It is so nice to have your musings received well by others. I cannot begin to explain what I have gotten from posting. These people are just a few of the MANY awesome bloggers I read!

All of these bloggers are fantastic......STOP reading here and go check them out! :)

Back To Normal?

2008-09-10T18:39:00.000-07:00

Things are slowly improving around here......and we are cautiously optimistic about Ike leaving us alone.

I hate that it is headed towards Texas, as I have many dear friends there. Wouldn't be nice if we could just fast forward through hurricane season?

We are back in school.....LSU is playing in Tiger Stadium....really, what more could you ask for? (Except maybe power for the thousands that still lack it....and help for those who lost SO much thanks to Gustav....OR maybe a feeling that the rest of the country cared about our plight!)

With the normal, usually comes the nonsense around here. I am a firm believer in sticking to what you are good at...and trust me, I EXCEL in the ridiculous. It is my comfort zone....my life!

However, of late there has been something bothering me and feel compelled to share it with all of you....(cue the crickets).......dare I say it....the Queen is about to share an opinion about politics.

I am a lifelong Republican. While I am conservative, I do believe my beliefs fall slightly closer to a moderate point of view.

I never like Hilary Clinton. I found her abrasive and robotic from the beginning.

I think Barack Obama is quite charismatic....but not qualified to lead our nation.

I think John McCain's choice of Sarah Palin for a VP was genius. That's right....GENIUS!

I don't mind people expressing their opinions (even passionately) about people who choose to run for public office. I think that if you decide to do so...you open yourself up for public scrutiny. I get that.

But the personal attacks on this woman........are you kidding me? And DON'T get me STARTED on the working mother BS!

(Yep....that hit a nerve...prepare for rant)

I am sick and tired of women having to explain why and how they can be both mothers and have a job outside of the home. Don't get me wrong.....I have all the respect in the world for women who choose to stay home. I know well, from summers at home with my kids, that these women work extremely hard...every day.

So...why are working mothers not given the same respect? Believe it or not...I possess the ability to both perform my job to the best of my abilities AND cultivate my children's social, emotional, and even spiritual well being. Working does not make me any less of a mother. THAT'S RIGHT.........I went there!!!!!!!!!!!

I can do all of this, not because I am Wonder woman, but because I know where my priorities are. My children will always come first........but there is no reason why I cannot have a career as well.

Personally, I am sick and tired of feeling like I need to justify WHY I work!!!!

(Reminding myself it is not all about me.....) Oh....and I would imagine this is how Sarah Palin feels, as well!

Oh...and as I tell my kids.......if you don't know what I am talking about....then I'm not talking to you!

Injury....Meet Your New Friend Insult!

2008-09-07T11:23:00.001-07:00

Because I feel compelled to speak for the entire gulf coast, I have to say that hurricane season bites the big one. I mean, really, months and months of doing little more than waiting to see what ridiculously named storm will descend upon is not my idea of a good time! Now, I know what you're thinking....why expose myself to these conditions.....why not move?!

I love the deep south and could not see myself living anywhere else. Where else can you see professionals, rednecks, and overzealous sports fanatics all in one place?

But....really....this latest development is more than my neurotic mind can handle! We are not even recovered from Gustav.....and NO we did not dodge a bullet in my neck of the woods. The bullet came through like a freight train and left destruction as far as the eye could see! And...now....Ike? I mean....are you kidding me? We are not even back in school yet.....will we get any days in before Ike runs us out again? Can you imagine what the storm will do with the UNIMAGINABLE amount of debris we have not had time to clean yet? Do you realize that many people still have large trees laying on top of...and inside of...their houses?

The grocery stores and gas stations aren't even all open yet! How can we stock up for Ike when we can't even restock what we lost in Gustav?

I am not sure I have even cooled back down from the last time I lost electricity and WHO KNOWS how long it will be out if Ike hits us!

I need to lose the 5 pounds I gained stress eating during the last hurricane.

I like hot water.

I don't like entertaining my children with no power.

Ike, you are not welcome here. There is no need to add insult to injury and ravage our communities....really, Gustav did a good enough job of that!

I am so over hurricane season!

The Many Shades of Junior Mayhem

2008-09-05T06:00:00.000-07:00

It's difficult being a young man, staring down 5 years old, in today's society. To cope with the stress of everyday life, JM has created certain "alter egos" to get him through the tough times. What with all the playing, Disney channel watching, eating, and sleeping......it's just a lot for one kid to bear!

Without further ado, I thought I would introduce you to a few of the many shades of Junior Mayhem:

1. "Dendis"
Dendis is the effeminate character who can often be seen wearing rubber boots, a pink boa(stolen from his sister's room), the go-to pajama shorts (Speed Racer), and a pair of red heart shaped sun glasses (also stolen from The Princess). As Dendis is quite the diva....he will not answer to ANY name but this one.....and DON'T make the mistake of calling him Dennis...there is a D in there PEOPLE! Oh, I forgot to add that Dendis always speaks of himself in the third person. "Dendis is really thirsty and wants a Caprisun." I might mention that Dendis is Mr. Mayhem's least favorite personality and I am pretty sure the boa and sunglasses met with an untimely death at his hands!

2. "Boto"
Boto is a dog. He runs around my house barking and growling very loudly. He can be very aggressive and refuses to use the potty because "dogs don't use the POTTY!" He often tortures his sister by crawling into her room and refusing to leave. (Of course....most of his personalities do that!) Boto once threw a FIT when he was told that he had to sit at the table to eat with his family and could not eat out of a bowl. I gave pause to wadding up a newspaper and popping him on the nose.....but thought better of it. We are currently shopping for a shock collar to properly train Boto in appropriate behavior!

3. "Mr. M"
Mr. M is modeled after our next door neighbor. JM is obsessed with him. He tells anyone who will listen about how Mr. M is his best friend. Anytime JM is talking on his "cell phone" (Oh yes......it's an old one of mine and he uses it like a pro.....even once commanding me to "turn down the radio" because he could not hear) it is always to Mr. M. Each morning he informs me that he wants his hair to look like Mr. M's. From time to time he insists on being called M!

4. "Rock and Roll Boy"
This hard core rocker can work a pink fuzzy guitar like nobody's business. His concerts are usually held on "stage" in the living room. The stage being the top of the coffee table....do you see why I can't have nice things? Today's concert included a rousing addition of Humpty Dumpty (imagine Steven Tyler rocking out to this hit) and my personal favorite, "Little Jack Corner". The lyrics went something like this (in his best rock and roll voice)" Little Jack Corner.....strum, strum, strum......sat in a corner........eeeeeeeeating his Christmas pie........he stuck in his fumb (insert visual aid here)......and pulled out a flum.......strum, strum, strum.....and said WHAT A GOOD BOY AM I!" The encore included " Oh....yeah....I am SUCH a good boy.....I love to find flums!"

A little later he tired of singing covers and moved on to an original piece. I wanted to share a sample of this yet, untitled masterpiece:
"Oh yeah, I'm the best! I am stronger than you. Who has ears? Does anyone have ears like me? Do you know-ow-ow who has ears like me? Oh...yeah, I am a big, brown boy!" (Ahem....note to JM.....you are pasty like your mama......you will never be brown....accept it! I think this last lyric has to do with the book, Guess How Much I Love You that his daddy has been reading to him. It has Big Nut Brown Hare and Little Nut Brown hare. He is obsessed with it.)

Rock and Roll Boy asked his mama to join in for a one time performance, but quickly booted her off the stage when she insisted on singing, "Humpty Dumpty is a big, fat egg!" Artists are so particular about their music!

Never a dull moment around here!

Still Here!

2008-09-04T05:53:00.000-07:00

After staring down the WORST hurricane to hit the BR area......EVER....I am relieved to say that all is well at the Castle of Mayhem. We escaped any major damage and......(DRUM ROLL PLEASE) we got our electricity back on last night. We even broke curfew to speed over here! The entire southern part of the state is on lock down due to the overwhelming lack of power everywhere! I must add that I am very surprised that the devastation here is not getting much attention on the national news. (I could be wrong......I haven't watched a lot of tv in a many days....but the news around here is reporting that) Don't get me wrong....I am THRILLED that New Orleans did not suffer as much as predicted...but there are a LOT of people here who ARE.....some may not get their power back for WEEKS! (And....don't even get me started on Ike making a bee line for the gulf!)

I cannot begin to tell you how much your kind words meant to me. I am continually awed by the wonderful concern of virtual strangers.....it really made me feel better!

In typical Queen style, I thought I would share a few thoughts about my experience, list style:

1. Bobby Jindal kicks arse. This man had more accomplished in one day to help the victims of the storm than that idiot,Blanco, did the entire time after Katrina. He is intelligent, articulate, and ORGANIZED. I heart him! I truly believe this man will be president one day....and he will DEFINITELY have my vote!

2. Losing electricity sucks beyond all comprehension. Losing it while entertaining 2 kids (one of which is JM), one dog, one cat, and one mother-in-law is too horrific to even discuss! Can we say heat and humidity are evil?

3. Eating panic bought supply foods will make you fat......VERY fat! Either that or the mass quantities of alcohol needed to survive #2!

4. Being hot makes me very grouchy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5. Seeing the lines for food and gas around here makes me wonder if this is what a third world country is like. Then I get over myself and realize that, in the third world country, they don't even have the goods to stand in line for! ( My friend was in line for 4 hours to get gas for her generator.)

6. I will own a generator and a window air unit. I do NOT care about the cost.....I will sell my youngest child if I need to! If nothing else.......this oppressive heat has taught me that! (Oh.....and it will be a nice one....none of this only running fans nonsense!!!!)

7. I threw out everything in my freezer and my refrigerator HOURS before my power came back on! Now......most of it was ruined anyway.......but I am SURE some of it could have been salvaged! Darn me and my obsessive ways......but the kitchen and garage (where my freezer is) was beginning to stink! Oh well.....just another reason to shop.....once there are stores open...I mean!

8. We are blessed beyond comprehension. We had no damage, only lost power for three days and none of my family was injured. (My parents and sister have significant damage....but nobody was hurt!)

So......we are safe and sound.......finally cool again.....able to watch our beloved cable tv......snuggled in with my sister and BIL, their two dogs and my entire family! We are lucky......we are happy.....we can finally relax!

Now.......if only Ike and Josephine will stay the H*LL away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(PLEASE DON'T) Rock Me Like a Hurricane

2008-08-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

Like every other deep south resident, we are loaded down with extra supplies and preparing to hunker down as Gustav continues to strengthen in the gulf.

It does not go unnoticed that it is happening right around the three year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. That experience ended my blissful ignorance of the devastation of these storms. Before Katrina, my dealings with hurricanes had been mild. A lot of wind and rain, a little inconvenience at the stores and pumps......but that was about it.

Don't get me wrong.......we were the lucky ones. We sustained only medium damages and our roof was completely replaced within a month and a half. Even more fortuitous for us....our insurance paid for it all!

However, the lack of necessities were severe and I have become much more of a hoarder as a result. As you can imagine, our store shelves are bare when it comes to bread, water, batteries, and ice. We have a stockpile of junk food that could feed the entire town in which I live. ( After all....if I am going to be trapped in a house with no electricity for GOD knows how long....I need SOMETHING to take the edge off!!!!!) Our necessities will be taken care of. We DON'T have a generator....but filled an extra can of propane...so we can cook all the food in the freezer, if need be.

We're as prepared as we possibly can be..........but it doesn't look good with Gustav.......and the memory of the devastation in New Orleans is still etched into my memory. I could tell you story after story of families who lost everything....and then were robbed of their last ounce of dignity by the insurance companies.....it was just tragic. I sincerely hope that this will not be the case this time.

Please pray for all the residents of the gulf coast....as this may be a difficult week ahead!

Seriously........Who Does This?

2008-08-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought Junior Mayhem hit rock bottom by announcing to his entire Sunday School class that his dad was in jail........he pulls this little number:

Queen: "JM, come in the kitchen.....the sitter just walked into the house."

JM: " I'm coming......I just need to blah-blah-blah" (inaudible...and if I had known what was coming....I would have left it that way!)

Queen: "What did you say?"

JM: " I said I am just trying to get the poo-poo off my sheet."

It would seem that he had some excess waste and determined it would be wise to remove said stain by wiping his ass on his comforter!

Then....he gave pause to this idea (possibly envisioning the physical violence that was soon to head his direction) and decided to try and remove the evidence using some toilet paper.

This will go down in history as one of my proudest moments in motherhood. Life is great people......LIFE IS GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Calgon?

Hanging In There.......Sort Of!

2008-08-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

We are now in the latter half of our second full week at school.....and PEOPLE (prepare yourself for a little whining) I am TIRED! I know the beginning of school is rough. I know these kids have been living the life of leisure for two months. To tell the truth...so have I, and I am STRUGGLING to get back in the swing of things!

I have some new challenges this year......and this neurotic Queen does not take to change! It is a day to day process as to whether I will, indeed, survive until May. Yesterday it was a resounding YES.....today, not so much! (Wow! This did not sound nearly as whiny when I thought it up in my head!)

The Princess is shining in fifth grade. She is loving every minute of it. School is definitely her thing. Junior Mayhem is doing decently well in kindergarten. He is loving it and has yet to pull any of his infamous craziness. I am having to accept the fact that he is not the kind of child that will keep his tag on green everyday. He came home on red a few days ago, and was absolutely hysterical. We threatened him with the loss of his beloved television and bodily harm and he has been trucking along on yellow ever since! Complete victory? No. But yellow is just a warning, and LET'S FACE IT......JM is a warning needing type of kid!

I hope I will be looking back on this post in a few weeks and laughing at how pitiful I sound. That sounds reasonable....doesn't it? PLEASE TELL ME THIS WILL HAPPEN!

Hope your week is going well!

The Entrenpreneurial Spirit

2008-08-20T14:19:00.000-07:00

I have a saying that, unfortunately, my life has been reduced to embracing. It goes something like this: "I never do anything myself that I can pay somebody else to do." Yes....I realize that is rather pathetic....but.....I AM NOT HANDY! I can't even put a puzzle together...so don't even get me started on building or installing something. People have their strengths and weaknesses and I am smart enough to know where mine lie!

However, this is NOT the case for my pal Burg. She has decided to take a special talent that started as a hobby and make it into a money-making machine! (Yeah.....because we ALL know that there is HUGE money in blogging! NOT!) She is starting a blog design business. While she did not design my template ( I paid someone else to do that before I knew of her talents.) She did switch over my entire site to the new blogger. AND..I might add that she is very adept at dealing with the computer inept (read: ME). I somehow managed to delete my ENTIRE link list within the first few minutes of use. (Now do you see why I have to get other people's help?!) She graciously repaired my grievous error without as much as a complaint. You know, not even a, "Are you freaking kidding me! I JUST fixed everything and you manage to mess it up COMPLETELY in the first five minutes!!!!!!!!" Amazingly....nothing like that.

If you are looking for an upgrade, I highly recommend her. You can go to her site to see her handy work. Also, she is sponsoring a contest for a free template at www.blogmommas.com.

Check her out! I was certainly pleased!

Alive and Well!

2008-08-16T04:33:00.000-07:00

Thursday finally came.....the day I had been dreading.......the day I had been obsessing over for weeks. After JM's testing performance, I was worried as to how he would do on his first day. I was worried how I would do on his first day! At Open House, his teacher tried to calm his fears by asking him, "Do I look like a mean lady?" (Oh....she doesn't know him yet!) To which he responded with a vigorous nodding of his head!

However much to my RELIEF and surprise, he walked down the hall to his class, back pack on his back, candy money in his hands (Can you say bribe?) with a smile on his face. He walked into the room, found his seat, hugged his teacher, and even SMILED for a picture. I left quickly, before he changed his mind........AND....I didn't even cry! You read that right.......no tears from the world's biggest ninny!

Different people around the school kept me informed as to his behavior throughout the day. At the end, he walked into to my room with a smile on his face and showed me his "good note" from his teacher. HALLELUJAH! 1 day down.........179 more to go! I asked him if he made any new friends and he replied, "No. My teacher did not tell me to make friends." I will have to be sure to ask her to include that in her lesson plans from now on! :)

He starts full time on Monday and I pray his good streak continues. Only time will tell!

Of course.....don't go thinking JM has taken a turn completely to the light! In Sunday School his teacher asked if anyone wanted to pray for a specific person. JM enthusiastically raised his hand and asked his entire class to pray for his daddy because he was in jail. Nothing helps a local businessman more than his son spreading rumors about about an incarceration!

Editor's Note: I have tried to publish this twice without adding this......but I wouldn't be the OCD person I am if I didn't feel compelled to share the fact that, indeed, Mr. Mayhem is NOT in jail! That is all.

Albert Einstein he is NOT!

2008-08-11T16:36:00.000-07:00

I am not certain if there are words that will adequately describe the scenario around the Mayhem tonight. I have no business sneaking in here to post about this.....but I fear I will forget the particulars if I don't do it now.

We took in a stray dog many months ago. She is a really sweet animal and a good little watchdog. However, she has deemed different parts of my home and the kids' swing set as fair game for her INCESSANT chewing. I kid you not....I could have beat her within an inch of her life when I caught her gnawing on the door frame....THE DOOR FRAME!!!!!!! Of course, this is only after she finished completely ruining one of the posts on the patio. Needless to say....something has to be done about the problem. This led to our purchase of some "bitter" spray. The purpose of the spray is to discourage the dog from chewing.

Junior Mayhem.......because he is a rocket scientist........decided to push down the sprayer on the can. Now....you may be wondering what in the HELL would possess him to walk by and press the sprayer. My answer would simply be, 'Why in the Hades does JM do any of the things he does?" If I knew that......my life would be infinitely simpler!

Does he come and tell us what he has done? No. Does he go and wash the nasty taste out of his mouth with water? No. Mr. Mayhem found him sitting on the side of his bed, slobbering and spitting repeatedly. Imagine the face you make when you taste the nastiest thing imaginable and you will have a good idea of his expression.

I almost lost it ,when during the before supper prayer, he began spitting and pulling at his tongue. The best description I can give is a loud "PFFFFT" sound over and over. He then stuck his tongue into his glass of milk. He just held it there.....not drinking....just praying to GOD the taste would go away.

Before you go calling OCS on me.....we checked the label.....it is not poisonous....not that he ingested much of it, what with all the spitting and slobbering anyway!

So apparently the spray has a number of uses. It works to discourage puppy chewing and curious kindergartener spraying. Who knows? I may spray a protective barrier of the stuff around me when I am trying to get some time to myself. OR...better yet......around the door of the bathroom so I can actually use the facilities ALONE! I wonder if this works to discourage amorous husbands when their wives are not in the mood. Oh...I could go on for days!

Something tells me he won't be doing that again........but you never know with him!

And.....so it Begins

2008-08-09T18:17:00.000-07:00

Well.......Junior Mayhem has not even officially begun kindergarten and he is already making a name for himself around my school! Mr. Mayhem brought him on Friday morning to take his kindergarten test. During this test the kids are asked questions to get an idea of what previous knowledge they possess when they begin the year.

I had been drilling him for over a week......hoping against hope that he would actually comply and show them what he knows. Yeah....all that went out the window when the teacher tried to take him to the room to administer the test. A screaming tantrum of epic proportions ensued......ending with the teacher having to forcibly "help" him to the room.

I found out about this lovely show from a volunteer. When I took my students to the restroom, she informed me about his behavior. As you can imagine.......I was thrilled.

His teacher assured me he straightened up when he got into the room and he did fine on the test.

The conversation between myself and JM, about the situation, went something like this:

Queen: "How did you do today during your test?"

JM: "My teacher kept dwagging me to her room and I didn't want to go, but she kept dwagging me anyway!"

Q: (trying to maintain composure) "Did you tell her your address?"

JM: "No.....I was crying."

Q: (face beginning to flush) "Did you tell her your phone number?"

JM: "Nooo....I was crying!"

Q: (balling up fists) "Did you tell her your first, middle, and last name?"

JM: "NOOOOOO...I told you I WAS CRYING!!!!"

Q: (praying he did more than just get dwagged and cry) "Well, what did you talk about?"

JM: "Well.....we talked about treetops and bubbles!"

There you have it.......for all of you who ever wanted to know the extent of kindergarten testing....all you need to do is familiarize your child with treetops and bubbles and they will SOAR to the head of the class!

I fear it is going to be a LONG year!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday is his first official day of school...........we'll see how that goes! (AS IF we don't already have an inkling!!!!!!!!)

Back to the Grind

2008-08-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

It finally happened. The day I have been dreading for a few weeks now. I started back to work today. That means it will only be a matter of time before all the running starts again. With both kids playing ball, school, a drama class for The Princess, and a bible study for me I may not be able to dedicate as much time to posting as I have this summer.

I attended a meeting today where the speaker was talking about how much time adults spend talking to their children. According to the study, the average amount of time a father spends talking with his kids is 7 minutes. Oh yes....you read that right.....SEVEN minutes. The average amount of time a mother spends is 11 minutes. That is LESS than 20 minutes! My kids will only be young for a short time and I have GOT to make more time to enjoy it before they don't want to speak to me anymore!

I will certainly keep you posted as to JM's first day of kindergarten (I'm predicting tears from me) and all the nonsense that happens around here. I just won't be able to do it quite as often. (At least in the beginning) Good luck to all those starting school and to all the moms who will finally get their houses back!

It's going to be an interesting year!

BURG ROCKS!

2008-08-05T04:46:00.001-07:00

Throughout my time here in the blogosphere (Am I the only one who feels like a complete dork when they use this word?) I have had the privilege of "meeting" many nice people. I have found comfort in their kind comments, emails, phone calls, and even visits. It has truly been a wonderful experience......and this is no exception. I have been reading Burg for quite a while now, minus the time she moved blogs and I thought she was no longer posting. She is a witty woman, with a sense of humor very similar to my own!

I was commenting on her new digs and how I was having some issues with my own site. (READ....I DON'T DO HTML!) She graciously offered to fix my problems and switch me over to the new blogger. Seeing as I had no idea how to help myself, I gratefully accepted her offer. I have no computer skills and had paid to have my site redesigned a while back. But this kind lady stayed up late to switch and fix it........for free!

Check out her site! I am trying to convince her she needs to consider taking this up as a side job. I KNOW there are plenty of people out there, like myself, who want the cute sites but do not possess the ability to get them on their own. Can we say.....spending money? :)

Thank you BURG......you are the WOMAN!

The Queen is a Needy Woman

2008-08-03T18:29:00.000-07:00

The Queen is a woman with needs. She is a woman who is prone to fits of temper when her needs are not being met in an expedient manner. She is a woman whose needs trump those of all the other members of the Kingdom of Mayhem(a legend in her own mind...if you will)......she is a woman whose brain is drained from all the before school preparation, so she is stealing a meme from PoshTotty!

I went to Google, placed my name...and the word needs after it ("Queen needs") and was quite amused at the results. So....here without further ado:

The Queen Needs:

1. men.........now YES! And...how about we make them HAWT and scantily clad....just for fun!

2. to assess if financial needs are immediate Oh....they've been assessed.......I NEED some finances ASAP! There is shopping to be done!

3. to start wearing a bra With gravity being the cruel beyotch it is..........the bra is a very necessary evil for me......OH! I started wearing a bra in junior high....THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. some bodyguards Did I mention the legend in my own mind bit? Yeah.....I need some serious protection from my throngs of obsessed fans!

5. to grow up I can't say this is the first time I have heard this........I am thinking I might start acting my age around 40....but considering I have been 29 for the last 6 years....that might take a while!

6. two therapists Seriously? Google, have you been reading my blog? I realize I have some issues....but two therapists? WOW! How about we compromise with one therapist and an ample supply of cocktails?

7. A life WOW.....that was a low blow! Pretty sure that, if after 35 years I haven't found one.....it ISN'T going to happen!!!!!!!!

8. something more to be satisfied HMMMM....how about 25 million dollars, mass quantities of cosmetic surgery, and a sexy cabana boy to bring me drinks with tiny paper umbrellas (ella.....ellla......ellla....GOOD LORD I AM A LOSER) in them. Yep...that's me....out to make a difference and save the world!

9. her bucket Who has my bucket? I want my bucket and I want it NOW! Heads are going to ROLL if I don't get my bucket!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. Gatorade Yeah....to refresh me after all the exercising I have been doing! (NOT) OR...for future refreshment after I start my diet and exercise boot camp TOMORROW! I mean it....if not....I might have to go to work naked...and NOBODY wants that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's me.....doing my part to make the world a better place....one giant bit of nonsense at a time!

So....whatcha, whatcha, whatcha want?

(I solemnly swear this is the LAST post where I will quote Beasty Boys and Rhiyanna lyrics!)

Overheard

2008-07-31T15:05:00.000-07:00

As I sent Junior Mayhem off to take a nap this afternoon an interesting conversation transpired. Well....really it was not so much a conversation as........just judge for yourself!

Queen: "Goodnight JM.....have a good nap!"

JM: " Goodnight Momma."

Queen: " I love you!"

JM: " I love you too.....you jerk!"

Queen: "What did you just call me?"

JM: (WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT I MIGHT ADD) " I called you a jerk."

Yeah.....I'm really going to miss that kid! Pity...he was so looking forward to kindergarten! :)

A Timely Reality

2008-07-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

No one who reads this blog with any regularity would be surprised to hear that Junior Mayhem can be a difficult child. He's cute, lovable, intelligent AND VERY, VERY STUBBORN! Throw in an inborn questioning of authority with a temper and you have a boy who is going to test the limits for the rest of his life. Raising him has me vacillating between awe inspiring pride and love to beating my head against a brick wall WITH a large cocktail in my hand! Of all of this I am keenly aware....but what I didn't realize was just how much his starting school (read: growing up) was going to affect me.

I mean, I have done this before. I sent The Princess off to kindergarten and live to tell the tale. I remember being a little leery, but I had a newborn at home and did not have the luxury of worrying too much. But this is it......JM is my baby...and him going to school signifies that he is officially not a baby anymore.

Sunday, at church, JM was officially moved to the "big" children's church. I was unaware of this, and became terribly worried about leaving him. TP had spent the night at a friend's house and was not with us, so we was going to have to stay there alone. A few minutes into the service I turned to Mr. Mayhem and asked if I should go and check on him. "He's fine!" was his response. To which I indignantly replied, "He's just a baby!" Mr. Mayhem looked at me like I was crazy and said, "He is NOT a baby!" I was barely able to choke out, "Well....he's MY baby!" before the tears began. I cried through the majority of the rest of the service. I could feel my body wanting to convulse and I had to bite my tongue not to sob. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach! This strong of a reaction completely caught me off guard as, up until now, I have been relatively okay with the idea.

I know it will be fine,.......JM will be fine.......I will be fine. I am a teacher. I know how most teachers treat their students and I know his will love him like I do. BUT....he is not like TP who is ever teacher's fantasy....obedient, motivated, and respectful. JM is more of a challenge and I fear he will struggle to fall into the routine. To be honest, I think I am just a little sad. Sad that my baby is not a baby anymore.

I am also awash in a sea of uncertainty. Am I doing the right thing sending him on when he is SO young? (He won't be 5 until September) Will his teacher try to talk me out of sending him through kindergarten another time? Will she be right? How will he handle seeing me and not being able to run over to me? (I work in the school he will attend.) Will he make friends quickly? (I sent him on from the three year old class and his little friends won't be in school until next year.) What if he acts a complete fool and his teacher sees me for the "Mother of the Year" I am? What if he tells his class embarrassing things about me? (Trust me......kids DO this!) What if I blink my eyes and the next thing you know he is graduating from high school, going to college out of state, and then getting engaged to some hussy I don't like?

I guess I was a little more bothered by this than I realized. I can only hope I can keep the waterworks in check from here on out! Wish me luck!

The Spirit of St. Louis

2008-07-26T05:53:00.000-07:00

The weary travelers have finally returned to the safe, familiar chaos of the Mayhem! I figured I would take a small break from the mountains of laundry I have to wash, and tell you a little about our trip.

We had a WONDERFUL time! St. Louis is a lovely city with an infinite amount of sites to see and fun to be had! I feel compelled to add that I will need a ten day period to recover from this vacation as we ran ninety to nothing the entire time! Mr. Mayhem and the kids had never been to the city and I had not returned since my childhood, so we were all excited to see what the city had to offer. Here's a quick rundown of what we saw in our whirlwind week.

1. The Arch and the Lewis and Clark Imax movie: Mr. Mayhem was terrified on the trip up the arch and, being the loving wife I am, I took MANY pictures to document his fright (Yeah....I'm sweet like that). The view was AMAZING from the top and the kids pretended they were Lewis and Clark the entire day........Junior Mayhem INSISTED on being Clark!

2. Hard Rock Cafe: Complete tourist trap with mediocre food.....but the cocktails were yummy! :) (In walking distance from our hotel......even better!)

3. The Magic House: A hands on children's museum with every kind of kid friendly exhibit you can imagine. The kids loved this place.....I found it WAY too crowded. (Yes....I did realize we were NOT there for me!)

4. Cardinals Ballgame at Busch Stadium: This was the first professional baseball game for the kids and I. We had a great time! Mr. Mayhem even managed to get on ESPN by acting like a COMPLETE MORON when the camera guy came by! If you were watching on Monday night and saw a tall, dark haired man dancing on the top of his seat....that was him! I am SUCH a lucky lady! (Do I really need to add the fact that they serve beer at the stadium? Yeah...didn't think so!)

5. Grant's Farm: This is the animal preserve that is owned by the Busch family. The kids loved the tram ride and feeding the baby goats.......Mr. Mayhem enjoyed the free beer samples. (Are you sensing a trend here?) This is a huge plot of country located in the middle of the city.....I found it fascinating how the city had simply grown around it. (The family has lived there since the 1800's) Oh....and Clydesdales....how cool is that?!

6. St. Louis Zoo: Hands down the NICEST zoo I have ever seen and the admission is FREE! I think this might have been my favorite place. It started to rain, so we didn't see everything.....but what we saw was amazing!

7. Six Flags: Typical theme park.....but fun!

8. City Museum: We had heard from some other visitors how awesome this place was.....but we were simply NOT prepared for what we found when we walked in the doors! A mecca for kid fun.....this place was completely covered with places for the kids to crawl, climb, and slide. Seriously.....we were overwhelmed when we walked in. Might I add that the crawl spaces are not constructed with large and in charge adults in mind. There were a couple of times I feared I would spend the remainder of my days stuck in a cave my fat arse could not leave! It only took a few times for me to realize that climbing was not for me.......I chose to spend my time WATCHING. There was a place the kids could climb in on the ground floor that wound up and around and did not spit them out until the THIRD floor! It was an unbelievable play land...but it made me HORRIFICALLY nervous. It is next to impossible to keep tabs on your children, as where they enter a place could spit them out....goodness knows where! So I spent the majority of my time trying to locate the whereabouts of my kids. I would have thought the museum would implement some sort of safety plan because of this. (IE: Chuck E. Cheese in our town gives the parents and the children the same stamp.....the kids are ONLY allowed to leave with the adult that has their same stamp). I would have felt much more comfortable if that were in place! However, the overall wonder of the place outweighs the nervous factor......and if you are not as neurotic as I am......this may not bother you at all!

As you can see, we were very busy. Our hotel was gorgeous (Junior Mayhem called it a castle), the city is well-laid out and we did not experience ANY traffic, and the people were nice! If you are in the general vicinity, I highly recommend a trip here. We loved it! Now....to conquer my washing...PRAY FOR ME! :)

One Last Hurrah

2008-07-17T09:04:00.000-07:00

In a summer that has flown by at the speed of light....one that has been filled with one trip after another.....it is finally time for one last hurrah. Mr. Mayhem works very hard at his job and because of this, has earned a free trip to St. Louis for our entire family.

That's right....one entire week of in your face family bonding. One hotel room, one city full of exciting things to do, and one crazy family ready for some fun! The mail and paper have been put on hold, the pets both have appointments to be boarded, (Wait until they spend some quality time with my cat, Pepsi......yeah...he is a spoiled brat and will most definitely cry A LOT...as he hates to be alone! ) and the packing has begun. By this time on Saturday, we will be well on our way!

The kids are beyond excited about the trip and, as it nears, I am beginning to get that way myself. The only down side is that this is pretty much it for the summer. The very next week after we return will have to be spent preparing my room and I start back to work the week after that! AAAAAHHHHH!

Let's all say a little prayer that we make it through the week with both kids AND marriage intact!

I won't be around next week.....but promise not to forget about me when I'm gone! :)

Because I Haven't Been Shamed Enough

2008-07-14T12:20:00.000-07:00

Those of you who visit often know my son is infamous for embarrassing me. The depths of my shame usually know no bounds and I have become accustomed to that lovely feeling of wanting to dig a hole and hide in it.....forever! So what went down in the frozen food department of Target ( a store I must avoid for the rest of my life now) should have come as no surprise to anyone.

Before I share the story, let me provide a little background that will help the story make a little more sense. It is no secret that we are a goofy family. We all have quite the infantile sense of humor and therefor....it does not take much to entertain us!

We are always making up silly little songs about things. I often use them to torture The Princess. My favorite is when she is whining about how tough her life is I tell her, "Life is tough and then you die." Well......this little ditty can be transposed into any genre of music, from opera, to country, to gangsta rap. You can imagine how well received this is......especially when I bust out with it in public. Of course....the more resistance that the song is met with....the louder the song becomes! (GOOD TIMES)

Lately we have been stuck on a SNL bit. It is a song the Justin Timberlake sang when he was hosting (I have NO idea from how long ago). He is dressed like an omelet and keeps chanting, "Bring it on down to Omeletville!" On Friday the four of us were driving down the highway when we noticed a man dressed in a hot dog suit in front of Sonic. This immediately caused me to bust into, "Bring it on down to Omeletville!" I am laughing now just thinking of that waving wiener! (hee-hee) ANYWAY...the kids thought is was hilarious and have been singing the ditty ever since.

SO.....it really did not come as a surprise when both kids were singing a made up song as we shopped at Target. The last time I paid attention, it was a song about brushing their teeth. Something along the lines of, "I love to brush my teeth....it makes them bright and shiny." Seeing as I am used to shopping alone with them, I have become a master at ignoring a lot of the excess noise that emanates from their mouths.....so I really wasn't listening to what Junior Mayhem was singing. That was UNTIL I noticed the couple next to me giggling. My mommy radar went up and I started paying attention. Instead of the nice, teeth brushing song...my son had switched to this lovely number, "Who wears a belt on their privates? Who wants a belt on their privates? No one, no one!"

Really? I mean, WTF? Where does he come up with this stuff and WHY does he choose to share it in public places?

Of course I started to snicker as I told him that singing about his privates is not nice manners and should not be done....ESPECIALLY in public! So....OF COURSE he sang it again...because he thought he was cute!

Indeed, these are the ponderings that plague his very soul.......Who....wears a belt......on their privates?! Deep thoughts by Junior Mayhem!

I feel compelled to add that JM has never been spanked with a belt.....especially on his privates......that is all!

That Old, Familiar Feeling

2008-07-11T05:07:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again in the "Mommy" hood. Everybody who is anybody is talking about their impending trip to BlogHer. BlogHer this.....BlogHer that.......we're going to have so much fun and talk about you, since you can't come (OR WORSE, not even think of you at all)......and THEN we won't be your friend ANYMORE....OR WORSE...we'll have some secret inside jokes of which you won't be aware! (What? In my mind this is what the lucky chicks are saying to me!)

Last year I was unable to attend due to a shower I was forced to give for my sister. Okay, I get it.....she was getting married....I was the matron of honor....WHATEVER!!! This year, my husband decides to go and win a trip from work.......WHAT WAS HE THINKING! Don't get me wrong, I am glad he is successful and all....but did it have to be the weekend of the conference? COME ON! Let's think about this rationally....shall we? A long weekend full of girlie time, makeovers, cocktails, gossip, and fun..........OR a week of quality family time in St. Louis? HMMMMM! I know, I know......I will have fun and I am very proud of Mr. Mayhem......but I BETTER get to go next year!

To all my blogging buddies....have fun......drink a few (or a lot) for me! I'll be thinking of you.......YOU BETTER be thinking of me! (hee-hee)

So.....yeah.....check the sidebar......not going to BlogHer......STILL bitter!

When Pride Isn't (Necessarily) Followed by Joy

2008-07-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

To say I am a stubborn person would be a gross understatement........the likes of the Mississippi River is a little creek or Osama Bin Laden is a mild annoyance. I have always fallen victim to the "cut off your nose to spite your face" disease. I know this......but it doesn't seem to stop me. Though some stubborn qualities can serve one well in life..........in a marriage....not so much.

Mr. Mayhem and I are in a battle of sorts. A battle of wills. He has done some unspeakably horrific wrong to me (well....it really pissed me off anyway) and.......shock of the nation......he sees it a little differently! He speaks of sharing the blame and other nonsense that simply does not register in my control freakish, compelled to always be right, neurotic, AND paranoid mind. So...instead of moving on and letting bygones be bygones, I am taking any opportunity to drop coded barbs. You know the type of argument......you slip in snide statements in a way that your children do not catch the gist....but your point is made. Oh yes......I am a master of this! (Guys...aren't you thanking GOD you are not married to me right now?)

I know he is tired of rehashing it and we are supposed to be going away ALONE this weekend. Lest we forget the horrific trip in February? ( Mind you.....much of that had to do with the impending death of his father and freakish friends.......BUT STILL) But....I am tired of his tried and true method of complete avoidance when it comes to problems and like the country song, "I Just Wanna Be Mad For Awhile"!

Of course, much like a whiny teenager, I can't just stew. I need him to KNOW I am mad at him. (SIDE NOTE: If you want to see how truly ridiculous you are acting.....write it down.....seeing this in print.....I sound a bit like a spoiled brat...NOT that it will stop me....but at least I see it...doesn't that count for something?) This leads to him saying something stupid and then me just getting more angry.

So....when do you lose the pride and just let it go? HMPH! Let it go......three words that rarely come together in my world! I suppose I will have to get over myself before we leave....no sense wasting a weekend away from the kids. Although, I wouldn't be me if I hadn't already threatened not to go.....twice....OH and to not let him go and take a friend. Or was it a boyfriend? No....I'm sure I just said friend!

Editor's Note: You'll be happy to know that I am not above learning from my temper tantrum driven mistakes. I learned early on that I could not say whatever popped into my head, just because I was angry. After about a million times of me yelling, "JUST LEAVE THEN" early in our marriage, he came out with an overnight bag packed. He told me he was going to stay with a friend and would talk to me the next day. A tearful apology and discussion later....he went nowhere. He is one of the most laid back men in the world......but when he's had enough....he's had enough! SEE! There is hope for me yet!

Editor's NOTE #2: We had our puppy spayed today and she is so pitiful that my attention has had to shift from pouting to worrying about her. How fortuitous for Mr. Mayhem! That....and I just can't waste a weekend without the kiddos! Now....that would be JUST TOO STUPID! :)

Life Lessons Learned on Vacation

2008-07-06T17:46:00.001-07:00

We have returned to the Castle Mayhem from a long weekend of sand, sun, food, and mass quantities of family bonding. It was a wonderful trip and I truly enjoyed watching Junior Mayhem have a great time on the beach. The Princess was slightly less enthused......as she has acquired all my freak neuroses....including a complete paranoia about jellyfish!

While sunning myself......and by sunning, I mean hiding under the shade of my 100 SPF umbrella and still getting pink.........I noticed a few things during my people watching adventures.

1. No matter how chubby you think you are.......there are ALWAYS fatter people on the beach. AND these people are almost always wearing tiny bathing suits. I am hesitant to take off my cover up....so as to disguise the belly bulge that is the bane of my existence......yet homegirl is wearing a bikini that is lost in one of the fat rolls on her stomach? WTF? Don't get me wrong....I have been known to appreciate my appearance more after a few drinks.....but really....if you need to see out a missing person's report for your lost bikini string....you are probably too fat to wear the suit.....just saying!

2. White, pasty people (such as myself) NEED to wear mass quantities of sunscreen AND find shade from time to time! Why, oh why do these people never learn? You can always pick out the idiot that is fried on day one of the trip........you know, the one who will spend the rest of the time MISERABLE, shirted, and aloed.....wishing for a swift end to the unimaginable pain! (AND...oh yes.....I have been that person......many times....UNFORTUNATELY!) In college, I attended a fraternity formal in Florida. Feeling invincible, and actually able to wear a bikini with pride........I spent the day basking in the glow of the sun, and the admiration of my date (when we weren't fighting....we were a TERRIBLE COUPLE...but I digress). What I did NOT do is apply enough sunscreen.......and as luck would have it.....I was a deep shade of maroon by the time the actual dance came around. I kept begging to leave the party and could not understand why my date insisted we stay......that is....until I was called to the dance floor and crowned as one of the "dream girls"of the fraternity. Yeah......dream girl with the blistered shoulders and fried behind cheeks...........SEXY! The couple who shared the room with us thought they had walked in on some funny business when I was laying, face down on the bed and my boyfriend was rubbing on my arse. What they didn't know....until later....OF COURSE we told them....was that I was SOBBING into the pillow and he was rubbing aloe on that lovely little area of the behind that never does OR should see the light of day, just on the underside of the cheeks! That is a pain I don't EVER desire to relive! WOW! That was a really long, drawn out way of saying that seeing all the whities with the bright red backs and shoulders brought back painful memories on the beach!

3. Drunk people are funny. Really.......do I need to elaborate on this one?

Next year.........seriously......I am going to be HAWT when I go to the beach! Yeah, don't quote me on that one!

What have you learned while enjoying some beachy fun?

Come Visit Me

2008-07-01T12:04:00.000-07:00

I am guest blogging at Slackermommy. Come and visit me so she doesn't think I am a complete loser! (We'll keep from the truth as long as possible!) Thanks!

Five Step Program

Just What the Doctor Ordered

2008-06-30T15:35:00.000-07:00

Funny how the real world is always waiting for you when you return from a vacation. After leaving a weekend full of relaxation, conversation, and LIBATIONS.......I have re-entered the world of Mommy. The world of sibling arguments, dirty clothes, dinners that I actually have to prepare, AND husbands who are thanking their lucky STARS they are off the clock now that Mommy is home!

I suppose it could not last forever.....but what a wonderful weekend it was! I laughed more in the past 3 days than I have in as long as I can remember. I watched more episodes of "Sex and the City" than I EVER have. I ate more JUNK than should be allowed by law. Overall, it was FABULOUS!

Highlights Include:

-"The Special Editiong of Sex and the City Season 1-6" Oh yes......you read that right! You too can own the Special Editiong with all 6 season.......if and ONLY if.......you bid on Ebay for the entire Sex and the City collection, buy it for $50 (including shipping.....it's $200 in the stores) and get it........bootlegged STRAIGHT from some Asian country! Even the wrapper on the box is written in some Asian language. My guess is Chinese.....but what do I know about editiongs! In my defense.....I had NO idea how much it really cost.....AND it does play fine......I'd call that a win-win......or wing-wing.....depending on your perspective!

-After a marathon beach/cocktail session I arose to use the facilities. Upon my return I made two profound proclamations:
1. " I am a good looking lady ( really......you need to pronounce it "lay-day"....you know.....for effect!)" Okay? Am I the only person who beer goggles herself? I may start the day as a chubby, middle aged mommy........but a little time and a LOT of cocktails later.....I AM HAWT!!!!

2. "I am over-served!" YEAH.......I have always been a master of the obvious! Let me tell you the cautionary tale of the lay-day who drank and drank and drank.....all the while sitting in her lovely beach chair......shaded by not one, but two brightly colored beach umbrellas........who had NO idea of her true state UNTIL she decided to stand up!

-In SATC....... Mr. Big answers Carrie with "abso-f*&%-ing-lutely!" This became our answer for EVERYTHING! Would you like to see this magazine article? ABSO-F ING-LUTELY! (you get the idea) And NO.......we did NOT fill in the F blank!!!!!!! We are ladies.....after all......at least as far you all know!

_While playing a rousing game of "Apples to Apples" (a game where you have you put down the card in your hand that comes closest to matching the word read by the judge) my friend put down a card that read, "steak and potatoes". That wouldn't be too surprising, had the clue not been "sweet". When questioned about her choice......she responded with, "Someone says.......tonight we are having steak and potatoes".......and the other person responds, "Oh, sweet!" Later she announced that we would be dining at Ruth Chris' ( a renowned steakhouse).....to which my friend responded....."SWEET!"

Try NOT to be appalled at how wild we all are! Games and daiquiris and trashy TV.....OH MY! Some people might escape the shackles of family life and spend their nights tearing up the dance floor at some club......but NOT US......wild. party women that we are.....that is not how we roll! (But next year we MAY roll that way!)

The weekend was a perfect combination of good friends and fun! I could not have asked for ANYTHING more!

Now....I have 24 hours to wash every item of clothes in my house, pack, load the car, and do it ALL OVER AGAIN....this time with the family! You know.......because the world just really needs to gaze upon my super model-esque body.....AGAIN!!!!! (That's sarcasm people!) I am guessing this trip will be a little less relaxing!

I will visit all your blogs when I return next week! If you are truly bored......take a trip over to
Slackermommy tomorrow......where she has foolishly left me alone with my devices to guest post on her site!

Oh....and the Mystic Tan was a bust! It was raining when we got to the salon and the girl told us it would spot....so we persevered without it.....pasty skin and all!

Sun, Sand, and Silliness

2008-06-26T06:30:00.000-07:00

I leave tomorrow for a FULL weekend of girlie fun! I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am and how badly I need this right now! My friend and I are trying out the "Mystic Tan" this afternoon because, as another friend of mine always says, "A baked turkey looks better than a raw one!" As you can probably tell from my profile pic, I am quite the pasty, white girl! I am hoping I come out bronze and beautiful....... not orange and frightening!

We are headed to the beach.......destined for sandy shores, good conversations, icy cocktails, and.......maybe SEXY cabana boys to bring them to us! Okay.....probably not on the cabana boy thing.....but a girl can dream!

The only down side to this whole dream weekend is that 2 hard-bodied, young hotties are going with me. Don't get me wrong......LOVE these girls TO DEATH....but you just have to know that......if given a choice......people are not going to gaze upon my largeness...when they are bikini babes nearby! My other friend and I will hold it down for the middle aged ladies......you know, represent with pride......either that....or wear our cover ups most of the time.......DEFINITELY one of the two! :)

I had such grand plans to be a hottie by beach time........but.......it just didn't quite happen! Oh well.....there's always next year!

Have a great weekend.....I am SURE I will!

15 Years in a Nutshell

2008-06-21T05:52:00.000-07:00

Slackermommy tagged me for a meme that would sum up the last 15 years of my life. Because I am such a ho for affirmation, I simply cannot turn down an opportunity to talk about myself, AND let someone else know more about me! (Are any of you really surprised by this?!)

This meme is: 15 Years in a Nutshell

Think back on the last 15 years of your life. What would you tell someone that you hadn’t seen or talked to for 15 years? How would you sum up your life?

You get 10 bullet points. A list of 10 things to summarize you. At the end of your list, tag 5 more people and send on the love.

So....for all you lovely people who were desperate to know SO much about the life of Queen....and were too shy to ask.......and for those of you poor souls who just randomly stopped by and are now forced to read about ME........here we go!

1. Partied like a rock star in college. ( I was in a sorority.....need I say more?)

2. Graduated from LSU in 1995 with a degree in education.

3. Took a job at an "at-risk" school and began doing my part to save the world, one child at a time. (LOVED, LOVED, LOVED working with these kids....they are so needy and so eager to please.....once they know you care about them......some of the most challenging and rewarding years of my career)

4. Married Mr. Mayhem in 1996........my wedding and reception were SO MUCH FUN....I have video proof of the masses doing the Macarena.........GOOD TIMES!

5. Found out I was pregnant in December of 1997.......QUITE THE SHOCK.....especially because MM and I were about to go a live in London for a year while he worked at Oxford and researched his dissertation. HMMMM....living in Europe for a year as a young married couple.....crazy romantic.........doing the same with a newborn......JUST CRAZY! This actually was a turning point in MM's life as he decided not to continue his PhD and seek work in the real world. (He is ABD....all but dissertation.....and I pray he will finish one day......but the truly sad thing is......he makes 3 times more doing what he does than he could being a professor!)

6. We welcomed The Princess in 1998.

7. We bought our first house in 1999. I cannot explain how excited my husband was......as he had lived in apartments or townhomes for over 13 years before this! ( It wasn't as exciting for me.......I had only lived in apartments for a few years....and it still seemed "fun"!)

8. In 2000 I switched jobs and went to work in a more affluent system. It was quite a change and came with it's own rewards and challenges. ( I still work there today.....and plan to stay for the duration of my career.......at least that is the plan......things can always change.......SEE #5)

9. In 2003 we welcomed Junior Mayhem........and NOTHING has been the same since! :)

10. We sold our first house........( 2 days after Hurricane Katrina in 2005) and were lucky enough to move into our new house during Hurricane Rita......nothing says fun like moving in horizontal sheets of rain! We now live, and both work, in the area of my school........it was an adjustment at first......living in a small town......but now I am fully addicted......I could never go back!

There you go.....my life in a nutshell!

NOW for the tagging:

Kel: She is a relative newcomer to my site.....but I can already tell we have a similar sense of humor and I would love to know more about her!

Misplaced Country Girl: Also new....but her sassy wit hooked me RIGHT AWAY! I can only imagine what she will have to say......NO PRESSURE!

That Girl: Well......because she is my FAVORITE Canadian!

Viking Adventure: ......because this globe-trotting mommy has lived a VERY interesting life!

Worker Mommy: ......LOVE her.....and if I get some good dirt on her.....I can use it to blackmail her into meeting up with me for some good ole' fashioned girlie time! :)

Of course.......all are welcome to join in the fun!

Behold the Dream Smasher!

2008-06-18T05:11:00.000-07:00

During my long and illustrious career in education I have learned that kids will say whatever is on their minds. There is NO such thing as a filter.......if they notice, think, or want it......they are going to say it!

You want to know how you really look? Ask a kid.

One of my favorite stories from teaching has to do with a fourth grade girl who was having a conversation with me during recess. It went something like this:

Girl: "Queen do you work out?"

Queen: "Baby, does it look like I work out?" STUPID, STUPID, STUPID....why did I set myself up for this?

Girl: (very matter- of- factly) "No."

Queen: " Well......then there is your answer!"

I couldn't even be mad at her.........because I didn't work out ( I have been working out for 2 days now.........so I CAN put that in past tense....thank you very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and it showed!

I expect this kind of thing from my students......but my own children? The ones I carried for 9 long months........suffered through painful deliveries.......and spend my life chauffeuring to different events....and DON'T get me started on what I spend on them............anyway, you get the point!

For those of you who are new to my site..........I have recently had an ENORMOUS amount of dental work done. By enormous I mean.......take out a second mortgage, sell a kid on the black market, take up high priced prostitution type of dental work!

After over 3 months of constant visits, 2 root canals, 2 crowns, ZOOM whitening (remember this part.....it will be important later), and a set of temporary veneers on my front teeth....I am ALMOST DONE!

BACKGROUND: I had not gone to the dentist for 2 years...........and in that time, my seemingly clean mouth spiralled into a vortex of bacteria and nastiness. ( That may be a slight exaggeration.....but I felt like that was what the dentist was telling me!) Before this....I had only ONE....count it......ONE filling in my entire life. Thank you having babies! Yeah....I am going to blame it on that!

I chose to do the ZOOM and veneers since one of my front teeth was chipped and the enamel was starting to break down on them (dentist thought I got a hold of a bad batch of whitening strips). I did this for me....because it bothered me and I wanted to improve my smile!

So.....when I returned.........a giddy mass of exuberance from my ALMOST last visit to the dentist (until my scheduled cleaning....yeah, won't that mistake again!) I expected my family to share in my joy and stand awed at the gorgeous site that was my $5000 mouth!

Oh....but then I had the joy of seeing my daughter first. Evil, dream smasher that she is....our conversation went like this:

Queen: "Check out my fancy new teeth!"

The Princess: " Wow! Your front tooth isn't chipped anymore!"

Q: " Yeah, thanks for bringing that up.......what do you think?"

TP: " They look much better.....still a little yellow....but better."

Q: "WTF?!" ( I didn't say that.....just thought it.....oh, and then I opened the door to the car and pushed her out......on the highway!)

The dentist told me that there are only so many shades of temporaries and, due to my ZOOM treatment, my other teeth are a little lighter than the temporaries. I only wear them for 2 weeks and she ASSURED me no one would notice. YEAH......guess she forgot the observant powers of kids!

Don't worry about The Princess......I turned around and picked her up and she is presently resting comfortably while chained to a post in my backyard! :)

Hands Down.....the Funniest Video I Have Seen in Years!

2008-06-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have laughed until I cried each time I have watched this video. This is the exact type of reaction Junior Mayhem has when we laugh at him!

( I stole this from Jenny Haha's site..........but she just had a baby....so she won't miss it!) :)

The Joys of Family Vacations.....and Other Urban Legends

2008-06-16T10:22:00.000-07:00

The kids and I have returned from our trip to Branson.....relatively unscathed. Sure, the cheetos stain may never completely disappear from the back of my father's Tahoe, I may never actually finish washing every piece of clothes we own, and spending mass quantities of time with my mother, sister, grandmother, and two children left me in need of therapy (just kidding...sorta)....but overall it was a fantastic trip!

First of all, I enjoyed Branson a LOT more than I thought I would! The city is set in the mountains and the scenery is JUST GORGEOUS! Minus the continual bumper to bumper traffic......the city is lovely! We found delicious and reasonably priced food, the shows were great, and the shopping.....OUTLET MALL....are you kidding me?!

We saw a number of shows during our stay. The first night we attended the "Dolly Parton's Dixie Stampede". Both kids loved watching the animals and the tricks and they were chosen to participate in the show. Would you really be surprised if I told you that Junior Mayhem backed out at the VERY last second? Nope.....didn't think so! But The Princess went out and chased a chicken like a champ!

We saw two Imax movies.....one of which convinced me I HAVE to go the Grand Canyon soon! Junior Mayhem was so impressed with the magic show we attended, he fell asleep....of course...not before I was suckered into buying an 0h-so-very-necessary-and-useful blinking stick for him to torture his sister with during the rest of the trip.

The last two shows we saw were the best by far! I was a little less than enthused when I booked the first one. I saw the ad for Shoji Tabuchi and it just didn't blow me away......but both my mother and grandmother spoke so highly of it.....I decided to give it a go. I have to tell you......I absolutely loved it! He is so genuine a person, and so incredibly talented.......add that to great sets, fun choreography, pyrotechnics, and all kinds of nonsense falling from the ceiling and you have a recipe for a fun time!

Junior Mayhem was a little less moved by the performance. As soon as the show began, he turned to me and said, "I want to go swimming back at the hotel!" After I calmly informed him that he was S.O.L. and better sit still and enjoy the show......OR ELSE......he was quiet for awhile.....a short, short while! At one point in the show, Shoji and his daughter did a song dedicated to the memory of his son (her brother) that they had lost a few years earlier. The song was very touching and my sweet daughter was moved to tears thinking of her "Papa" she had just lost. Yeah.....not so much with JM! At one point during the song, he gazed lovingly into my eyes, placed his hands on both sides of my face, and leaned in to whisper something in my ear. Caught up in the moment, I just knew it would be some declaration of his undying love for me......or a time for him to share his immense gratitude for all I do for him on a daily basis. It took only a moment for reality to slap me in the face when he exclaimed, (in my ear) "I WANT to go back to the ho-teyell!" You see...he is quite the bumpkin and is prone to adding extra syllables to the simplest of words. At the very end of the show pyrotechnics were shot off on the stage. I immediately turned to JM......as loud noises can and often do trigger a meltdown. Once he crawled down from the rafter he jumped to.....he exclaimed, "That firecrack scared my face!" From then on.....we all used this expression to describe the show. LOVELY!

The last show we saw was, "Noah, the Musical". The stage and sets were amazing. They used both real and animatronic animals and at one time.........three fourths of the enormous theater was encompassed by the "ark".

A good time was had by all! Branson is a great place.......beautiful backdrop, relatively reasonable hotels, food, and entertainment, and fun for all ages!

We are in talks to return at Thanksgiving....to view the Christmas shows.

Love Letter

2008-06-14T15:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Mayhem,
I was touched, beyond words, when you repeatedly shared with me the depths of your longing for myself and the children during our lengthy time away. It warmed my heart to hear you question when I would return and expound upon your inability to sleep without me next to you.

I was even able to look past your comments when they ventured toward the REAL reason why you wanted me home and how long you had suffered without your "needs" being met. Because, as we all know, if things are not used on a regular basis.......they cease to function properly and that simply would not do!

I was able to do this because I am your wife, and I love you.

However, this love was tested when I entered into the sanctuary that is my office to gaze upon the 240 emails I had waiting for me.

While I appreciate your missing of your wife.........I did not feel as positively about the *ahem* "adult" sites you visited. AND I especially did not appreciate the mass quantity of viruses you acquired while surfing these fine, upstanding sites..........the fact that our browser was hijacked from these lovely sites........and the sheer amount of time I was forced to spend trying to repair the damage your testosterone induced wanderings had caused!

Oh....and The Princess does not really appreciate it either. She is firmly convinced her Webkinz will be dead.....since I cannot allow her to use the computer....due to the fact that, at any second, unwanted adult advertising can pop up! Can you live with the blood of 6 Webkinz (yes...I know 6 is an obnoxious number!) on your hands? Need I remind you that TP has told us that, once they are dead....they can NEVER be used again? Oh...the humanity of it all!

I might add that you have returned, once again, to my good graces. After witnessing a temper tantrum where I calmly reminded you that your antics had robbed me of the, "One thing I do.....just for me!" you brilliantly suggested that now just might be the time to invest in that new computer "we" had been wanting!

So.....as I see my words displayed on a lovely, porn-free flat screen monitor.....I just wanted to say...all is forgiven AND if you ever pull a stunt like this again....I WILL KILL YOU! Oh, and don't worry....I won't tell ANYONE about your little indiscretion!

All my love,
Queen

Head Trip

2008-06-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning my kids, myself, my mother, my sister, and my grandmother are headed to Branson. Mr. Mayhem has graciously agreed to stay behind to make money to bankroll this and future trips........as well as do GOODNESS knows what to the house while we are gone! (AND...the idea of travelling with all the female members of my family does not really appeal to him......imagine that!!!)

Should be interesting! If Junior Mayhem acts as much a fool as he did in Dallas........I may be writing my next post from the penitentiary!

I will leave you with this.........yet another shining example of my love of the infantile.....and how it has spread to my children.

We were riding in the car. It was my turn to drive the carpool for golf camp. I have JM, TP, and two other kids. That's a 4 year old boy, a six year old boy, a nine year old girl, and a ten year old girl.....oh and me......a 29 year old mother. (This is MY post.....I can SO be 29 if I choose to be!!!)

We were listening to my Ipod through the radio when a large amount of static comes through.........only it doesn't sound like static.......it sounds more like a gigantic toot (f*rt). Everyone in the car (especially me) nearly killed themselves laughing....I honestly thought I would have to pull over until I could control myself. I began laughing at the noise and kept laughing at the deep, belly laughs that were coming from the kids! GOOD TIMES!

Oh....and today (during carpool) I reached back to swat JM and caught the 6 year old boy's leg instead. He really appreciated that! That.......right there...... is GOOD parenting!

See you in a week!

Check This Out!

2008-06-04T08:59:00.000-07:00

I am posting at Deep South Moms' Blog these days.............check out my post there!

Aged to Perfection?

Those Days are LONG GONE!

2008-06-02T08:17:00.000-07:00

Remember the days........back, when we were young.......when the more people you squashed into a hotel room.....the wilder the party would be? You and your friends would cram as many people as humanly possible.....just to save money for more IMPORTANT things on the trip? While I look back at those days with fondness.......they are OVER.....this latest trip I took with my family convinced me of that!

Thus far in my life as a parent, I have not seen the need to book two hotel rooms when traveling with my children. It just seemed like a needless extra expense. But now I am now thoroughly convinced it will cost much less than the legal representation I would be forced to acquire when I lose my mind and go on a murderous rampage!

We traveled to Dallas last weekend. An emotional, final journey where we spread MM's father's ashes in various places he once loved. He grew up in a tiny town in Texas.......in fact....my son is named for that town. We visited his childhood home, the homes of his many friends, and the high school where he first made a name for himself. Next it was off to the campus of SMU. Can I just say....it is GORGEOUS! It ought to be gorgeous for the price of tuition....but it did not disappoint. My FIL was the drum major and so we spread his ashes around the band hall where he spent countless hours during his college years.

While it was a lovely trip.......Junior Mayhem did his level best to make me lose my mind! He is certainly NOT a child who adapts to things well....and being off his normal routine sent him into a tailspin....and sent me running for the nearest bar!

Four of us in one room.......it was miserable! What little time we spent in there.....the kids were bouncing off the wall....and don't EVEN get me started on sharing a double bed with MM! There was a time when we snuggled in a double (newlyweds) but those days are ALSO GONE! We are both older AND wider............he is 6' 3 and I am 5'10......entirely TOO BIG to share such a small bed. Oh...and let's not forget that Junior Mayhem continually fell out of his bed. The child sleeps like a rock in a regular bed at home.....but for some reason...could not seem to STAY in the bed at the hotel!

We have a few more trips coming up this summer and we are seriously considering paying the extra money for an adjoining room!

Either that.......or we are packing LOTS more booze for the next one.....don't think I could survive without it!

Isn't family bonding wonderful?!

I'll Take Utter Humiliation for $400 Please

2008-05-27T12:42:00.000-07:00

It seems like I begin each and every post with, "It's quite hectic around here"........but, PEOPLE.....it really is! There is a steady stream of visitors that make their way in and out of the Castle Mayhem. There are softball games to attend, houses to be cleaned, summer camps to visit, clothes to wash, crazy animals to deal with, work to be done, swimming lessons to take.......you get the idea! So...when Junior Mayhem decided to add one more item to my "to-do" list....I was not pleased....especially when it dealt with cleaning up tee-tee accidents.

He decided he was going to start grabbing his privates constantly (yeah....that is pleasant...imagine watching your son, on a stage, in front of a packed crowd....singing his little heart out with two hands firmly affixed to his *ahem* junk! Good LAWD that word makes me laugh, when it is used in that context! Do you think I will ever grow up?), as well as have accidents a few weeks ago. Part of me knew it was just him being difficult......but I wanted to make sure there was not a problem before I began beating him within an inch of his life for this lovely new habit. Add that to the fact that he told me his "pee-pee was bovering him" and we were headed to the pediatrician.

OF COURSE my pediatrician was not in today and OF COURSE we got to see a young man who does not know me (or JM for that manner.....his normal doctor knows he has a tendency to fall victim to suggestion.)

So....Doogie Howser strolls in and I desperately attempt to maintain my composure as I discuss the problem with my son's junk! I literally have to put my hand over my mouth a couple of times to stifle a giggle as I watch and listen to his interactions with JM. Here is an example of how it went:

DH: "JM what's the problem?"

JM: "Well my pee-pee was bery itchy and bovering me and my mama said it is bad manners to grab it in public."

DH: "Does it hurt you?"

JM: "Yes."

DH: "A lot...or a little?"

JM: "It was hurting....but my daddy rubbed it and it felt better!"

(ME: peering around my shoulders for the impending arrival of the SWAT team to carry me off to prison...."It looked a little irritated, so his father rubbed some Neosporin on it.") You do realize he has uncovered an important milestone in his journey to manhood....as there is VERY little in life that a little rubbing can't make better!

DH: " So it hurts and itches?" To which I remind him that JM is very suggestible......so he attempts something different.

DH: "Does it feel better now?"

JM: "Yes.....it feels better!" (WTF!!!!!!!!!)

You might think that this would be the end of my humiliation.....but you.......you would be terribly mistaken......for next came the questions.....and my secret lamenting of my pasty skin!

DH: "Has anything changed at home? You know....sometimes when things change and kids are not getting enough attention...they will act out."

Queen: "Not that I know of...." Now.....here is something you need to know about me......I am the type of person who is prone to self doubt........even when there is not a shadow of a doubt that what is being said is not true.

2 examples:

1. I was the student in school who was always second guessing themselves when the teacher wanted to know who took something or did something wrong. Even though I KNEW I did not do it.......I would be wracking my brain..........just to be sure!

2. I have a negative blood type (o-) and MM has (A-). When I was pregnant with The Princess, they wanted me to take a Rhogam shot. I told the nurse it was not necessary as my husband also had a negative blood type....to which she responded, "Well.....if you're 100% sure he is the father!" We had been together for almost 4 years and married for almost 2....so I was SURE who the father was.........but she completely threw me and it took me a minute to answer!

Are you sensing a trend here?

Oh....and thank you genetics......my pasty, white skin makes it impossible to hide any emotion that may pass through my neurotic little body! Sad, mad, or embarrassed......my chest and neck begin to look as though I feel asleep while sunbathing.

So, as DH stared at me...trying to rack my brain as to how to explain why the HELL JM does half the nonsense he does......that tell-tale fire engine red hue began to creep up my body. And.....being that BOTH of my children are masters of the obvious.......The Princess felt compelled to let me know that my chest and neck were "really red" in FRONT of Doogie!

After what seemed like an eternity, I gathered up my children along with whatever minuscule speck of dignity I had left and promised to let Doogie know if it did not improve.

Who would have thought a $15 copay could buy SO much humiliation?

It's One of Two Things

2008-05-26T13:37:00.000-07:00

My school year ended on a less than ideal note last Friday. I attended two horrifically overwhelming, and...surprisingly boring at the same time, inservices that sent my neurotic, OCD ridden mind into overload. I returned to my school, only to greet a friend of mine that recently had her first baby.

She and I have a relationship where we are constantly making little, backhand smart ass statements to each other. We delight in messing with each other and I (FOOLISHLY) thought this day was a perfect time for more of the same. (A LITTLE BACKGROUND) She was one of those people who constantly made the "I will NEVER let my child......" insert just about anything here. I often told her I could not WAIT until she had kids and had to eat each and every one of these words. So....when she made an offhand comment about motherhood kicking her behind....I could not wait to razz her a little about it. What I didn't see........as I was gazing at her beautiful, newborn baby girl........was the fact that she had tears in her eyes when she was saying it. So.....being the kind, thoughtful friend that I am.....said something along the lines of...."I guess you've just been so busy doing all the things you swore you would never do....." only to look up and see her exhausted, overwhelmed face. LOVELY.......I didn't feel like a horse's ass AT ALL after that! I was going to take it back......but opted to wait and speak to her alone later. This set the tone for the rest of the day.

As if my first performance was not stellar enough......I then threw a temper tantrum of epic proportions when I received my schedule for next year. A large part of it does not make sense to me......BUT what I didn't realize (as I was WAY too busy lying on the floor, kicking and screaming) was that the administration had been trying to hammer it out for almost a week. (NICE) The really lovely part was that I melted down IN THE CAFETERIA...where all of God and creation could watch. Normally, I try to be a little more discreet......but I LOST. IT. Add the stress of all the new things I had learned I have to do next year with the less than ideal schedule and I was DONE! Of course.....being the paranoid person I am.....I left there and lost sleep that night CONVINCED everyone hated me! ( Don't you want to work with me?)

So.....after careful consideration.....I have decided that my recent fits of rage and foot in mouth disorder were caused by one of two things. Either I am in desperate need of returning to the use of mood altering drugs......or I am just a raging beyotch! Only time will tell which one it is!

The one good thing is........I am off for the summer. SO....my colleagues have 2 months to forget my antics!

The End is NEAR!

2008-05-19T14:24:00.000-07:00

The countdown has begun. Less than one week until I am living the life of leisure! All I have to survive is the last day of school with my students, (tomorrow), 2 days of an excruciating training on a new assessment strategy (that we will be forced to use for a few years...until the powers that be decide it doesn't work either.....but I digress), AND one painful new textbook seminar.....and then FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then I will enthusiastically usher in the life were my main concerns will be what camp to let my children attend and what to pack for some fun trips! (Of course......I will be spending 24/7 with both of my children.....one of which happens to be JUNIOR MAYHEM......but I won't be working! )

Who knows? Maybe I will be able to post on a more regular basis........visit the blogs of those I love........bring back some of my long lost readers..........lose some of these excess LBs I have recently found......find a cure for cancer.....solve world hunger........run for president......the opportunities are ENDLESS!

Here are some goals for the summer: (Because I KNOW that, by posting them here, they will definitely happen.....you know.....it worked so well for my new year's resolutions!!!!!!)

1. Paint both kids' rooms ( curse you flat paint....my house is NOT even 3 years old)

2. Get in shape, lose the spare tire I am smuggling around my mid-section.......I ordered the Wii Fit.....so I am SURE this will happen! (You know, like having the elliptical in my living room has kept me SO fit thus far!)

3. Prepare Junior Mayhem for kindergarten. This is a post in and of itself....I will save it for another time!

4. Watch a LOT of trashy TV. "Days of Our Lives" here I come! You know...I haven't watched this in over a year.....so I should be completely caught up in less than a week!

Try not to be jealous of my lofty plans. I am exhausted.......physically, mentally, emotionally......I am hoping to take some time to catch my breath. 2008 has been a little rough, thus far.....and I am anxiously awaiting some down time!

Now......if I could only find a sexy latin cabana boy to cater to my every whim.....my summer will be COMPLETE! Whose got one I can borrow?

Really Random

2008-05-11T15:14:00.000-07:00

Hey blogging buddies..........have you missed me? ( Cue sound of crickets) Is anyone out there......Bueller, Bueller, BUELLER? Sorry I haven't been around much lately.......this whole being a momma, wife, and having a full time job is kicking my arse!

The countdown to summer has officially begun.........t-minus 2 weeks to go! WOO-HOO! This can not come a moment too soon.......as I am done.......stick a fork in me........DONE! I am WORSE than the kids......I have a horrible case of spring fever and have lost all urge to teach!

I thought I would share a few of the random things that have happened to me lately. Those of you who know me understand that, often things happen in my life that could ONLY happen to someone like me! These lovely examples fit that category.

Terror in the Wal-Mart ( Also known as "Cleanup.......aisle 7")

The Princess and I were minding our own business, doing our part to rev up the economy with our weekly $200 (or more) trip to Wal-Mart. Junior Mayhem was with his father and TP and I were revelling in the fact that our trip was much less stressful without the little monster causing a stir! To that end, she was riding happily on the end of the cart. This would not really be a problem were she not 9 years old, weighing 63 pounds. The addition of a 63 pound LONG drink of water on the end of my cart makes it difficult, if not impossible, to steer. Add $200 worth of groceries and other needless nonsense in the cart and......well, you get the idea.

So, when I went to turn around on the water aisle TP's behind struck a tiny shelf hanging on the side of an end cap. An end cap that just so happened to be holding mass quantities of glass bottles full of rootbeer and orange cream soda. Within seconds, a deafening crash could be heard throughout the entire store........as the entire contents of between 200 and 300 bottles crashed onto the ground. TP and I stared at the mess.......dumbfounded.....with our best "deer in the headlights" look. Out rushes a milk stocker and an old man from the store. The old man looked horribly disgusted and took off to get help. The milk man preceded to talk my ear off for what seemed like an eternity. I stood there for a while.....feeling compelled to tell someone this devastating scene was caused by me. However, after what I deemed as a reasonable amount of time passed, and my inability to stand the droning of the milk man drove me to flee.

We shakily completed the rest of our shopping and headed towards the checkout. I heard them call for cleanup at least three times while we were there. It sounded something like this," Attention cleaners......we had a lady unable to steer her buggy that completely destroyed millions of dollars worth of inventory in waterland.........who has gone AWOL..... feel free to use excessive force to bring her to justice.....oh and come clean this ENORMOUS mess!" Well, that might not have been exactly what they said......but the leering stares of the other customers told me they knew of my guilt, my secret, and they were ready to turn me in! For all I know.......they may still be calling for a cleanup!

As if all of this was not bad enough, I bent down to put something on the bottom of my cart and the cashier whispers, "Don't bend over again", makes an eye cut to the man behind me, and imitates his bug eyed stare at my chest. LOVELY! What a perfect end to a perfect trip in a perfect store! I am currently seeking therapy to deal with the repercussions of this fateful day!

Future Felon (Episode 999,999)

Ever closer to his need for the orange jumpsuit, Junior Mayhem truly outdid himself today. It's not enough that he is going through some freak control phase where he is having bathroom accidents just to spite me.......but let's add grand larceny to the repertoire...shall we?

My family dined at a swanky restaurant for Mother's Day. It was a champagne brunch and the food, atmosphere, and mimosas were divine! Surprisingly, JM was behaving relatively well. Save for a few breakdancing moments, picking up food off the floor that had fallen (and trying to eat it), and an unfortunate run in with some syrup for a Belgian waffle, things were going quite smoothly. Now, maybe I should have paid more attention to my son......and a little less to my mimosa....but it is MOTHER'S DAY....I was off the clock! Somewhere during the time, JM decided it would be a great time to stick some silverware into the cargo pocket of his shorts. I caught him doing this once (NOTE......what was his daddy doing.....you know the one that was SUPPOSED to be watching him.....it being MD and all? GOOD QUESTION!) and told him to put them back on the table. (Cue humorous banter with family AND a delicious mimosa) On our way to the parking garage, the sun hit a very shiny object protruding from JM's pocket. That's right people.......my son STOLE a stinking spoon from the restaurant! Now, I wish I could tell you I marched right back inside, son in tow, made him return the spoon, and admit what he did.........but I was REALLY full, REALLY tired, and well.....that's all I have........I didn't......I have the spoon......and much like the "beating" of the Tell Tale Heart, it is driving me crazy!

Do you think they can try a 4 year old as an adult? Should I start contacting military schools today? Should I turn myself in for being an accessory to theft? Should I drink another mimosa?

ANSWERS......people.......I need answers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Very Childish

2008-04-26T05:55:00.000-07:00

I know......you are terribly surprised to read the title of this post.....ONLY if you have never read any of my infantile humor posts from the past. It's no secret that I am a lover of all that is immature (jokes.........toots.........childish teasing......you get the idea). OKAY...I had to use the word "toot" because I cannot stand the word "fart"......it just sounds so vulgar.....but I find the act hilarious........what's the deal?) So I decided to share a few that have been amusing me......of late.

1. My new FAVORITE joke:

What do you get when you enter a barn and see a brown chicken kissing a brown cow?

Brown chicken brown cow! ( To get this joke...you have to say it all together....so it sounds like "bow chicka wow wow"! Which.....of course......is one of my FAVORITE expressions!)

2. Junior Mayhem Nonsense:

-As he, The Princess and I rode to school this week he proudly wondered aloud, "Who wants to see my pee-pee?" NICE! Wonder how many times he has asked that in his preschool class? Maybe THAT is why he keeps getting written up in class! Somehow I see a long, brown trench coat in his future. Just what every mother dreams for her baby boy.....that he will end up being the creepy man in the park who exposes himself to unexpecting passersby! Mr. Mayhem and I have done such a fantastic job raising him!

-We are lovers of the Wii at the Mayhem...and Mr. Mayhem and friends have been known to play marathon bouts of "Guitar Hero". Junior Mayhem is really too young to play that game and I never thought he paid much attention to it......UNTIL...he picked up the guitar, began strumming it, and sang, "Slow ride..........take it easy!" Junior Mayhem LOVES him some Foghat!

I am not so much a fan of this game....as I cannot get more than 2 bars into a song without being BOOed off stage!

Finally.......as if you needed more proof that I am a loser.......Mr. Mayhem and I went to eat at a local Mexican restaurant. This restaurant has live music on the weekends. We were eating on the side with the bar. (Point being...some people were just sitting there listening to the music.) As the band sang a Hank Williams Jr. song.....one of the patrons pointed at me during the verse, "I have loved some ladies". SO....what I need to know is.......does it make me COMPLETELY PATHETIC that I was SO fired up that this (not really that attractive) man pointed to me during this song........because we ALL know that this meant he was madly in love with me.....so taken with my incredible beauty that he secretly willed me to leave my husband and family and run away to a tropical island with him? Or...maybe I was just the first person he saw and it fit the lyrics of the song! Regardless......as I get older......I take "compliments" wherever I can get them.......so I choose to believe the first one! Are you wondering where my daughter gets her overwhelming desire for constant affirmation?

As usual.....nonsense abounds at the Mayhem!

Goodbuy

2008-04-21T14:28:00.000-07:00

The Queen and her court are moving up in the world of Mayhem. I have moaned and whined about my 1998 Ford Windstar minivan for at least a year. I have shared its noble and majestic beauty....if by beauty I mean cheesy, cassette tape playing, breaking on the side of the roading, pieces of it falling off type loveliness! Mr. Mayhem has been making noises about purchasing a truck for many moons....and FINALLY.....finally the deed is done!

NO MORE MAROON PARTYWAGON! Nah Nah Nah Nah.....Nah Nah Nah Nah......Hey Hey....GOODBYE!

We are now the proud owners of a "chromed out" (to quote Mr. Mayhem) black Ford F150. With the ridiculous gas prices....I am sure we will need to take out a second mortgage to run the monster! What with all the high prices...we were able to get a good deal on the truck. The man is on cloud nine. He actually left me a message on my cell phone about how good he looked driving his new truck!

Mr. Mayhem is friends with the sales manager and he jokingly told us that he had to go and break it to the used car lot that they now owned this lovely thing. (That thing being the van.) I can't imagine WHY they would not be thrilled.....1998.....maroon.....minivan.......cassette tape player.......117, 000 miles........needing ALL kinds of work! What is not to love?!

So.....if you're looking for the Queen.....gaze NO longer towards the minivans.......I will be the HOT redhead driving the SUV! ( By hot, I mean HOT......it is STINKING hot here...again!)

Mayhem Animal Shelter

2008-04-14T18:44:00.000-07:00

We here, at the house of Mayhem, have suffered through a lifetime of bad luck when it comes to pets. After many hours of therapy, I have come to the conclusion that we just haven't had the right "fit" with regards to animals. Because of this we have been timid to invite another "four legged" member into our home.

All that changed when Lawyermama was down here for her Mardi Gras visit. While Steph and I were out touring the stix in which I live, a little gray and black tabby cat was making it his business to adopt us. The Princess was immediately enamored, suckered me in....and "Pepsi" became a member of the Mayhem. Yes....PEPSI...why TP felt inclined to name him this...I cannot say (she claims he looks like a Pepsi can....but not even close). Of course, Junior Mayhem began immediately referring to him by this name (before I could think of a better one) so it stuck. Pepsi has enjoyed two months of leisure.....ruling the roust and living the life!

Unfortunately for Pepsi's peace, a little stray puppy showed up in our neighborhood. This puppy just happened to appear the day Mr. Mayhem's dad passed away....while this probably has no correlation whatsoever......it struck a chord with my husband. My husband then began a campaign of "emotional blackmail" (a neighbor across the street initially took the puppy in). Now...I ask you...how could I say no when he used the argument of the date he arrived! ("But he came the day my dad died" to quote someone I know) So....you guessed it......we now have a new puppy. Mr. Mayhem is thrilled, the kids are thrilled....and what about Pepsi? Well, to be quite frank....Pepsi is TICKED! The past 24 hours have been like a perpetual standoff......as if both simply cannot bear the idea of taking their eyes off each other. Poor Pepsi...he thinks he's so tough......he has no idea his front claws are missing! He keeps slapping at her and I think the dog has finally realized, "hey...this really doesn't hurt!"
Their war has been keeping us entertained and I think we are actually making headway.....no hissing or barking in the last 2 hours! Will they find a peaceful coexistence? GOOD GRIEF I hope so!

This puppy is extremely sweet.....but she greatly resembles a hyena. I am NOT kidding. I will post a picture of her soon! This is NO Heinz 57....it's more like a 99! Poor baby....she is actually so ugly, she is cute! I know she has Catahoula hound in her....but goodness knows what else! She seems to be quite smart.....and if she doesn't try to bite my son...she will be a VAST improvement over the adult beagle we tried to adopt in the fall. She had to be returned...and was eventually adopted by an older woman with NO kids....especially obnoxious boys like Junior Mayhem!

That's us........running our own little dysfunctional Humane Society! You know......because I didn't already have enough stress in my life!

Poor Mr. Mayhem

2008-04-08T17:47:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I delight in all that is infantile. My humor is somehow stuck around the age of 10.....and I cannot seem to mature any further! Because of my love of nonsense....Mr. Mayhem is often forced to suffer for my enjoyment. Mind you, it would never get as bad if he was not so bothered by my amusement at myself!

I thought I would share the latest two installments of "How to Torture your Unsuspecting Husband".

1. Honk the horn when he is walking in front of the car. Now, he is FAMOUS for doing this to me....and it incites me to violence......but when I thought he did not close the door by Junior Mayhem tight, I honked to get his attention. The amount of feet he jumped off the garage floor had me so hysterical.....I could not tell him I was actually honking for a good reason. The fact that I sent him a number of emails during the day alluding to this gesture did not help him to find my humor in it or forget it quickly! But.........scaring your wife on purpose to be an ass......NOT FUNNY.....scaring your husband on accident, when you really had a GOOD reason to be honking HILARIOUS!

2. Lock him out of the truck and force him to perform before you let him inside. Have you seen the America's Funniest Home Video clip where the woman constantly locks her husband out of the car and house? She forces him to dance before she will open the door. The expression on his face is absolutely PRICELESS! Well, I was struck with the genius of this idea while the kids and I were waiting for him to emerge from his mamma's place. I locked the door, cracked the window, and told him to dance. He immediately said, "I'm not dancing!" Then......proceeded to give us all a little "cabbage patch" before he was allowed into the car. I laughed until I cried over this....which you can only imagine........made him thank his LUCKY STARS that he was married to such a clever gal! ( At least I think that is what he was muttering under his breath!) It didn't help this situation that I kept exclaiming, "Dance....monkey......dance!"

Good times!

Unapologetic

2008-04-06T15:55:00.000-07:00

***********CAUTION: SOAPBOX POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!*******************

I have something that has been on my mind......something that is irritating me to no end. You may agree with me....you may not...but, seeing as this is my site.......I have decided to post it. Keep in mind that everything below is merely my opinion and not an attack on anyone....(well, other than Oprah).

Before I begin I must admit that the following is simply an "eruption" of my opinions. I am no bible scholar, nor am I terribly educated in the life and times of Oprah Winfrey. As much as I respect her right to say what she feels.....I must tell you that what I have recently heard is of great concern to me.

I am an unapologetic christian. I believe in God. I believe that Jesus gave his life for us to absolve us of our sins. I believe the only way into Heaven is through Jesus. I believe that faith, by it's definition, is the belief in something without the necessity of proof.

When I heard about the online "classes" Oprah has been hosting with Eckhart Tolle, I was shocked to hear some of her ideas on Christianity. Here are some of the ideas I have the biggest problem with:

1. Oprah expressed her belief that there are many paths to what "you may call God" John 14:6 states, "Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." There is only ONE path into Heaven.....and it is through Jesus.

2 Thessalonians1:8-9 states:"8He will punish those who do not know God and do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus. 9They will be punished with everlasting destruction and shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the majesty of his power"

The bible states in a clear manner that good works will not get one into Heaven. In fact, an old proverb states that, "The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

I believe that Jesus died for our sins, so we could have eternal life. I don't think I am a better person than someone who does not believe this. I do think that ONLY those who truly believe and have opened their heart to God will end up in Heaven.

2. "God is a feeling experience.......If it is only a belief, then it is not really God" (paraphrased) Wouldn't it be all "warm and fuzzy" if we all could "feel" God at all times? The WHOLE point of faith is believing what you don't necessarily see or feel? ( Yes...I know I keep going back to this...but it is the central focus of my belief)

3. When Oprah asks Tolle what happens after death, he answered, "I never think about it." This statement I cannot even imagine. How can anyone that lacks in faith make peace with the loss of a loved one? I simply do not understand how you could ever recover if you simply put someone into the ground. The ultimate reward for a christian is eternal salvation in Heaven. No amount of good works or money here on Earth can buy your way in.........it was earned through Jesus's sacrifice and is gained by inviting him into your heart and asking forgiveness for our many sins. I guess he DOESN'T think about it....I wouldn't want to either....if I didn't believe. The idea of death would be terrifying!

My preacher once said, " A practical atheist does not go around proclaiming that there is no God....he simply lives his life as if there is no God."

While I believe that Oprah and this author have every right to say what they feel......I have the same right to voice my displeasure and to choose not to support someone whose views are so completely opposite of my own. Not that I was ever a huge fan of Oprah.....I did (and do) respect the charitable projects she does. I can assure you that this unapologetic christian will not be watching her show.

This post is not meant to spark a religious debate....merely to express my disdain with the opinions of Oprah and her "flavor of the month" author. You can agree with me or think I am completely crazy.....but either way....these are my beliefs.

Selective Ignorance

2008-04-03T15:53:00.000-07:00

There are many "selective" diseases suffered by the people who reside in the Mayhem.

Both my husband and my children suffer from selective deafness. This horrific disease strikes the victim completely unable to hear.....especially when the words delivered are unwelcome, or less than glowing. Mr. Mayhem, like many husbands, is most prone to the disease when I am asking him to do something for me, speaking about my feelings, or ESPECIALLY when I am fussing. It does not matter what decibel level I rise my voice to.....he simply can't be bothered to listen. Junior Mayhem suffers from this disease simply because the sheer denseness of his hard head does not allow for ear canals.....AT. ALL! The Princess is struck when she is preoccupied with something better when I am talking to her. Of course...as she inches ever so much closer to "tweendom" I fear the symptoms will only worsen. Mind you.....I am the true victim of the dreaded disease......as my reactions can span the gambit of mildly annoyed to truly violent...depending on the situation.

Let's not forget selective blindness. This renders the victim unable to see their hands in front in of their faces. I liken the symptoms to not being able to tell your "*ss from your elbow". Victims are oblivious to any item of clothing, toys, or shoes that can be found on the floor. Husbands can also fall victim when they are unable to SEE that their wives are CLEARLY upset with them. Ladies.....how many of you have said, "I shouldn't HAVE to TELL you I am upset.....you should know me well enough to see that for yourself!" ( But we all know they DON'T........I think they also suffer from selective brain malfunction....but I digress) Again I suffer the most from this.......poor, poor me.........the only one in the ENTIRE Mayhem that can actually see the sock left in the living room!

Thus far I thought I had escaped the grasp of these dreaded diseases. I mean....really....somebody's got to be able to take care of business! But, as I picked JM up from preschool today, I realized that....I too...suffer from a selective affliction. My struggles with JM and his behavior (or lack thereof) are well documented here. We have signed many a behavior note, met with many a teacher and director, and had to take matters into our own hands when the school would not dole out the discipline my hard headed son so desperately needs not to act like a felon. I realize now that I have adopted my own disease......selective ignorance. If I am not signing a behavior report, I don't want to hear about his misdeeds. Today JM raced over to me when I walked into his room. He immediately announced, "Momma I was VERY good today!" Beaming with pride and secretly thanking the good Lord there was no note waiting for me, I noticed the faces of the two girls who were in charge of the room. A glance passed between the two.......a glance I know ONLY too well........a glance I have given to my fellow teachers in a conference with a crazy parent (though I am much more discreet....AMATEURS!). The glance that says, "Yeah.....RIGHT...you were very good today......and I'm the Queen of England!"

Now.....most good mothers would have inquired as to the reasoning behind the look....BUT NOT I! I, Queen of the Mayhem, suffer from selective ignorance and live in a land of fairy tales and cotton candy clouds. If they didn't fill out a form, or feel compelled to share.....who am I to question my exuberant 4 year old? So I snagged my son, before they could change their minds and voice the reasoning behind the look, and walked out triumphant. Ignorant to the truth.....but TRIUMPHANT nonetheless!

Finally Over

2008-03-30T16:15:00.000-07:00

After three of the LONGEST weeks of my life, the memorial service for my FIL is finally through. My MIL has been packed up, moved down, and unpacked in her new home.......her financial affairs are now in order.....and she is resting comfortably in her new digs.

The service went quite well. My husband and his family were pleasantly surprised at the number of people who showed up to pay their last respects, and our preacher is just an amazing man who was able to so eloquently sum up his life...and tie it, seamlessly, into the Word. Speaking of eloquent, my sweet husband stood up to give the eulogy for his dad....and I have to tell you...it was so touching! He shared memories of travelling with him in his youth and the values his father instilled at an early age. He also shared a tailgating story from his college days. MM brought his dad to the tailgate...and....needless to say...a good time was had by all. So much so that turned around to see his dad wearing a Budweiser tablecloth like a cape and being "flown" around the grounds. That was the day, "The Budman" was born. MM referred to him as nothing else for the duration of the his life. While I found the entire speech to be heartwarming, I was most moved by his emotional thank you to me for helping him through this time and planning the service. It was nice to see how much he appreciated it.....especially since I have been running myself crazy for these last few weeks. There is just something amazing about seeing someone you love publicly declare their appreciation and love for you! (Does anyone else hear "You're so Vain" playing in the background?)

Another beautiful thing was seeing how blessed we were with loving and considerate friends. I had one friend who stayed at my house during the service to set out food for the gathering after, while many more tended to the food during the party, and yet another who kept Junior Mayhem AND an out of town guest's children during the service so we could have one less thing to worry about! I was moved beyond words at the thoughtful and generous gestures of so many of our friends.

Of course.....I manage to shame myself in front of the preacher, albeit only slightly, as I "paraphrased" (his kind words.....otherwise known as SCREWED UP) a bible verse that I wanted to use at the end of my power point . It went something like, "Good job my faithful servant, now enter into the rest of your Lord". I knew something was up when I couldn't find the verse on the Internet.....AND who has time to skim the Bible? I am sensing that I might should feel embarrassed by my ignorance of verses.....but there are just too many other things about which I can worry!

Oh....and my LOVELY ( by lovely I mean selfish B) SIL was 5 minutes late to her OWN FATHER'S funeral!

Overall, it was a fitting sendoff for a lovely man who has moved on to a MUCH better place.

Maybe now I can get my life back..........HEY! It could happen! :)

The Queen Goes Political

2008-03-27T14:51:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you will all find this difficult to believe, but Punditmom actually asked me to contribute to her "Mothers of Intention" series on her site.

Check out my post, "Color Me Underwhelmed"

Don't worry, I'll be back to the nonsense soon!

This is Why I Drink

2008-03-18T18:35:00.000-07:00

There have been numerous studies done on children and how their sex impacts various aspects of their life. Most have found that the male species is the less verbal of the two. Of course.....my four year old was NOWHERE around when these studies were done.......seeing as the sheer number of minutes he spends talking a day is OFF the charts! Understand that I am not exaggerating when I say the boy never shuts up........and by never..........I mean NE... VER!! I fully realize that I will be missing these days when he is a morose teenager who refuses to utter even the fewest of words to me.......but right now....Mommy needs a little quiet time!

This weekend we made the trek to the large town we live near to purchase new patio furniture....with traffic, this trip can be as long as 45 minutes...one way. Junior Mayhem talked the ENTIRE way there and back TWICE! (oh yes....we went twice...that's a story for another post) my emotions spanned from, "My baby is the smartest, cutest, funniest child in the world" to "If he does not shut the ____________ up I am going to drive into oncoming traffic!" Working his way up to becoming a typical man...he also does not respond to subtle hints of disinterest ( ie...turning the radio up, being ignored......BEING TOLD TO JUST WATCH THE PASSING CARS....you get the idea)

After a small discussion with him this evening I thought I might share a glimpse into the life of the mind of a "wide-open" preschooler:

JM: (Coming into the living room carrying his rubber boots, filled to the brim with goodness knows what from his room) "Momma these are my boots.....I love these boots!"

Q: "I love those boots too!" ( Note the enthusiasm.....I am a mother with the patience of Jobe....engaging my child....giving him the attention he deserves!)

JM: "There is lots of stuff in my boots....my boots can hold LOTS of stuff!" (he is the MASTER of the obvious)

Q:"I see all that stuff.....I can't believe you fit it all in there.....good job!" (Really....is somebody taping this because my son and I are bonding on a level that would make even the most discerning critic impressed!)

JM: " It's like a box....I'm carrying all these big heavy boxes"

Q: "You're very strong...like a superhero!" (Oh yeah....that's me...shining up the trophy for Mother of the Year)

JM: "I'm strongin' up and now I'm making you small....and Daddy's small........and TP's small...and the cat is small....and you are small...and everyone is small"

Q: "Uh-huh" (okay....let's wrap this up.....American Idol is coming on.....really strongin' up? What does that mean?)

JM: "You are all very small....and that box has garbage.....garbage is yucky...did you know garbage is yucky?"

Q:"Yucky....got it" (Really.......that rocker chick on AI.....so OVER her......WHY does it always go back to garbage with this child? )

JM: "You are very small and don't you DARE touch that yucky garbage.....MOMMA?!"

Q:"Yes....baby I heard you......I got it!" ( Calgon? Is there any reason why my son insists on shooting, shrinking, or maiming me...all the while yelling AND playing with garbage?! Maybe he needs therapy.....I am going to need therapy if he doesn't go play!)

JM: "I should go throw that yucky garbage away.........but I can't throw away my boots....I love my boots and I would be very sad if they were gone!"

Q: (Maybe if I am really quiet and don't make eye contact......he will go away......maybe if I save my pennies...I can run away!)

JM: "Momma! Did you hear me? I am not going to throw away my boots! That is silly.....we don't throw away boots!"

Q: "MMM-HMM" ( For the love of PETE....this child has a room full of engaging, educational, and exciting toys.....WHY must he be in my face spouting this nonsense! I should be relishing this moment....but I am not....maybe something is wrong with me.....NOPE...he's just annoying!)

JM: "I am not......"

Q:"Baby....why don't you go show Daddy the garbage in your boots? Daddies LOVE garbage!" (Yeah.....Daddy! You like that? Now it's YOUR problem! That's for suckering me into having another child......."Our first one is so sweet.....she needs a sibling.....blah, blah, blah...." Now you must suffer for your sins!!!!! )

The "preschool passoff".........Mr. Mayhem and I are certified professionals on the move. It is a complicated dance that requires both precision and fortitude.

Now it is crystal clear the exact need for appletinis in my life.......it's for the greater good.....it's for the safety of my family......it is for the maintaining of my sanity!

Status Quo

2008-03-16T18:49:00.000-07:00

THINGS ARE STILL CRAZY AROUND HERE.........PLEASE DON'T ABANDON ME.....I WILL BE BACK TO VISIT YOUR SITES VERY SOON! YOU KNOW I NEED AFFIRMATION! :)

I think it is very clear........if you are a regular reader.......that 2008 has been less than kind to the Queen. Actually, to say that is......quite possibly........the understatement of the CENTURY! And.....here's the deal......it doesn't seem to be getting much better! Shall we recap the past week at the Mayhem? I thought you'd never ask!

1. Father-in-law passes away.

2. We don't tell The Princess until Friday, due to VERY important standardized testing.....and her extreme sensitivity and tenderhearted nature. This leads to me feeling paranoid (that someone else would drop the bombshell) AND guilty for the ENTIRE week!

3. I get a root canal on Wednesday. It hurt in 2 places.........my mouth AND my bank account!

4. I get the f*%$#*& stomach flu AGAIN! (Either that....or a terrible reaction to pain meds....the day after my root canal....either way.....NOT FUN!)

5. We break the news to The Princess.....only to break her heart.....and see her break down throughout the weekend. (Nothing hurts like seeing your child hurt)

6. OH....and just in case I am not stressed enough.....my bitch sister-in-law (whom I simply could not believe did not disappear into a flash of fire when she stepped foot into the church) felt compelled to correct my preacher's (the one who is performing my FIL's memorial service on a day when he is not scheduled to work) pronunciation of the hometown where Mr. Mayhem's father was born and raised. MIND YOU....this town's name is the same one I gave my son...to honor my FIL.....and the same one that this same hussy tried numerous times to correct my pronunciation until I told her to SUCK IT(Okay.....I didn't actually SAY suck it...but I was thinking it!)....that I would call my son what I chose to call him! Goodness gracious I don't really care for this woman! UGH!

I sincerely hope the latter half of this year is more kind to the Mayhem.......because the craptastic status quo is getting old.........REALLY, REALLY old!

The End of an Era

2008-03-09T18:14:00.000-07:00

It is a sad time, here at the Mayhem. My husband's sweet father lost his 6 year battle with cancer this afternoon. We were summoned to where he lived when he took a turn for the worst after a surgery a week before. ( The same one that put a damper on our getaway weekend.)

I remember, like it was yesterday, the day Mr. Mayhem told me his father had cancer. He called me while I was shopping for clothes for The Princess. In fact....I was in a dressing room with her. I remember sitting on the floor of that room, staring into space, as the words "My father has cancer," rang in my ears.

Since then, MM's dad has gone through numerous surgeries and rounds of both chemo and radiation to battle the deadly disease. He took it all in stride and never complained. We knew something was terribly wrong when he admitted to MM that he was really hurting the night before his surgery. Sure enough, when the surgeon opened him up he found a large cancerous mass that was blocking his bowels, as well as cancer spread about his entire abdomen. Many complications arose and he was simply exhausted after a long and painful battle with the sickness.

My preacher once said (and I have since attempted to adopt it as my mantra) "Ask for the strength to accept God's will.....not the power to change it." That is what MM and I are trying to do at this moment. The selfish side of us is terribly distraught at the thought of not seeing him again......but a part of us is relieved that he is no longer suffering and has moved on to a better place. In fact.....I truly believe I witnessed him "meeting" his angel this morning.

Our weekend was a heart-wrenching roller coaster ride that went from shock and dismay, then to slight hope, and finally to the beginnings of acceptance. For the majority of the weekend he had been terribly agitated and prone to certain hallucinations that seemed to upset him. This morning he was exceptionally so....save for the one time he flashed a HUGE, signature smile of his.....extended his hand, shook it up and down, and announced, "MM sr.....very nice to meet you!" I believe, with all my being, that he was greeting the angel that had come to take him home. The look of peace that flashed across his face was one that had been missing for many of these difficult years.

My heart absolutely broke each time I saw my sweet husband stare painfully at the shell of what was left of his father, and lovingly stroke his head while trying to calm his agitated movements. I am sad for him....I am sad for his mother......I am sad for my kids (they ADORED their Poppa).......I am sad that we are now entering the age where these types of experiences will become more of the rule and less of the exception.

If I have learned anything from this....it's not to waste precious time. Tell your family that you love them.......make the most of each and every moment you are blessed with......because you never know when the Good Lord will call you, or someone you love, home.

Heard Around the Mayhem

2008-03-05T14:24:00.000-08:00

First of all.....let me thank all you wonderful people for your kind comments and emails. I am doing much better now....AND Mr. Mayhem and I are, in fact, still married.....though it was iffy for a while! I suppose I can't exactly end my marriage over a less than ideal getaway...but I am PRETTY CERTAIN we are clear on the couple vacation thing! (We'll see if that lasts)

I thought I would break ranks with all the whining of late and share some of the nonsense recently overheard here at the Mayhem.

1. The Princess was regaling me with a part of a book she was reading. She loves to read and loves sharing EACH and EVERY detail with me (yeah....cute at first.....but soon drives me to contemplate jumping out the window....but I digress) She was reading Clementine. In the book this precocious girl talks about what she wants to do when she grows up. Apparently she doesn't want to get married, but she does want to smoke cigars. In fact TP read a quote that went something like, "Marriage....no....cigars....yes!" Appalled, TP threw down the book and exclaimed, "Well it's a good thing she DOESN'T want to get married because NO man will want her if she smokes cigars!" SMART GIRL!

2. My kids are at an age where they fuss CONSTANTLY. I have to stay on Junior Mayhem about hitting his sister and on The Princess for constantly egging him on until he snaps, hits her, and gets in trouble. ( Are you sensing an evil plot here?) I can often be heard telling her, "Quit antagonizing your brother!" JM must have been listening because the other day at dinner he told her, "TP stop tagonizing me!"

3. In a public restroom ( plenty loud enough for EVERYONE to hear) JM decides to poll me about my activities at the moment. "Mama are you poo-pooing? (I wasn't.....just in case you were wondering) Make sure you wipe your booty if you're poo-pooing, because if you don't you will get skid marks in your underwear and that is bisgusting!" ( Did I mention I could hear loud giggling from all the surrounding stalls?)

4. Upon interrogation about the SECOND writeup for JM in less than a week at school, he explained, "I just got a little mean at school today (mean being kicking the wall....OH...and at his teacher) BUT I said I was sorry!" Picture little fat arms thrown up in a "how can you possibly be upset at me because I said I was sorry" pose. Lucky me.....only three more until he gets suspended for 2 days! Where's that orange jumpsuit when I need it?

5. Oh....and let's not forget when I was sure that JM told me that "Batman just killed God!" Luckily, as I was putting the preacher on speed dial and ordering a gallon of holy water off the Internet, I realized he was saying, "Batman just killed this guy!" Still a felony in all 50 states....but not quite the blasphemy of the earlier statement!

Never a dull moment around here! Heard anything interesting lately!

What a WASTE!

2008-03-02T12:16:00.000-08:00

********WARNING: WHINE/RANT AHEAD************
If you are as sick and tired of reading my whining posts of late as I am of having the sh*t happen that causes me to whine.....you may want to move on to a better place..............YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

I am currently in the market for a remote. Not just any remote, but one that can magically change the time-space continuum so that I can fast forward through the suckfest that has been 2008, thus far. My craptastic luck has been well documented here lately, and I am sure you are as sick of reading it......as I am of going through it! WELL.....sorry for you......as the little black rain cloud just won't seem to go away here at the Mayhem!

Long before I knew I would have to sell a kidney on the black market to pay for my sizable dental bills, Mr. Mayhem and I planned a weekend getaway. The kids were headed to my parents' house and we were going to stay at a casino that came highly recommended from numerous sources. Neither MM or myself are much for gambling, but the idea of getting away was VERY attractive. Except for the fact of MM's annoying friends who planned to meet us on Saturday. Here's a rundown of this couple:

Husband: MM's oldest and dearest friend......you know the kind you party with when you are single, young, and unencumbered with responsibility...........he's a nice guy, but when he and MM get together they act like they did when they were in college! OH...and let's not forget that he calls MM NO LESS than 5 times a day!

Wife: Self centered, arrogant, snooty, weird, did I mentioned self absorbed? You get the picture. She is THE most difficult person I have ever had the displeasure of spending ENTIRELY too much time with. Just the thought of having to deal with her, sends me into a full blown panic attack.....not to mention a mother of ALL bad moods!!!!

SO.....you can only imagine how elated I was to know that I would get the privilege of spending the afternoon with her while the guys went and played golf. ( I have actually posted about this couple before.....but I am too lazy to look up the title and link)

Here's a few lovely things that occurred before we even got "going" on our trip:

1. MM embarrassed me in the ONE AND ONLY STORE in my one horse town by loudly declaring that we were going to "funnel" the beer we were purchasing and had the equipment in our car. ( My regular readers KNOW how many former students, parents, and coworkers I see at this store)

2. We got stuck at a standstill on the interstate for over 20 minutes.

3. The first restaurant we stopped at had 2 servers FOR THE ENTIRE PLACE! (we left)

4. We got stuck in construction traffic in one of the EVEN SMALLER podunk towns we were forced to travel through to get to our destination.

(OH....and we weren't even there yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Of course.......the best part was......we found out MM's dad was going to have surgery on Friday morning to explore the cause of some intestinal blockage he had. He is currently fighting cancer and we were not pleased to hear this latest development. I offered numerous times for us to head to the hospital and skip the trip.....but to no avail. We spent a great deal of time on the phone on Friday trying to get information and handle problems from our vacation. ( OOOOOH......that's fun!) Not to mention that we were both SUPER on edge, half feeling guilty for not going (even though we were told on TUESDAY) and half worried sick about the outcome. (It was not good....but I don't have the heart to talk about that now) It was a weight off our shoulders when we heard he survived the surgery......but the struggles they had getting his pain meds straight took their toll on him and US!

The place was nice enough.....but I was immediately overwhelmed with the fact that it did not seem to be NEARLY as nice as I had expected, considering the amount we were paying to stay there. Well.....if you are not highly neurotic, you will not appreciate what went down after this...........BUT....I couldn't get over it.........COULD NOT GET OVER IT! The room was the best part of the stay. It was very nice. However, the restaurants were overpriced.......and this came with so-so food and lousy service. The casino was small.......and the absolute DREGS of humanity were there. The clientele spanned the gambit from little old ladies pulling oxygen tanks, spending every dime of their retirement on the slots to the scariest, most filthy, adults you could possible imagine.

Friday night was (supposedly) our night alone together. MM's friends were not coming until the next afternoon. That sounds really romantic until you recognize that his friend called and texted him for the ENTIRE night. He might as well have been with us for the amount of time MM spent talking to him. Call me crazy....but I thought this weekend was about us.....silly me! We ate at an overpriced restaurant with pitiful food and worse service and then headed into the casino. As I said before, I am not a huge fan of gambling. I just can't bear the thought of throwing my money away. So....when we sat at the Roulette table, the ONLY table we could find with a five dollar minimum and lost $40 in less than 10 minutes.....I WAS DONE! I know $40 is not that much money.....but less than 10 minutes? NOPE.....not for me!

Saturday started a little better. Believe it or not, we actually won back all the money we had lost playing the $.25 slots. Being the worst nightmare for the casinos that I am........I quit when we broke even. The couple was arriving between 1 and 2. MM and his friend were going to play golf and the wife and I had spa appointments. I got the pleasure of paying over $200 for sub par treatments while MM and his bud drank their way through 18 holes. Are you sensing a pattern here? Am I crazy for not being able to enjoy something so decadent because it did not meet my expectations? (Yeah...that's a rhetorical question) We ate at an even more expensive sub par restaurant that night and when I wanted to go back to the room to take some Aleve for a headache (read....escape before I said something I ought not).....they followed me. YEP...couldn't even BUY myself 10 minutes to regroup before they were hanging out in my room.

All the stress did not bode well for MM and myself. We are currently not speaking. Oh...and when I was speaking to him I told him that if he ever asked me to go away with this couple again.....I would divorce him. AND I mean it!

I know I should be grateful that we are able to get away........but right now.....I'm not. Maybe once the initial pouting is done (spurred on by the nauseous feeling I got when I wrote in all the expenses to my checkbook) I will be better able to appreciate my blessings. We'll see.

So......anybody have a lead on that remote for me?

She's a Yuck Mouth!

2008-02-26T15:03:00.001-08:00

Since this blog has been on a downswing of late, I decided to continue this lovely trend by sharing my latest debacle with you. Remember how I always talk about my neurotic, borderline OCD tendencies? Well....with these tendencies comes an overwhelming fear of most doctors.........ESPECIALLY the dentist. Oh...how do I loathe the dentist? Let me count the ways! It is because of this irrational fear, along with general laziness that I have not gone to the dreaded dentist in over 2 years. (I know....EWWWWW!) Don't get me wrong......I have excellent oral hygiene.......(or at least I thought I did).....I am just lax on the whole doctor aspect!

I have ONE filling in my mouth.....and part of that one filling decided to fall out. SO...I was forced to put my pride and irrational fears aside and head to the dentist's office. Let's just say after she examined my mouth......I got the news of what I needed to fix....and I am sad to say my children will no longer be able to attend college due to my ENORMOUS dental bills! I need TWO (count them.....TWO) root canals and two crowns! The only bright light in this whole tragedy is I am finally going to get veneers for my front two teeth. She told me they have some sort of acidic damage......she said she sees it mostly in patients that are bulimic. (Yeah.....we both got a GOOD laugh at that one!!!!!!!) Wouldn't you just have to know that I would have some freak condition with my TEETH too! So....many months, thousands of dollars, inconveniences, and most definitely PAIN later I will have lovely teeth again!

In order to offset my mounting dental bills I have decided to auction off Junior Mayhem. Let's start the bidding at.......I don't know........$4300?!

Queen of the Mayhem

That Old, Familiar Feeling

Ahead of his Time

The One Where I Need Some Cheese

The Argument

From the Frazzled Mom Files

The Lurid Affair

Things I Learned While Packing for Vacation

An Attitude of Gratitude

Six Years of Mayhem.....Junior, That Is!

Open Letter to Wii Fit

Mayhem Tidbits

A Recipe for Disaster

Simply CRAPTASTIC!

Taking a Bite Out of the Big Apple

NYC or Bust!

For the Love of Foliage

Easter Top Three

We Now Return to Our Regularly Scheduled Whine Fest!

Helpful Hints from Junior Mayhem

Overheard Tidbits

Murphy's Law

Okay....so Maybe I Obsess........

Calling In Sick

The Mayhem Kids.....A Dichotomy of Behavior....AKA What Happened to the BOY?

Currently Seeking Therapy

Mayhem Christmas 2008

One Holy Terror

I Wouldn't Have Believed it...if I Hadn't Seen It!!!!!

Random Notes from a Frazzled Woman

12 Years of LOVE

Losing Faith

Tales from the Ipod

Where does he come up with this stuff?

Tired

For Terri and Joe

Halloween Cuteness!

More Burning Questions

Overheard

Sex Talk Surivivor

Race Relations 101

Sexual Harassment.....Elementary Edition

Countdown to ME Time!

A Bad Sign

Again with the Mother of the Year?!

Sleepover Pics

Sleepover Survivor

I am Not Prepared!

Attack of the SuperHeroes

I'm a Slacker

Back To Normal?

Injury....Meet Your New Friend Insult!

The Many Shades of Junior Mayhem

Still Here!

(PLEASE DON'T) Rock Me Like a Hurricane

Seriously........Who Does This?

Hanging In There.......Sort Of!

The Entrenpreneurial Spirit

Alive and Well!

Albert Einstein he is NOT!

And.....so it Begins

Back to the Grind

BURG ROCKS!

The Queen is a Needy Woman

Overheard

A Timely Reality

The Spirit of St. Louis

One Last Hurrah

Because I Haven't Been Shamed Enough

That Old, Familiar Feeling

When Pride Isn't (Necessarily) Followed by Joy

Life Lessons Learned on Vacation

Come Visit Me

Just What the Doctor Ordered

Sun, Sand, and Silliness

15 Years in a Nutshell

Behold the Dream Smasher!

Hands Down.....the Funniest Video I Have Seen in Years!

The Joys of Family Vacations.....and Other Urban Legends

Love Letter